Quit uni for my parents

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I'm at uni and I recently told my dad I have a boyfriend and he's really mad, so much so he cancelled his plans to visit me on my birthday. I've just accepted that I won't see my family on my birthday, because I'm not going to stop doing what I want just to please my dad. It's hard and I cried a lot but it'll be worth it. In the end, your parents will probably die before you and then what will you do? You'll have lived your life to suit them, when in the end you'll be left alone anyway living a life you didn't want to and possibly too late to start the life you did want to.

Idk I've tried leaving a few times only to return bc I've never been on my own and I'm frankly too scared to be all alone out there in the big world I tried reasoning but my dad told me it's up to me either do stay and follow his rules or leave and leave my life as I want but never see them again...plus the Asian community would not leave then alone and they'd have to leave town of not the country bc of me

Reply 21

Kindred

Original post by Anonymous

I didn't actually start it bc they never allowed me to go;I really wanted to go I tried reasoning with then saying that I'll be home on the weekends and the only thing they said was this is not a hotel where you come and gonna you please I said I cannot allow you to leave bc you can't be staying out of the house;how will I face the community and all the Asian bs

Are these really people you want to be staying with? It doesn't sound fun for you.
Don't let them dictate your life with threats or scary scenarios. They may be doing it out of love, but it's not healthy.
If you want to go to uni (which it sounds like you do) then go to uni. If they love you they will learn to live with it. This is your life, not theirs. You get to choose how you live it and why.

Any chance of you getting some counselling or using a service like samaritans (you can email btw) to help you work all this out?
It's a big decision and it seems like there's a lot factoring in. It sound like something you need a decent think about and I think talking to somebody about it could really help.

Are you still at college or do you still have access to their support services. A lot of colleges will have people to help with life choices like this. Might be worth seeing them.

Reply 22

bluestar20

It's your decision so I respect it. But, this got me curious. Why on earth would your parents discourage you to pursue your studies and dreams??!

Reply 23

bluestar20

Original post by Anonymous

Ah I freaking hate Asian parents only they can come up with his emotional blackmail vs like this but again if she leaves the parents and family what guarantees she will succeed in her dreams and ambitions and tat everyone else will accept her

50-50 here.

I don't think they are Asian parents because Asian parents are all out when it comes to their children's education.

Yes, they can be Asian because of the "close family ties" thing they have. That even if their sons/daughters already have family, they all still live in 1 roof.

But oh well, this is not important in this topic.

Reply 24

Dysf(x)al

Original post by Anonymous7901

Hi so some time ago I posted with a question that my parents didn't want me to go uni and I wanted but if i did they'd disown me well I've decided to finally quit uni and stay with my parents well because fear of loneliness got the best of me and also they've quite scared me by saying I'll be alone in the future and rot here and there but then I'll be alone with no-one by my side

What's more important? Following your dreams and your career, or pleasing a couple of people who share half their chromosomes and (no offence) probably won't be around for nearly as long as you will be. Why didn't they want you to go to uni?

In any case, they're in the wrong, and at some point you have to ask yourself whether you really want them to be a part of your life if they're still trying to control you like this.

Reply 25

Dysf(x)al

Original post by bluestar20

Depends on whether you mean Asian as in Chinese or Asian as in the entire continent. A lot of Asia is very behind with education, especially when it comes to girls.

Reply 26

Anonymous #5

Hey, I'm from an Irish traveler community and they have the same backward views. My whole life they've expected me to find a girl and get married and start some sort of manual work to make money - it wasn't me. I knew I wanted to go to uni because even though I know when I go in september I'll never be able to come back, I don't care. They will come around eventually and be really proud, I am their kid. But I need to do this for me, please do the same! You will make friends for life at uni and be able to get a good job and actually be normal - we need to be role models in our communities.

Reply 27

Anonymous7901

Original post by bluestar20

It's your decision so I respect it. But, this got me curious. Why on earth would your parents discourage you to pursue your studies and dreams??!

Marriage rather than education sincevim girl that should be my life goal according to them

Reply 28

Anonymous7901

Original post by Anonymous

Hey I would love to be a role model not only for the community but also my other siblings but it just frieghtnes me that I'll be all alone and they've clearly stated that if set foot out of this house they're dead to me and I'm dead to them and they'll never see me again so having lived inter their protectiveness all my l8fe it scares me to just leave everything behind..

Reply 29

bluestar20

Original post by Anonymous7901

Marriage rather than education sincevim girl that should be my life goal according to them

Ok I get it now. But in this technology age, I can't believe there are still parents like yours. Very traditional set-up.

Reply 30

Anonymous #6

I understand it was your choice to make, but it is sad to read this. You have to sacrifice your hopes and dreams for your parents, what about your happiness? You aren't a child anymore - you have the capability and responsibility to make your own decisions. What about further down the line, when it is too late to do anything about it? Will you always listen to your parents and let them control your life? You have no agency, and I fear the repercussions on your mental and physical health.

