Keeping Calm and Cavying on at uni

awww matrix you are so lovely
not really tbh my acts of kindness to myself are only things like showering etc
lmao im not acc calm tbh im not entirely sure i can get it all done but will try
Thank you matrix
and not really and trying to eat as little as possible
i am so negative today i apologise
sorry to hear you have so much uni work btw


Thank you MNM you are very sweet

awww matrix you are so lovely

Sorry for not doing this for a while and not being overly talkative, just feel like absolute **** tbh, everything feels just really hard to do, idk whether to go back to the doctor but im seeing them in a week anyway. dont think that would achieve too much anyway as they seem to think im coping better than i am but then part of me thinks that if i say that they will think im just making excuses so i dont have to talk about the other stuff anymore and meh. In fact idk what anyone can really do because everyone seems to take 100 years to do anything 'keep an eye on your email', 'wait for the post'


in fact idk why it's thousands of tears since i dont really cry anymore, well not until last night lmao, then i exploded in a waterfall of electrolytes and water and couldn't get my breath from all my hiccuping. I think the girl next door thinks im insane because the entire week she was away i literally did nothing embarrassing and my meltdown would have to coincide with her return, so it looks like i've been crying all week. Had the door shut and everything but the walls are like paper here, which is not great for the other reason of i realised i cant stand specific noises. I have no idea why but noises just get to me so much and make me want to scream, certain household noises especially, knocking was one of those things which is why i think i started hearing it in my head at night before i went to sleep but fortunately noone knocks on my door here. Muffled talking also really gets to me like when you can hear talking but not the words and just no happily only 2 house parties have been thrown here (i am so dreading halloween tomorrow because i just know everyone is going to be stoned and drunk and i cant deal). Anyway..


30/10/17 (realised i have been writing 2018 for all of these.....

What I'm grateful for today
my radiator, without it i wouldnt be able to dry any of my clothes (yes i know you arent meant to technically put wet clothes on the radiator but i have no choice) and also im really cold recently so its nice and warm in here now. I also dont have to pay for utilities so i enjoy having the freedom to put it on and off whenever i want and taking really long showers when i eventually do shower just because i can

A random act of kindness I've done
i dont really know you would have to ask the people i have interacted with today which is none inrl cos im antisocial and been doing work

A random act of kindness someone has done for me
my friend inrl sent me a nice message

Something I could improve on
Everything, only ate cereal then ate a muffin and ruined it will eat pasta tonight because im aiming to only eat two things a day. Also not falling asleep when i'm meant to be doing work also working quicker and just functioning as a person in general

What I've achieved today/Things I did well
Showered, tidied my room a little (still need to hoover it but ran out of mental energy) and cleaned my bin out. Have done loads of design drawings but it's still not enough, still need to do about 50 by wednesday

What I've done to look after my mental health
Nothing really, the more my MH has a go at me and makes me feel bad the less i want to look after it

Something I have to look forward to
nothing, will probably stay up all night tomorrow to finish this work.


hugs to @Matrix123, @Midnightmemories and @Pathway

How come you're lowering your food intake?

To save money and because i dont like it when the doctor weighs me and talks to me about the pill and my ovaries and stuff

Please be really careful, this can end up going down a slippery and dangerous path all too easily

dw am listening to people, like those who say dont just eat cereal etc i now eat pasta or soup and stuff at night, just trying to get more of a routine going tbh as i either dont eat when i feel really really depressed or comfort eat when i feel sad. Plus i also want to show willing to the doctor over this, im not entirely sure why they are bothered about it (well i do cos ovaries) but she said that im at the higher end of ok bmi and would like me to make 'lifestyle changes' whilst im waiting for all the other things to start like therapy and stuff. The whole thing just makes me feel self conscious and awful but i dont want to be a bad patient and if im not committed over this then they might think im not committed over MH stuff and take stuff away from me. Have been trying to do some of the stuff she says although i am yet to buy seeds (apparently it is good to eat seeds)

They can't take stuff away from you even if you're not following all their advice - that's not how the NHS works If that were the way things worked, smokers, alcoholics and morbidly obese people would never get treatment for anything

