When a girl says "i'm not sure what i want"
Hey!
So long story long, i've started dating this girl. She's 22, quite shy (socially and with boys), never had a boyfriend, in fact, the first date she's ever been was with me. We started dating 1-1,5 month ago, but we know each other for a year, we are in a university group kinda thing together.
The first date went great, spent the whole afternoon together and went home after midnight, you could just see her positive body language. The second date was a little bit flat and i was worried, so i grabbed her hand when i walked her home. When we said goodbye, you could just feel the awkwardness on her face, i think it was way too fast for her, but she didn't pull away or anythin during holding hands. I messaged her saying that it might have been too fast for her and she said yes it was and said that she can be awkward and doesn't know how to handle situations like this.
After this, we went out again for our 3rd date and i brought up our messaging. She said that she was glad that i asked her out but i made too big gestures with the hand-holding and i also wrote her a letter when i was abroad (not a big deal, it was the same as we were talking) and she's not sure what she wants and she lets me know when she made a decision, but doesn't want to stop seeing me, but she wants more simpler dates, not like the first one which was too long. She also expressed that she never went on a date and stuff like this, explaining that she don't know how to handle this and also the fact that we're in a group together and how it will be within the group if this doesn't end well.
I know this is a textbook red flag, but the fact that she said she still wants to try gave me a little hope. Also, this girl is genuinely inexperienced, so not somebody who would drag you along like a lot of girls.
How would you handle this situation? I feel like i should give her some time, but how long is too long? Also as i mentioned we're in a group together, so we see each other once a week, where there's hardly any talking between us. I think it's a little bit weird for her that we're in this group together while seeing each other, but even i can't handle this, like talking to her within this group like nothing happened, so she might feel like "i'm not cool enough" if i can't make small talk and joke around. But when we're together, i can.
Since she's very unsure about everything, i feel like it matters very much how i behave and show that i'm in charge and sure of myself, but somehow also giving her some space and not rush things. Not sure how to do this though.
I feel like i'm on a razor's edge here and the whole thing succeeds or fails on a very small thing.
So long story long, i've started dating this girl. She's 22, quite shy (socially and with boys), never had a boyfriend, in fact, the first date she's ever been was with me. We started dating 1-1,5 month ago, but we know each other for a year, we are in a university group kinda thing together.
The first date went great, spent the whole afternoon together and went home after midnight, you could just see her positive body language. The second date was a little bit flat and i was worried, so i grabbed her hand when i walked her home. When we said goodbye, you could just feel the awkwardness on her face, i think it was way too fast for her, but she didn't pull away or anythin during holding hands. I messaged her saying that it might have been too fast for her and she said yes it was and said that she can be awkward and doesn't know how to handle situations like this.
After this, we went out again for our 3rd date and i brought up our messaging. She said that she was glad that i asked her out but i made too big gestures with the hand-holding and i also wrote her a letter when i was abroad (not a big deal, it was the same as we were talking) and she's not sure what she wants and she lets me know when she made a decision, but doesn't want to stop seeing me, but she wants more simpler dates, not like the first one which was too long. She also expressed that she never went on a date and stuff like this, explaining that she don't know how to handle this and also the fact that we're in a group together and how it will be within the group if this doesn't end well.
I know this is a textbook red flag, but the fact that she said she still wants to try gave me a little hope. Also, this girl is genuinely inexperienced, so not somebody who would drag you along like a lot of girls.
How would you handle this situation? I feel like i should give her some time, but how long is too long? Also as i mentioned we're in a group together, so we see each other once a week, where there's hardly any talking between us. I think it's a little bit weird for her that we're in this group together while seeing each other, but even i can't handle this, like talking to her within this group like nothing happened, so she might feel like "i'm not cool enough" if i can't make small talk and joke around. But when we're together, i can.
Since she's very unsure about everything, i feel like it matters very much how i behave and show that i'm in charge and sure of myself, but somehow also giving her some space and not rush things. Not sure how to do this though.
I feel like i'm on a razor's edge here and the whole thing succeeds or fails on a very small thing.
(edited 6 years ago)
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It means theres no future with her lol. She doesn't love you. That relationship is doomed.
If you want to save yourself 6 months of depression you should take a big step back and essentially break it off. And leave the ball in her caught while you get on with life. Then if she wants to stop being flaky she can contact you in the future. It will save you falling in love and getting rekt.
If you want to save yourself 6 months of depression you should take a big step back and essentially break it off. And leave the ball in her caught while you get on with life. Then if she wants to stop being flaky she can contact you in the future. It will save you falling in love and getting rekt.
(edited 6 years ago)
Original post by ChickenMadness
It means theres no future with her lol. She doesn't love you. That relationship is doomed.
If you want to save yourself 6 months of depression you should take a big step back and essentially break it off. And leave the ball in her caught while you get on with life. Then if she wants to stop being flaky she can contact you in the future. It will save you falling in love and getting rekt.