Reply 31

Rabbit2

Original post by Kindred

I don't want to tell you what decisions to make- only you can do that- but this doesn't seem like healthy reasoning.
This may sound super pessimistic or nasty, but what are you going to do when your parents die or become ill and can't be your company? You need to live your own life. If that life doesn't include uni then that's fine, but it needs to be your life and your decision.
You can still be close to your parents and spend time with them or even live with them, but make sure you are doing it for you.

Why did you start uni? Do your enjoy what you're studying? Do you have dreams of what you will do as you grow older? Will you still be able to do that if you make this decision?

Parents should build you up, help you achieve things and grow. They should not be limiting you. Only you can know if they are, but it seems to me they might be weather they realise it or not.

How far into uni are you? Is it so much time that you honestly fear you will be permanently distanced from them and lonely forever? Would you not be able to complete uni and see them over holidays then see where your life takes you next?
It's your decision to make, but right now it seem like it's your parents making it. Just be sure that isn't the case before you do anything.

Hope that doesn't come across as rude or pushy. Good luck with whatever you choose.

IF you look at western society more than half of all marriages end in divorce. I suspect that if there were less 'hassle' involved, the percentage would be much higher. In the majority of cases, the women end up with the kids. Unfortunately, they are usually the more poorly educated of the team, making them less able to support themselves and their kids. A woman that has a decent education, and earns £50,000 to £60,000, doesn't have a very serious problem, because she can hire child care, pay for a flat, and feed her kids. If she only earns half to one third of that, she has a serious problem. Additionally, she is not forced to take on the first guy that shows any interest at all in her and her kids. She doesn't have to settle for an alcoholic, abusive truck driver, just to get someone who MAY help pay the rent. This also works the other way, because if you're a guy, you can easily get hooked up with someone who only wants to 'getr her hair and nails done' every day, and spend your money as fast as she can. Really, the only thing most people have to sell is their skill set, and that is built up by education. Your 'rents will not live forever. Eventually, you will have to take care of them, both physically and financially. Then, you will be on your own - with only the skill set that you have built up in your early years. A mate of mine had a father who went through the last depression doing small printing jobs in a spare room. His standard line was "you can always make money doing printing". That may have been true in 1930, but we're NOT in 1930 now. Today, anyone with a few hundred quid can buy a used computer & do much better printing than me mate's dad ever did. You have to plan on the next 50 years, in choosing what to do with your life. I did a master's degree in electrical engineering, and it has paid me decently my entire life. When i retired, i was making about £70,000, plus benefits. I get a pension of about $2500 a month. I can live on that. Best of luck

Reply 32

username1450924

At some point in time you have to take responsibility for your actions. You decided to quit Uni, I suspect you are trying to justify it by blaming your parents.

Its your life, and we are not here to judge. But you should know if you come to regret it, you cannot blame your parents, only yourself

Reply 33

Avaia

I can't say this in any way that won't sound bad...but one day your parents will both be dead, and you will be left here with your life and the decisions you make now will affect the future. You can't let them control you. If they threaten to disown you for wanting to better yourself...they are a**holes

Reply 34

Anonymous7901

Original post by Tommy1boy

Honestly Idk if I'm Reyna blame them or what but still o think it is their fault I'm in this situation I always believed parents want the best for their child but my rents just want to confirm to the typical Asian mindset of the daughter having only one goal in life which is to breed nd be a housewife.

Reply 35

Anonymous #7

This makes me very sad. What kind of parent would not share the hopes and aspirations of their child and encourage them to fulfil their dreams.

Is there any way you could go back to uni? I strongly suspect that if you did and do well next year they'll be boasting to all their friends about their clever child at uni. If you don't, I suspect there will be some point where they complain you never made anything of yourself.

Reply 36

username1450924

Original post by Anonymous7901

And you decided to go back to them. At the end of the day, that was your decision. I presume you are now also financially dependant on your parents?

Reply 37

Anonymous #2

Original post by Avaia

She's Asian I know how theyr like close knit families and if their parents come to threaten then with disownment they actually do it
It's actually sad she's been put in a situation where shes being emotionally blackmailed and forced to choose between an education guaranteeing a future and her family

Reply 38

Anonymous7901

Original post by Tommy1boy

And you decided to go back to them. At the end of the day, that was your decision. I presume you are now also financially dependant on your parents?

Yes is maybe I am blaming them but I doubt anyone would be happy or willing to leave their own family for anything plus ppl in society lockdown upon you if you're al alone I think imagine you get in an accident or whatever and there's no-one...its a sh*tty situation to be In unfortunately

Reply 39

stoyfan

Original post by Anonymous7901

Well that not what actually happens.

If you go to uni, you will still see your parents if you choose to do so.

Original post by Anonymous7901

Just because you are going to uni, doesn't mean that you are 'leaving the family'. Of course people don't enjoy saying farewell to their parents before leaving the flock, but they do it anways because it is nessecary.

Whether if it is now or in ten more years, you will leave a house in order to forge a new life. It is inevitable but I suggest that you make the change now.