Should I get my brother a birthday card or is this the end of our relationship?

If you had a brother/family member who hadn't spoken to you/been in contact with you for almost a year and who made no effort to see you - would you send them a birthday card? This has been on my mind a lot lately with his birthday coming up and personally, I don't want to send him a card. But I don't know if I'm perhaps burning a bridge here...and if I am...I'm not sure if I care anymore.

Thanks

Reply 1

JMR2021_

Debate & Current Affairs Helper

Original post by Anonymous

Yeah do send him a card or present, it could start rebuilding the bridge instead of burning it down.

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

Original post by JMR2017

Yeah do send him a card or present, it could start rebuilding the bridge instead of burning it down.

Problem is - I don't want him in my life anymore on the level that he used to be. I'd prefer for us to be civil but with a clear line between us because otherwise he starts pushing boundaries in terms of his behaviour.
So I don't want him getting the wrong idea and thinking I want to get to know him again. I feel like he might think a birthday card is an olive branch, when it's not. From my point of view I'd be doing it just so that he doesn't have ammunition to fire at me when he sees our parents and my name comes up.

Reply 3

JMR2021_

Debate & Current Affairs Helper

Original post by Anonymous

May I ask why you don't want your brother in your life?

Reply 4

Kindred

Original post by Anonymous

A card in the mail is acquaintance level stuff. You don't want to kill the relationship, but you don't want to start a convo.
A card just appears. There's no link to a fb chat or implication of real effort from a present.
I would send a card.

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

Original post by JMR2017

May I ask why you don't want your brother in your life?

It's really difficult to explain, especially to people who've never met him or possibly never experienced anyone with his particular issues. Basically he has a personality disorder (which he is aware of but apparently can't control - I have no idea how true that is but personally I just can't get my head around the fact that he's aware of being awful to people but apparently can't stop it) and he also has bi-polar disorder. He takes medication but it only takes the edge off of him. He's very Jekyll and Hyde.

You wouldn't really guess about his issues if you met him and chatted for 10 mins - he's very charming. Which is why most people don't notice until a few months/years into a friendship and then they're met with something else entirely and they run - and become a target for his hate because he feels rejected.

I've stood by him and made allowances for him my entire life (he's only 3 years older) because he's my brother - and for many years I just felt sorry for him because whatever goes on in his head is obviously not right. But I'm in my mid-20's - I've put up with it for a long time and although I understand he has problems I feel like I shouldn't have to experience such anxiety and upset because of his behavior any more.

I recently realized there must be more of a boundary because I cannot live like this for the rest of my life - it gives me anxiety when I know I have to see him, and when I'm with him I have to bite my tongue and tread on eggshells around him. Since he stopped making an effort about a year ago after a particularly unpleasant meeting, I stopped too and honestly my life has been so much more peaceful. But I fear that if I send him a birthday card he will get in touch/see it as acceptance/forgiveness of the way he treated me the last time I saw him. But if I don't send a card, I know he will be furious and I feel like it could add fuel to the fire. So yeah, I just feel like I'm in a catch 22.

Reply 6

FluffyCatbus

I hope you are still in peace and maybe, you didn't send that card. I just came across this post as I have a very similar issue and I feel for you. Best wishes