If you want to save yourself 6 months of depression you should take a big step back and essentially break it off. And leave the ball in her caught while you get on with life. Then if she wants to stop being flaky she can contact you in the future. It will save you falling in love and getting rekt.
I know that the alpha behaviour would be to break off contact, but since we're together in this group, we see each other once a week either way, so acting passively would just do more harm as she expressed that she wants to talk at these gatherings much more freely, like we do in dates and things not to be awkward. I also thought about giving her some time, but doesn't really work because of this.
I feel like it would be better to continue going on dates and try to be a little more casual, i feel like
there's physical attraction and it's not me that's the problem, as a guy, more like the situation for her and being the first that went on a date with.
(edited 6 years ago)
Original post by Timothy01
I know that the alpha behaviour would be to break off contact, but since we're together in this group, we see each other once a week either way, so acting passively would just do more harm as she expressed that she wants to talk at these gatherings much more freely, like we do in dates and things not to be awkward. I also thought about giving her some time, but doesn't really work because of this.
I don't mean break off contact. Just end the 'relationship' and act normal again lol. And let her make the next move. In the mean time you can forget about it.
You don't have to but it's just what I would do because I don't like girls like this. She clearly isn't that into you because she's not making much effort. I'd break it off and wait for a different girl that is actually into me and making more of an effort (Isn't unsure of what she wants). If she really fancied you she wouldn't be questioning anything. Just seems like a doomed situation thats going to turn into a really weak relationship.
Also it's not 'alpha' behaviour. It's just saving yourself from drama and heartbreak lol. Everything is easy when a girl really likes you. Don't have to second guess anything.
(edited 6 years ago)
Original post by ChickenMadness
I don't like girls like this. She clearly isn't that into you because she's not making much effort. I'd break it off and wait for a different girl that is actually into me and making more of an effort (Isn't unsure of what she wants). If she really fancied you she wouldn't be questioning anything.
If this was any other girl (meaning: has any experience), i would agree, but she never went on a date before, don't forget this. She's completely inexperienced (and not just because of this fact, but from the things she's saying) and i actually believe that she has no idea what to think or how to handle this. And even her best friend says that's she's not an easy case, meaning communication and stuff like that, she's very extroverted.
I'm already invested in this (after 1,5 month of dating, you kinda are), so the heartbreak will be there, no matter what and yes, i want to break it off or get a sure answer soon, but man, i feel like i still need to try and not give up this easily. If she wouldn't be interested, she wouldn't say immediately yes to my date requests, this was going so well till now.
(edited 6 years ago)
Original post by Timothy01
If this was any other girl (meaning: has any experience), i would agree, but she never went on a date before, don't forget this. She's completely inexperienced (and not just because of this fact, but from the things she's saying) and i actually believe that she has no idea what to think or how to handle this. And even her best friend says that's she's not an easy case, meaning communication and stuff like that, she's very extroverted.
I'm already invested in this (after 1,5 month of dating, you kinda are), so the heartbreak will be there, no matter what and yes, i want to break it off or get a sure answer soon, but man, i feel like i still need to try and not give up this easily. If she wouldn't be interested, she wouldn't say immediately yes to my date requests, this was going so well till now.
I'm already invested in this (after 1,5 month of dating, you kinda are), so the heartbreak will be there, no matter what and yes, i want to break it off or get a sure answer soon, but man, i feel like i still need to try and not give up this easily. If she wouldn't be interested, she wouldn't say immediately yes to my date requests, this was going so well till now.
You should probably get better at communicating with each other. Ask her how she feels about certain things. Like when you ask children, "how does that make you feel?" And they answer saying something like "It makes me sad."
Like ask her why she is unsure etc. And find out if theres anything she wants to know about you. For your own sanity
Original post by Timothy01
Other inputs are appreciated as well.
Give her some time. She's clearly new to this whole thing and I'm pretty sure she doesn't know what to do, how o act or even what you expect out of her or what guys expect in general.
How long is long? Depends on her, how she reacts and all that. If she positively feels like it's worth being how you want her to be or to do the small things that matter to you, then long won't be too long in her context but probably longer in yours.
Just remember that before making your small gestures, that what seems small for you are huge for her.
Original post by Dr Savage
When a girl says "I'm not sure what I want"
It means she ain't sure what she wants
It means she ain't sure what she wants
Or just sugarcoating "i don't want you". But she could have just told me that when we were talking, so hopefully not.
Do you like her? How do you feel about her? If you genuinely like her then just give it some time, go steady, build up her trust and then I assure you, it will work out. You just have to be in for it for the long run, and if you aren't then why bother.
Original post by Dr Savage
When a girl says "I'm not sure what I want"
It means she ain't sure what she wants
It means she ain't sure what she wants
Or she's too inexperienced to know how to let someone down.
