How to find a guy who's ok with an Aromantic girl

EmmaRebecca1997

I'm Aromantic. For anyone unaware of what that means, it basically means I don't experience romantic attraction and I am romance repulsed. I experience sexual attraction, and aesthetic attraction, but I never think 'oh that guy is so hot I want to go on dates with him and be romantic with him.' My idea of a relationship is fundamentally being best friends with someone and having a sexual relationship. I do not like romance and find it very difficult to respond to/ or reciprocate romance.

In the past my relationships have failed because my response to romance can often be seen as ungrateful and unappreciative. It's not that I'm not appreciative of romantic gestures because I see the thought behind them and how it means the person really loves me, I just get very uncomfortable with it and find it very hard to respond to it, and end up looking like I don't care.

It's not that I want just a 'friends with benefits' relationship either. I just want a normal relationship but without the awkward dates and over the top romantic gestures and don't want to be expected to be into that kinda thing. I find it's really hard to get guys to understand that because it's the common assumption that all girls love flowers and romantic gestures and fancy dates, but I really don't. I just want a relationship where someone cares deeply about me, and loves me, and wants to be with me sexually, but who doesn't feel the need to go over the top romantically, and doesn't expect me to, and who just shows their love for me in other ways that probably to most would be more subtle.

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Reply 1

Anonymous #1

I'm sure that there are aromantic guys out there too?...

Reply 2

username3525234

Original post by EmmaRebecca1997

My idea of a relationship is fundamentally being best friends with someone and having a sexual relationship.

Hello miss. :love:

Reply 3

JDieMstr

Ah....I see we're in the same boat. I think the chances of you finding these guys would be....very, very slim. This is from my experience. So far, I think I met only one in my life (except me) and he is all about "enjoying life" instead of finding his S.O as a major life goal.

Reply 4

HeadHoncho

I read the title as ‘aromatic’ and I was like how can you be in a relationship with a cyclic molecule

Reply 5

EmmaRebecca1997

Original post by HeadHoncho

I read the title as ‘aromatic’ and I was like how can you be in a relationship with a cyclic molecule

Tbh a relationship with a cyclic molecule would probably be more successful when it comes to me

Reply 6

eden3

Original post by EmmaRebecca1997

My idea of a relationship is fundamentally being best friends with someone and having a sexual relationship.

....isn't that a normal relationship?? :confused:

Most guys your age shouldn't be acting 'romantic' anyway

Reply 7

math42

To be honest I'd rather not feel obliged to give any romantic gestures and I don't have any interest in receiving them, though I guess that's normal for guys. But that's probably just because I'm lazy.

Reply 8

artful_lounger

Universities Forum Helper

Finding a guy to have sex with is probably...not difficult. Finding one who would want to go into a longterm monogomous by aromantic relationship, probably more so. But if monogamy/"exclusivity" is not an issue for you (at least, from his side, if not necessarily yours) then yea you'll probably find lots.

They'll most likely be ****bois but, eh?

Reply 9

Yaboi

Came in thinking this was about someone being sexually attracted to scent

but yh i dont think itll be that hard to find

Reply 10

Jack22031994

Volunteer Team

Original post by EmmaRebecca1997

You want a sexual relationship with a guy without any of the romance date stuff?

I dont think youll be too hard pressed tbh.

Reply 11

Ed5

Original post by HeadHoncho

I read the title as ‘aromatic’ and I was like how can you be in a relationship with a cyclic molecule

Tbf since the bonds are delocalised it would be a pretty stable relationship 😏

Reply 12

mariachi

Original post by EmmaRebecca1997

I'm Aromantic. .

that's very sad.

How about becoming Aromanian instead ? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aromanians

best

Reply 13

fallen_acorns

your not armomantic or any other nonsense.

Your a perfectly normal person who doesnt like the modern idea of romantic dating..

There are many other people out there who are the same, but they dont need to attach a stupid label to it.

You cant be armomant, simply because romance is not a thing! What is and is not romantic are not defined and change based on culture, time period, and individual preferences.

What you are is uposed to the specific denifiniton of romance as set by your current culture/society.

---

What you say you want - a best friend but with sexual stuff.. great, youve just described the vast majority of succesful long-term married couples. Bassically your best friend, but fullfills sexual desires.

All you need to do is to stop trying to find a label (as tempting as it is for young people, I know, I did it too) and instead just simply find a guy who shares your attitude. There are many, I know litterally 10s of them, who do not like the same things that you do not like.. they would love a girl who can get rid of all that romantic crap, and just get on with it.

So stop the pity labeling, realise that your normal, and get on with finding a guy who shares your atttitudes.

Reply 14

crocodile_ears

My first instinct was to tell you to 'find an aromantic guy', but that's easier said that done, and obvious enough that you'd have considered it :biggrin:

I don't consider myself aro, but I get where you're coming from with all the romance stuff. Flowers and romantic gestures don't exactly make me uncomfortable, but I don't value them as much as I do, say, making a real effort to understand me, communicate with me, and to practise safe sex and stuff.

It's important that you make your wants and needs clear before you start a relationship, and it's also important that the person you're with doesn't just understand them, but also feels good about them. People can say that they're fine without the romance stuff, but they actually might not be. Make sure you're on the same page. Communicate!

I guess the best way to actually meet someone who wants the same things as you is to be social as much as possible (meaning as much as you feel good about). Make an effort to meet new people and maybe try to introduce the way you feel about romance into conversation. 'Get yourself out there' sounds so cliche, but it does ring true.

Reply 15

EmmaRebecca1997

Original post by artful_lounger

That's kinda the issue though because I could easily find some random dude who's dtf but that's not really what I want I want something long term that is like an average monogamous relationship but without the OTT romance. And that's kind of where it falls apart bc guys seem to assume if you dont want romance you don't want a relationship and it's basically just a one night thing

Reply 16

EmmaRebecca1997

Original post by Jack22031994

You want a sexual relationship with a guy without any of the romance date stuff?

I dont think youll be too hard pressed tbh.

You'd be surprised. It's finding a guy who's up for a non romantic relationship that isn't just a friends with benefits thing or a one night thing. Unless the romance is there a lot assume it's not monogamous and assume it's just a casual thing instead of an actual relationship

(edited 6 years ago)

Reply 17

EmmaRebecca1997

Original post by fallen_acorns

I'm not 'pitty labelling' I give it a label because it's the only way I can feel normal not feeling the way most other people my age do. Giving it a label helps me, as I know it does others. Acknowledge it for what it is and feel comfortable with how I feel and find others who relate and feel the same. If I want to give it a label I will do so. If giving it a label helps me feel better about feeling different I will continue to use the label

Reply 18

Jack22031994

Volunteer Team

Original post by EmmaRebecca1997

`i guess in the long run you are probably right

Reply 19

artful_lounger

Universities Forum Helper

Original post by EmmaRebecca1997

Frankly most aren't that romantic in long term relationships, and tend to settle into a fairly bland steady state from a romantic point of view. However you're probably going to need to come to terms with the fact you will find it hard to find a guy who wants to eschew any form of romance and remain in a committed monogamous but purely sexual relationship - particularly due to the unfortunate corollary of modern toxic masculinity that straight men derive virtually all of their emotional...stuff, from their partner in heterosexual relationships.