Sky's Mindfulness Journal (Mk.II)
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Having a PhD does make one overqualified for everything but a career in research, but it is possible (albeit difficult) to do other things
I'm hoping to continue working in mental health, like what I'm doing now (though poss a different role) 
I'm hoping to continue working in mental health, like what I'm doing now (though poss a different role) For some reason Music Therapy strikes me as something you'd be pretty good at
Nah, that does sound very you - hope it all works out for you
Nah, that does sound very you - hope it all works out for you
I think I'd be a pretty **** music therapist, haha!
But it's nice that you think otherwise 
I meant more a kinda admin job for a mental health charity, or being a motivational speaker or something like that
DAY 8
Not Living
(Hopefully the last venting post I need to make for a while - will be seeing my counsellor person on Monday...hopefully
)I have now officially had it with this course. I understand the premise behind group work, but it's unrealistic and unhelpful for any self-respecting course to run FOUR different group presentations at once; for the Maths one I've basically had to do everything and have 6 hours to edit everything. For another two I somehow need to find enough to fill 5 minutes worth each, and for the last one we literally have been given a genetic condition and told to make a powerpoint presentation - no lectures or information whatsoever.
I legitimately don't know if it's the university or the course honestly making me despise science currently. I'd be willing to accept that university in general has been something I pinned too many hopes on, but it has been a miserable seven weeks. At what point do you even just admit this isn't working? I don't know, because educationally I've always been the type to just power through and accept there are no alternatives. At university level, this tried-and-tested method honestly just isn't working and I don't know what to do anymore.
Of course, I'm aware I do have alternatives; one is to take a Physics foundation, and the other is to take Ancient History and/or Latin despite its supposed lack of employability whatsoever. To be honest, I know I'm capable of getting into either Edinburgh or Glasgow if I took that path, I would've expected that getting a degree from somewhere like that would counteract the 'uselessness'.
If I was completely useless at Biology, this would be a lot easier. But I'm not. I'm succeeding with flying results...and I don't know what to do. If I had to guess, I think I care more about Ancient History and Latin - I watch documentaries about Spartacus and read Ovid for fun, after all - but I've turned away from it twice now out of this fear that sometimes what we like isn't what's best.
Moreover, I'm terrified of making a snap judgment. I truly believed that this would be fun, a step in the right direction - all of the above, really. I believed I was making my family proud, and Rebekah, and proving to myself I could do it. I'm not failing, so maybe that's proof enough...I don't know, really. Another point in Arts' favour is that yes, essays will be long and require much personal time, but as someone that currently spends 40 hours a week in lectures and easily another 20 studying or doing coursework/presentations, the ability to just have free time is such a blessing to think about.
It's part of a wider issue I've always had; I just try to please far too easily and conform to what people say. For example, being told AH+L is useless, and believing it without even trying to justify myself. Or giving up games and things just because I was told once that it's unattractive, and so on. I can't really remember if i've spoken about this before but, part of me wonders if this is just the next step.
I did four Arts A Levels and did pretty damn well; when Arts became stigmatised, I gave up and started teaching myself sciences again instead. Why did I even do that? These upper-classes running our country did Arts, in fact most do; if the Arts are tea in a cafe reading a book, Science is a pressure cooker you're getting burned by, but keep moving. I'm more than willing to believe this is why science is more employable, but the past seven weeks alone have taught me valuably how much you lose as a HUMAN, as a result.
I mean, thinking about it. I literally just wake up, study, go to lectures, study more, do coursework/presentation work, eat and go to bed because I'm so tired. I can't go to any societies because they're over in the other campus 40 minutes away and I'm too tired. I can't go out and socialise because everyone else has free time. It is maddening beyond the amount of words a TSR post will probably even let me get away with. i literally have no life. worse of all, i think it just makes me depressive and unapproachable. I wouldn't be surprised if that would explain some of the problems I've had since coming here with other people...
A while ago I came to realise the extent I've been ruining my own life and happiness by doing things like this, just conforming so immediately, being so terrified to upset anyone and changing just in the vein hope of finding friends (and conforming completely if i get anything more). So now I genuinely don't know what to think or do. I could, right this moment, write a statement for AH+L and send it off, and this year would have no consequence whether I get 100% or fail completely. And I'd probably be a happier person for it...
...but, well. Snap decisions do me no good, either. And I don't know if this counts as one; it's been nearly 2 months and the thought's been on my mind for at least 3 weeks. I mean, what if Edinburgh or Belfast or Glasgow don't take me? Then this whole gallant act has been for nothing, and I'll still need to fight on through the rest of the year.
By the gods, I wish I knew what I was doing. :sad2:
=========
EDIT NOV 10 - Yeah, so continuing this trend I actually thought it would be fine to give up because my Chemistry grades haven't been great even if my Bio ones have...and then I get 80% on a practical I was basically certain I failed, and 75% on a written test.