OP - I don't think she's that into you but doesn't know how to break it off. I'd split with her.
Original post by Timothy01
Hey!
So long story long, i've started dating this girl. She's 22, quite shy (socially and with boys), never had a boyfriend, in fact, the first date she's ever been was with me. We started dating 1-1,5 month ago, but we know each other for a year, we are in a university group kinda thing together.
The first date went great, spent the whole afternoon together and went home after midnight, you could just see her positive body language. The second date was a little bit flat and i was worried, so i grabbed her hand when i walked her home. When we said goodbye, you could just feel the awkwardness on her face, i think it was way too fast for her, but she didn't pull away or anythin during holding hands. I messaged her saying that it might have been too fast for her and she said yes it was and said that she can be awkward and doesn't know how to handle situations like this.
After this, we went out again for our 3rd date and i brought up our messaging. She said that she was glad that i asked her out but i made too big gestures with the hand-holding and i also wrote her a letter when i was abroad (not a big deal, it was the same as we were talking) and she's not sure what she wants and she lets me know when she made a decision, but doesn't want to stop seeing me, but she wants more simpler dates, not like the first one which was too long. She also expressed that she never went on a date and stuff like this, explaining that she don't know how to handle this and also the fact that we're in a group together and how it will be within the group if this doesn't end well.
I know this is a textbook red flag, but the fact that she said she still wants to try gave me a little hope. Also, this girl is genuinely inexperienced, so not somebody who would drag you along like a lot of girls.
How would you handle this situation? I feel like i should give her some time, but how long is too long? Also as i mentioned we're in a group together, so we see each other once a week, where there's hardly any talking between us. I think it's a little bit weird for her that we're in this group together while seeing each other, but even i can't handle this, like talking to her within this group like nothing happened, so she might feel like "i'm not cool enough" if i can't make small talk and joke around. But when we're together, i can.
Since she's very unsure about everything, i feel like it matters very much how i behave and show that i'm in charge and sure of myself, but somehow also giving her some space and not rush things. Not sure how to do this though.
I feel like i'm on a razor's edge here and the whole thing succeeds or fails on a very small thing.
So long story long, i've started dating this girl. She's 22, quite shy (socially and with boys), never had a boyfriend, in fact, the first date she's ever been was with me. We started dating 1-1,5 month ago, but we know each other for a year, we are in a university group kinda thing together.
The first date went great, spent the whole afternoon together and went home after midnight, you could just see her positive body language. The second date was a little bit flat and i was worried, so i grabbed her hand when i walked her home. When we said goodbye, you could just feel the awkwardness on her face, i think it was way too fast for her, but she didn't pull away or anythin during holding hands. I messaged her saying that it might have been too fast for her and she said yes it was and said that she can be awkward and doesn't know how to handle situations like this.
After this, we went out again for our 3rd date and i brought up our messaging. She said that she was glad that i asked her out but i made too big gestures with the hand-holding and i also wrote her a letter when i was abroad (not a big deal, it was the same as we were talking) and she's not sure what she wants and she lets me know when she made a decision, but doesn't want to stop seeing me, but she wants more simpler dates, not like the first one which was too long. She also expressed that she never went on a date and stuff like this, explaining that she don't know how to handle this and also the fact that we're in a group together and how it will be within the group if this doesn't end well.
I know this is a textbook red flag, but the fact that she said she still wants to try gave me a little hope. Also, this girl is genuinely inexperienced, so not somebody who would drag you along like a lot of girls.
How would you handle this situation? I feel like i should give her some time, but how long is too long? Also as i mentioned we're in a group together, so we see each other once a week, where there's hardly any talking between us. I think it's a little bit weird for her that we're in this group together while seeing each other, but even i can't handle this, like talking to her within this group like nothing happened, so she might feel like "i'm not cool enough" if i can't make small talk and joke around. But when we're together, i can.
Since she's very unsure about everything, i feel like it matters very much how i behave and show that i'm in charge and sure of myself, but somehow also giving her some space and not rush things. Not sure how to do this though.
I feel like i'm on a razor's edge here and the whole thing succeeds or fails on a very small thing.
This girl has already known you for a year, hung around with your group, and been on not one, not two, but THREE dates with you....and she comes out with? "You made too much of a strong gesture with hand-holding"?
half of most people will have smashed by now
and this girl is chastising you for trying to hold her hand?
duuude..., move on, unfortunately she's not into you, sorry mate
hard NEXT her and don't look back...
As a girl who's also never had a relationship I can tell you that it's not that she doesn't know what she wants, because if she really liked you, she'd want you, she wouldn't be uncertain about this. So maybe she likes you more than other guys she know, but it doesn't mean she likes you as much as you like her. 
Original post by Anonymous
Do you like her? How do you feel about her?