It's good to try and eat more healthy if you can (says she who never bothers ) but cutting down to 2 meals per day doesn't sound healthy at all tbh

everyone seems to take 100 years to do anything

I like how immediately after i write this i get a flood of emails in my mail box about disability support lol my luck is amusing, still it's a good thing though that hopefully someone will now want to help me out . Still checking the post every day for the therapy stuff (paranoid it's going to get lost because shared house and all but my other therapy letters came fine so) in fact someone actually posted the last letter under my door which was nice cos usually they are just left on the table. Anyway. Am really really exhausted find it hard to sleep at the best of times never mind when there is an inebriated stoned girl rolling around on the pavement outside my room screaming at 4am she was with her mates and stuff otherwise i would have gone out to try to help, ngl i dont have a huge amount of sympathy for stuff like that but still wouldn't want anything to happen to people.
Just tired and depressed and have 40 more designs to do for tomorrow :/ done 160 which is fair going but

31/10/17
What I'm grateful for today
That i dont have to wake up anymore at 8am on a tuesday last workshop lesson was today (i do like workshop stuff but i dislike waking up early) this means from now on i will have a 4 day weekend (bless ) which means i can do more work and sleep more

A random act of kindness I've done
gave a girl some of my spraypaint because hers exploded everywhere in the workshop :s

A random act of kindness someone has done for me
the workshop dude guy helped me catch up because i was poorly last week and missed the session, i am all caught up now and only have to do the top coat of paint which is the same stage as everyone else

Something I could improve on
not sleeping through my alarm, always had issues with this because when im in a nightmare i think it's real so i dont feel like the need to try and wake up as such? until i like die or something then i wake up but until that point it just feels like it's real life so it's hard in that way. Woke up half an hour later by accident (sometimes it is helpful to have nightmares as if i had not had one i would have carried on sleeping until like 10am) but had to skip breakfast and stuff so i wasnt late which isnt helpful cos im trying to get into a routine goddamn.

What I've achieved today/Things I did well
Got all caught up in my workshop session and actually enjoyed it a bit. Think im starting to make friends a bit as well, even with the boys which i didnt expect, they still smell weird and act in a strange macho manner but they arent as scary as i thought tbf

What I've done to look after my mental health
replied to all the DSA stuff

Something I have to look forward to
being kept up all night by a load of stoned drunk halloween ghosts and zombies screaming outside my window because after all it is halloween which has always been my absolute favourite time of year (not )

Sounds like you have done some really good things today. Keep being kind to yourself, you deserve acts of kindness too. Well done on dealing with all the DSA stuff, even grown up ( allegedly!) mothers find all the paperwork tedious and daunting. Glad to hear that your Tuesdays are now a bit more civilised. Keep taking it all one day at a time. Sending a huge hug.

that is actually a really good point i hadn't thought of it like that will still do what she says ofc but that does take some of the fear off of being discharged
will try to eat 3 then just feel really guilty when i eat anything even if it's fruit or something, but will try if that's what people think is best

if there is any drunk stoned people rolling on my pavement tonight i am not hesitating to pour my tin of gross maceroni cheese out my window

Happy to have helped. I understand you're worried about money too but there are uni hardship funds and things that the uni can probs do to help you further if need be, money-wise

Well done on all the work you've done btw



Ngl, the mental image of you doing this has made my day

Thank you TLG you are always really supportive and lmao well have to find some use for it seeing as it is basically radioactive waste sold as food

I tried canned mac and cheese too. It's bad. Especially cold.

Lots of people with depression have trouble maintaining healthy eating habits. It is actually one of the symptoms of depression on the NHS website - either increased or decreased appetite. You won't get discharged for not doing exactly what the doctor tells you with regard to eating so don't worry about that. It's good you're trying to stay within an ok BMI but it's important to do it healthily. Sorry, not trying to lecture you, I know how tempting it is to just quit eating altogether or some fad diet, but if you want to stay healthy then eating well is crucial. It's also essential for brain function; if you're depriving yourself of calories/nutrients then it'll only make your depression worse. It's difficult to find the motivation when you're so tired but could you try exercising more? Even just going for a 15 minute walk around campus after dinner can help. Or taking the long route to classes or something. Anyway, sorry for butting in.

Hope you had a great bath, hope there were bubbles. While it would be good to think that you weren't disturbed by the drunks last night, the thought of them dripping with tinned mac n cheese has me slightly hoping it happened! Look at all the work you have done over the last week or so, wow. Be very proud of yourself. Just keep going with those small steps.