I'm leaving Cardiff one way or another, but now knowing I'm actually capable of getting the grades to study at higher universities like possibly Edinburgh...I'm having doubts.
Edinburgh is the one I want to get into. Looking at their 2016 acceptance statistics, for a non-Scottish/EU, my odds are actually relatively the same; 78% for Biology (Genetics), and 83% for Ancient History and Latin. The difference is that I have the grades to get an unconditional for AH+L, while I would need to grind very hard this year to get into it for Genetics.
One potential deciding factor would be employability, though. If by virtue of Edinburgh's excellent reputation it doesn't matter what I study so long as I get in, that's quite simple - we just go for AHL. If History is just as useless as anywhere else apart from Law, then I think I'd have to do the grind and get in.
History -> Graduate LLB wouldn't be too bad, though. The good thing about History is that you can use it for pretty much anything non-scientific. The bad thing is trying to predict if the graduate market will be as open to letting me do anything with it.
I honestly am a few marbles short of a pack here right now
give me a poke if I don't give me a poke if I don't You never have to, you know that right? Just take care of yourself pls
Can't even remember what I was going to say now but I needed to go to a lecture. But yeah, what you've described is a lot of why I didn't go to Cardiff
the departments don't seem to talk to each other at all and you've had the extreme end of that. I would say try and stick it out a bit longer though. Once these presentations are out the way there's a chance the course might be a bit better (or at least not group work) and at least genetics and stuff you like! I wouldn't give up on science either whatever you decide- it seems like something you really want and whilst this course clearly isn't the best for a lot of reasons, that doesn't mean they're all the same. If that makes sense? Looking at your edit kind of indicates that to me as well. It's not all that long until christmas, possibly see how things are going in a couple of weeks and then aim for then? Still can't remmeber where I was going with that, will post if it comes back to me
sorry, that was rambley and unhelpful, just thinking aloud and trying to find my train of thought again somewhere (and my sanity ). Hope seeing your psychologist helps, don't go away though! the departments don't seem to talk to each other at all and you've had the extreme end of that. I would say try and stick it out a bit longer though. Once these presentations are out the way there's a chance the course might be a bit better (or at least not group work) and at least genetics and stuff you like! I wouldn't give up on science either whatever you decide- it seems like something you really want and whilst this course clearly isn't the best for a lot of reasons, that doesn't mean they're all the same. If that makes sense? Looking at your edit kind of indicates that to me as well. It's not all that long until christmas, possibly see how things are going in a couple of weeks and then aim for then? Still can't remmeber where I was going with that, will post if it comes back to me
sorry, that was rambley and unhelpful, just thinking aloud and trying to find my train of thought again somewhere (and my sanity ). Hope seeing your psychologist helps, don't go away though!I actually think I might've had my decision made for me (will write in the next post)
You're very much correct in saying Cardiff's departments don't communicate, which is probably how we ended up with 4 presentations simultaneously
They also have a tendency to re-teach things the other lecturer even within the same department (usually Chemistry) all the time too. That said I honestly can't say a bad word about the Biology department, they genuinely are lovely and if I only had them, I wouldn't be thinking of leaving 
I honestly loved your encouragement to stay in science, I think sometimes it takes someone else saying "look how far you went to do this" to actually recognise the waste of going backwards
Your rambling is actually always super helpful, please remember that and don't ever be afraid to keep rambling
Hopefully so, although like I said my decision might've been made for me with a certain opportunity coming up DAY 9
A Dream to Remember
i'm gonna preface this post by freaking the *&%^% out bc AAAAA I MIGHT BE ABLE TO STUDY IN NORWAY NEXT YEAR WHICH IS A DREAM <3 <3 <3
...okay, I'm calm! Let's go through this real quick
So about half a year ago I sent an email to the University of Oslo asking about their Astronomy program on a day I was particularly low, thinking maybe I could go there for PhD or Masters level once I was done with my degree since, back then at least, they didn't ask for a specific degree to start with. I completely forgot about it due in part to not being super serious at the time, just more of a "way to get away" thing. Then they actually responded.
Turns out they now do, but what's interesting is the email I received this morning actively stating that I might be eligible to study there as an undergraduate once this year is done, provided I get sufficiently high grades in my Physics and Maths modules - if I pass the interview, that is
Which does effectively mean I get to go back there with an actual purpose this time! It's been so many years, probably 6 or 7 at this point, but the possibility of living there is so exciting to me! I've spoken with staff from the university and they're willing to support this, but advised that I apply for Physics elsewhere as well so that a transfer would be possible if something doesn't work out.
I think they're willing because so far, my Physics grade during this foundation has consistently been highest ( >90% ), while my others have been in the ~70% mark? Not really sure. But I think it's put into perspective a lot of things surrounding my thoughts about doing Astrophysics and such.