She's quite attractive (like cute, not someone i just want to smash) and i like part of her personality, but the other part is very extroverted and hard to deal with. I thought about this a lot, i mean about how would it be in a relationship with her and whether she would be just as hard to deal with, but then again, we have to be in a relationship to see that.
And yes, i would like to stick around because i feel like she's worth it. I know that the story doesn't sound too positive, but i think most of her behaviour can be explained with her lack of experience and confidence, her shyness and being extroverted.
I'm not someone who's smashing a different girl every week, if i'm into someone, then i'm not interested in anyone else, so i plan to stick around and maybe behave a little more casually with her, not sure what else i can do.
Original post by ANM775
This girl has already known you for a year, hung around with your group, and been on not one, not two, but THREE dates with you....and she comes out with? "You made too much of a strong gesture with hand-holding"?
half of most people will have smashed by now
and this girl is chastising you for trying to hold her hand?
duuude..., move on, unfortunately she's not into you, sorry mate
hard NEXT her and don't look back...
half of most people will have smashed by now
and this girl is chastising you for trying to hold her hand?
duuude..., move on, unfortunately she's not into you, sorry mate
hard NEXT her and don't look back...
I've read your comment twice but i'm not sure what made you write "don't look back" in this story. Till then, everything was going great, she just said that she's not sure. A small obstacle should make me stop?
"half of most people will have smashed by now"
She's 22 and never been on a date before. But sure, we are going to smash immediately, very likely.
Original post by Timothy01
I've read your comment twice but i'm not sure what made you write "don't look back" in this story. Till then, everything was going great, she just said that she's not sure. A small obstacle should make me stop?
"half of most people will have smashed by now"
She's 22 and never been on a date before. But sure, we are going to smash immediately, very likely.
"half of most people will have smashed by now"
She's 22 and never been on a date before. But sure, we are going to smash immediately, very likely.
I say don't look back because this girl seems to me like she isn't that into you and is just keeping you on a string ...and wasting your time.
she's effectively just keeping you around sat on the sub bench, and when you stand up and express willingness to play "trying to hold her hand" she scolds you for it and tells you to sit back down.
A coach never likes to have an empty sub bench and neither do women if they can help it. 50% of women in relationships have a backup guy in the wings http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2769593/HALF-women-fall-partner-standby-fancied-case-current-relationship-turns-sour.html
http://www.medicaldaily.com/back-plan-half-women-relationships-have-plan-b-man-they-can-run-away-305186
and single girls on the dating scene are no different.
Try to get up off that sub bench and walk out and she'll probably change her behavior slightly and try and get you to stay, ...but if you do stay she'll just revert to her same own behavior again. I've experienced girls like this in the past and it's best to just cut them off and not look back. Nothing is happening on your dates mate. So little has gone down on those dates that you could have gone out and done those same things with a bloke and folk would be hard pressed to call you gay.
Your story reminds me of the time some years back, and I met up with this girl [and it was the third time we met now] and I tried to kiss her at the end of the date but she rebuffed me, and then I tried again she was like "don't make it awkward" ...but all this time in messages she had been telling me she really liked me, and even apologised once for her behavior which led to me just walking off and not saying goodbye to her and asked me for a second chance.
but the truth was, that this girl just wasn't that into me.
She found me attractive, but not attractive enough.
I don't care what she said, actions speak louder than words.
In the end I had to next her, ain't got time for time wasters like that.........
randomly bumped into her in a club a few weeks later, she got very jealous when I was dancing with another girl, actually came up to us and stood there watching with her arms folded. But by that stage I was no longer interested in her.
She wasn't truly interested in me. Just hated to see her backup guy get off her sub bench and get cosy with another coach...
and yes, a lot of people would have smashed by the third date. If you have reached the third date and no physical contact has happened and neither of you is a muslim then something is seriously wrong here, one or both of you ain't too interested in the other. She is scolding you for holding her hand and it's date 3. I'd hate to see what she would do if you tried to kiss her........, bite your lips off?
move on dude, move on...............
Original post by ANM775
If you have reached the third date and no physical contact has happened and neither of you is a muslim then something is seriously wrong here
We are both catholics, so you can imagine that "smashing" is not gonna happen for a while, let alone on the 3rd date. As i said, what you're saying makes sense with a girl who had a couple of boyfriends, but not with someone who's _this_ inexperienced.
I can imagine that holding hands on the 2nd date for her was like test driving a Bugatti Chiron at 400km/h after you just drove a car for the first time in your entire life.
But i can be wrong, yes. I already felt bad after our 3rd date, so i guess it won't be much more worse for me, i'm kinda ready for her to say no at this point, it won't be out of the blue. I just feel like she's worth it, not every relationship starts easily, it's quite normal. I decided to stick around for a little bit, not like i want to chase another girls at this point, i have too much on my mind.
(edited 6 years ago)
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