Complicated mess

Sorry it's long...

I've been together with my other half a long time. A couple of years ago he got depression (which we didn't realise at the time) and started treating me like **** - angry all the time, really controlling, paranoid etc.
We came close to breaking point a few times.

Last year I started chatting online with a male friend. He listened to me a lot, made me feel special, and after a few months we ended up having sex. He isn't a single guy either.

We had an affair. I wasn't the only person that guy was cheating with though. He was also sleeping with three other lasses. (Two of which knew about me.)

He would give really contradictory messages. On the one hand saying he cares and that he's fond of me, but on the other hand saying it was just a bit of fun and that he didn't want any attachments.

Anyway, my other half and I were at breaking point.

December last year, my friend fell out with me for a few days, and I was heartbroken. It was then I realised I was in love with my friend. My partner has already guessed as much.

My partner comforted me through it, but things were still difficult between us, and eventually my friend made up with me. I slept with him a few more times in spring this year, but then I ended it. I didn't like the deception.

My partner and I ended up splitting up in June for a couple of weeks, but then we got back together. We decided to have an open relationship at this point.

I was still chatting 24/7 to my friend, but we were no longer having sex.

Anyway, beginning of October I admitted to my partner that I'd had sex with my friend. He already guessed it. He didn't mind about the sex itself as we are now open, but he did get upset that I'd done it behind his back. He told me to tell my friend that he knew. He said he wasn't mad and wasn't going to kick up a fuss though.

I told my friend that I'd told my partner and he went absolutely mental. He said I'd betrayed his trust, and that I'd given my partner "ammunition to ruin his life". He told me to stay away from him.

That was nearly 4 weeks ago. I've tried once to SMS him and once to email him (which is all I can do as he has totally blocked me across social media) but absolutely no response.

I'm so upset. My friend meant the world to me. It's like I'm dead to him. If I'm honest I still love him, but he's not mine to love. But God I miss him as a friend.

I'm not even remotely proud of the cheating btw.

I just need to stop missing him. I feel lost! Any advice?

TL;Dr : I cheated on my partner with my friend (who isn't single). Told my partner. Told my friend my partner knew, and friend now hates me and is acting like I'm dead. I miss my friend.

Reply 1

Hopefully1

Wow..... that is a complicated mess!! In the long run that is probably the best outcome actually. Your friend was using you sexually. As ,long as you had romantic feelings for him he was never going to be just your friend. Not sure why you stayed with your partner because your friend was actually your #1. You are at a good place to start fresh with your actual partner if that is what you want. I hope your partner has gotten help for his depression and that he's treating you better now. As far as being heartbroken over your friend his behavior is questionable. He wasn't single - not in an open relationship - yet he was cheating on his girlfriend w/ at least 3 girls (including you) that you know of. Doesn't sound like too solid a character to me. He cheats on his regular gf and if you'd gotten w/ him he'd have cheated on you as well. I don't think he was as genuine a friend as you thought. He freaked out because he was afraid of being found out..... not out of regret for what he'd done or regret for the way he treated his gf and you your bf.

You need to concentrate on keeping your bf if that is what you want. He must really think you're special because most guys would not put up w/ this complicated mess!

Reply 2

Anonymous #2

I know exactly how you feel. there's a lollipop headed thug called troy dennneeeeyyyyyyyyyy who may be able to help you. btw tyrone mings is a beast skrt skrt

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

Original post by Hopefully1

Thanks for taking the time to read all that.
You're right of course, the friend hasn't been a very good friend, but feelings and emotions are funny things. Logically I should think he's a bit of a jerk, and I do... but... I got very very close to him emotionally, and we all know the heart wants what the heart wants, no matter how irrational.

As for my partner, despite the way he was being with me at the height of his depression, he's a good guy. He truly loves me I think. I must admit he's the "safe" option rather than the wildly exciting one, but I'd be stupid to leave someone I've been with for so long, who is dependable and who loves me.

He still has his depression but he's managing it better these days.

I wish I could stop obsessing over my friend though. My mind drifts to him all the time, and every time I check my emails I silently pray I'm going to see one from him. But there's nothing. He's cut me off completely.

We have many mutual friends as well so I hear about him often which makes it even harder.

Reply 4

Hopefully1

Original post by Anonymous

You are absolutely right about feelings you really can't control them but..... at this point....you do know what you're dealing with as far as you 'friend'. He isn't one. In the long run, really, it is better that he has cut you off even though you'd really rather be in contact with him. Not having access to him is better for you in the long run.

As far as your boyfriend....you're honest saying he is your 'safe choice'. Is that who you want to spend your life with - just the safe choice. If you aren't having feelings for him then if you care for him you should let him go! You say that he loves you but you've never mentioned loving him just basically loving your friend. If you don't have love in your heart for your boyfriend then please respect him and break it off. Both of you deserve better than just being available to and safe for each other. In the long run if you don't have more for each other than that your relationship won't last anyway.... just being honest. Try to focus on rekindling what you have with your boyfriend... make him your priority.

Reply 5

cheesecakelove

If you are serious about your boyfriend, you need to focus on your own relationship rather than worry about your friend. I know you miss him, but things that have happened have changed your friendship. Give your friend some space - if he is willing to talk to you, he will get in touch.

Reply 6

Anonymous #3

Original post by Anonymous

after a few months we ended up having sex. He isn't a single guy either.

I slept with him a few more times in spring this year

Original post by Anonymous

I'm not even remotely proud of the cheating btw.

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

Original post by Anonymous

Well it had to be said didn't it. I'm not trying to condone the affair. It was a *****y thing to do, on both our parts. I followed my lust and heart and not my head which was terrible. I showed no regard for my partner.

There's no real point pulling a face like that. I'm fully aware I screwed up big time. That's why I stopped what I was doing and I came clean to my partner.

Sometimes people do really really stupid things. It's an unfortunate side effect of being human. The point is to not repeat them. If I could change the past, I would, but I can't.