In truth I think there always will be an element of "I'm carrying out Rebekah's dream for her", and in a way I actually wouldn't change that; I'm well aware of what Survivor's Guilt entails, and the bitterly painful part is feeling like you can't change anything. To me I almost feel like carrying this out will be one way of easing that burden...it might not completely eliminate it, but it's one way of making some peace.
But it's not only about her, anymore. My grades have consistently proven I'm more than capable (even if my Math could do with some work), but more importantly, the question "what do I do next", which often stopped me, isn't applicable anymore. The potential of studying in a place I've dreamed of, more than any part of this country ever did, is special.
I did some quick research and discovered that I'm applicable to the following places if I need to transfer instead of go straight there (which is no big deal, just means one more year) :
•
Keele - They only want 64 points...I have about 200 or so... 
Our very own @furryface12 can likely vouch for the place being nice? In any case they do Astrophysics, or double honours Astrophysics and Medicinal Chemistry, which would be a nice way of carrying on my old abilities.
•
Sussex - I can't say I much like the place, but it IS very good for Physics and has significant graduate prospects if for some reason Oslo falls through. Wants two C grades at A Level...I think my 7 A Levels somehow go slightly above that
•
Aberystwyth - Ask for BCC, which is surprisingly higher. On the other hand they have a direct link to Oslo via its international exchange pages, and if not, it's a lovely place with a lot of industry links.
•
Leeds - "Studies in Science" will ask for ABB, which I did get, but the competition is very steep (understandably for a Russell Group, I suppose). Their course is excellent, although judging by a phone call this would be an "ambitious" option to say the absolute least.
•
York - I know absolutely nothing about York, I hear it's nice and fairly quiet though. Interestingly they have no formal requirement but say "We look to see how likely it is that you can cope with the workload of a Foundation Year". I don't think much says "I can cope with a Foundation", than completing a foundation
•
Manchester - Asks for BBC. Good course content and easily one of the best universities in the country - no direct links with Oslo though, but I'm hoping that's mitigated by the uni's prestige internationally. Probably very hard to get into as well.
•
Swansea - CCD, but honestly not a fan of the course content or location. Granted, it is one of the easier ones to get into.
•
Nottingham - Again the course content isn't fantastic, but unlike Swansea, Notts has a significant reputation which could help internationally.
•
Bristol - Doesn't have any Astro or even joint Hons/ "with" degree. On the other hand, it has repute (normal standards are A*AA), so I'm not really sure.
•
Kent - "Astronomy, Space Science and Astrophysics". I mean, can you GET more Astro than that? On the other hand it has no links to Oslo and I'm not overall sure about its reputation (which does seem to matter for international study more than here). They also base it on my foundation results, which could be stressful.
I'm not one to make "snap decisions", but this I think should be considered more of a "you have an opportunity go and follow your stupid freakin' dreams" than "oh sweet this is an option lol bye". Truth be told having something to work towards like that is more motivation than I think anything I would find here.
Now, to pick my Norsk back up...
DAY 9
A Dream to Remember
i'm gonna preface this post by freaking the *&%^% out bc AAAAA I MIGHT BE ABLE TO STUDY IN NORWAY NEXT YEAR WHICH IS A DREAM <3 <3 <3
...okay, I'm calm! Let's go through this real quick
So about half a year ago I sent an email to the University of Oslo asking about their Astronomy program on a day I was particularly low, thinking maybe I could go there for PhD or Masters level once I was done with my degree since, back then at least, they didn't ask for a specific degree to start with. I completely forgot about it due in part to not being super serious at the time, just more of a "way to get away" thing. Then they actually responded.
Turns out they now do, but what's interesting is the email I received this morning actively stating that I might be eligible to study there as an undergraduate once this year is done, provided I get sufficiently high grades in my Physics and Maths modules - if I pass the interview, that is
Which does effectively mean I get to go back there with an actual purpose this time! It's been so many years, probably 6 or 7 at this point, but the possibility of living there is so exciting to me! I've spoken with staff from the university and they're willing to support this, but advised that I apply for Physics elsewhere as well so that a transfer would be possible if something doesn't work out.
I think they're willing because so far, my Physics grade during this foundation has consistently been highest ( >90% ), while my others have been in the ~70% mark? Not really sure. But I think it's put into perspective a lot of things surrounding my thoughts about doing Astrophysics and such.
In truth I think there always will be an element of "I'm carrying out Rebekah's dream for her", and in a way I actually wouldn't change that; I'm well aware of what Survivor's Guilt entails, and the bitterly painful part is feeling like you can't change anything. To me I almost feel like carrying this out will be one way of easing that burden...it might not completely eliminate it, but it's one way of making some peace.
