Really Complicated and Confusing Problem

So this is really complicated, I don't really know where to start.

I'm not quite sure why I'm posting this or what I hope to achieve. I suppose I just need to entangle some confusion that I'm having and maybe recieve some enlightenment about how to proceed or what to do or how to do social interraction-y things.

So recently I've found that my personally has changed completely and utterly. I'm really a very different person to maybe three months ago. I really have absolutely no idea how this has happened or why this has happened or what caused it. So I have had crippling social anxiety for as long as I can remember now. It reached a really bad point about 14 months ago when I attempted suicide because I thought there was no future for me as a 16 year old who could hardly talk to anyone because of my social anxiety. I couldn't buy anything in a shop, I just thought there was no future for me and I might as well end it. The whole suicide thing came as a real shock to my parents as they didn't really know and I'd just achieved my school's best ever GCSE result. I wouldn't talk to them or anyone about my inner feelings because of the whole anxiety and introvert thing. I don't think anyone else every found out. I still don't talk about honest inner feelings very well. Writing this is really scary. I'm surprised I'm even doing this. I think it's helping though.

That aside though as a bit of necessary backstory, the suicide attempt time was at a point where my social anxiety peaked. It usually wasn't that bad and it stopped being that bad after a while. I could cope with society. I still hated talking to people or being in the presence of anyone other than myself, but I could cope. I was the extreme definition of an introvert.

Towards the end of the last school year though, at the end of year 12, things slowly started to change. I found myself kind of sometimes enjoying talking to people, getting a bit of a kick out of it. Almost like an extreme sport with an adrenaline rush, especially when talking to attractive people my age of the opposite sex. That was something new that I wouldn't have thought possible before then. Near the end of the year there were people who I would almost call my friends. I was, and still am, too scared to use the word friend though. I've never had friends before. I'm still too scared to call someone my friend to their face. I don't know why, fear of rejection maybe? I don't think I believe they really are my friends. I think they must just be playing a practical joke on me... surely? I never used to want friends. I never used to see the point. I always used to prefer just being on my own. I've totally changed.

So near the end of last year, I had some, let's say acquaintances. Don't over think what I mean by this though. I was not going out partying, yeah lol as if. I was talking to people during lunch time in the canteen or saying 'hello' to people in the morning and 'goodbye' at the end of the day. It's still almost a shock when people say it back... So that's where I was at the end of year 12. Then during the summer holiday, I actually missed people from school! Jesus Christ I genuinely missed people from school and wished I could speak to them. If you'd told me that would happen a few months earlier I would have said you were talking about a different person. There's no way.

So getting towards current times now at the start of year 13. If anyone's still reading this rambly typo-filled monologue then I salute you for your bravery. I got back into school and my acquintances became more and more like what I had in years previous only imagined social relationships could be like. It turns out that I'm funny and are able to tell jokes. Who knew? I certainly wouldn't have believed I'd have to guts to tell a joke to someone around the suicide attempt. So, I still only interract with people in school, and really only on very limited occasions because, obviously, my reputation is being someone who hates talking to people and prefers to sit in the corner silently and on their own. I am the extreme introvert who spends their whole time studying and doesn't want to talk to anyone. At leats that's what everyone things. But I don't think I'm an introvert anymore... at least not that much.

So yeah. I think you can kind of see my problem. I don't have ANY social media at all. Literally everyone else in my school has facebook and instasnapgramtubespacechat or whatever and I know full well that I must totally be missing out on loads. School work too with all of the subject facebook groups that I'm not on which does kind of bother me. But how the heck am I supposed to go from in the past expressing how much I think social media is evil and I will never in a million years get it to creating a facebook and... then I have to send messages to people asking them to be my friend?!? There is absolutely no way I can do that. I could never use the word friend. Sadly there's no option on facebook to send people an 'I realise you exist and sometimes talk to you but would really, really like to get to know you better' request. Also, there's no way I can take a stupid picture of myself to put on all these pages. I've skipped school on photo days before...

And how do I start interracting with people outside of school? I've never, ever, done anything like that before. It would just be so against the stereotype that I've been put in by everyone in school that it is just too impossible to break out. I don't even know. I am much happier now though generally. Even if it just stays at a level of talking to people in school and laughing with people, it's such a revolutionary difference compared to my life previously. I'm so pleased that I failed to kill myself. I just wonder if there's some way to progress this even further. Even just getting a facebook account and being involved in the world of social media with my peers (see, again I'm too scared to use the word friend) would revolutionise things. But I really don't know. I'm going through an existential crisis of sorts.

As I said, I don't know why I've posted this. I don't know what I expect people to reply about or if I expect people to actually read this monologue. But it's been therapeutic to write this all out. Thank you. Not sure who I'm thanking. Just the world in general really for changing me.

This is the first time I have ever been honest with my emotions like this. There’s no way I could ever say any of this in real life. I’ve even hidden my real IP address to stop this being traced back to me. I’m still scared of the truth I guess.