But it's not only about her, anymore. My grades have consistently proven I'm more than capable (even if my Math could do with some work), but more importantly, the question "what do I do next", which often stopped me, isn't applicable anymore. The potential of studying in a place I've dreamed of, more than any part of this country ever did, is special.
I did some quick research and discovered that I'm applicable to the following places if I need to transfer instead of go straight there (which is no big deal, just means one more year) :
•
Keele - They only want 64 points...I have about 200 or so... Our very own @furryface12 can likely vouch for the place being nice? In any case they do Astrophysics, or double honours Astrophysics and Medicinal Chemistry, which would be a nice way of carrying on my old abilities.
•
Sussex - I can't say I much like the place, but it IS very good for Physics and has significant graduate prospects if for some reason Oslo falls through. Wants two C grades at A Level...I think my 7 A Levels somehow go slightly above that
•
Aberystwyth - Ask for BCC, which is surprisingly higher. On the other hand they have a direct link to Oslo via its international exchange pages, and if not, it's a lovely place with a lot of industry links.
•
Leeds - "Studies in Science" will ask for ABB, which I did get, but the competition is very steep (understandably for a Russell Group, I suppose). Their course is excellent, although judging by a phone call this would be an "ambitious" option to say the absolute least.
•
York - I know absolutely nothing about York, I hear it's nice and fairly quiet though. Interestingly they have no formal requirement but say "We look to see how likely it is that you can cope with the workload of a Foundation Year". I don't think much says "I can cope with a Foundation", than completing a foundation
•
Manchester - Asks for BBC. Good course content and easily one of the best universities in the country - no direct links with Oslo though, but I'm hoping that's mitigated by the uni's prestige internationally. Probably very hard to get into as well.
•
Swansea - CCD, but honestly not a fan of the course content or location. Granted, it is one of the easier ones to get into.
•
Nottingham - Again the course content isn't fantastic, but unlike Swansea, Notts has a significant reputation which could help internationally.
•
Bristol - Doesn't have any Astro or even joint Hons/ "with" degree. On the other hand, it has repute (normal standards are A*AA), so I'm not really sure.
•
Kent - "Astronomy, Space Science and Astrophysics". I mean, can you GET more Astro than that? On the other hand it has no links to Oslo and I'm not overall sure about its reputation (which does seem to matter for international study more than here). They also base it on my foundation results, which could be stressful.
I'm not one to make "snap decisions", but this I think should be considered more of a "you have an opportunity go and follow your stupid freakin' dreams" than "oh sweet this is an option lol bye". Truth be told having something to work towards like that is more motivation than I think anything I would find here.
Now, to pick my Norsk back up...
omg
this is awesome 
You got this Sky
For Keele @04MR17 may be able to speak somewhat of it
Sussex
I went to Brighton Uni for my research placement which is right next to Sussex 
I mean it's not bad but can't say it's particularly amazing. Maybe go visit?York is love, York is life
Manchester is ok but idk I've heard a few bad things through some friends there
idk, city isn't much to look at either 
Got a few friends at Kent, they love it. One is on a gap year and will be doing that course next year
the physics/chemistry building isn't the nicest but the rest of the campus more than makes up for it, iirc they're on about revamping that anyway. I walk past it several times a day 
but yeah. Norway sounds amazzinng, glad to have helped a little bit last night too. Still can't for the life of me remmeber what it was I was going to say but yeah! Excited for you this is awesome You got this Sky
For Keele @04MR17 may be able to speak somewhat of it
Sussex
I went to Brighton Uni for my research placement which is right next to Sussex I mean it's not bad but can't say it's particularly amazing. Maybe go visit?York is love, York is life
Manchester is ok but idk I've heard a few bad things through some friends there
idk, city isn't much to look at either Got a few friends at Kent, they love it. One is on a gap year and will be doing that course next year
Thank you!!
Sussex is pretty bad, I've visited the uni before and I hate Brighton
. Keele I think might actually be better for grad prospects anyway, which was the only thing in Sussex's favour to begin with I think I've spoken with him a few times before about it, think he showed me what the building looks like? Honestly I'd just go there if I were more certain it was green and natural, I couldn't really find much about the campus - do they have an observatory or at least anywhere I can make use of my telescope?
York seems fun! Just didn't give very much information about their course. Also they don't do pure Astro, but then again neither does Leeds and that's my first choice
Manchester I have heard is a little dead, I just imagined its international prestige would help making a case for Oslo
Oh, really? Well, do introduce me so I won't not know anyone
I have a friend there who does Politics and wasn't that keen, so honestly was a little hard to make an opinion on it. Ofc if it's semi-reputable, very natural and has a good course content, I'll go basically anywhere 
the physics/chemistry building isn't the nicest but the rest of the campus more than makes up for it, iirc they're on about revamping that anyway. I walk past it several times a day but yeah. Norway sounds amazzinng, glad to have helped a little bit last night too. Still can't for the life of me remmeber what it was I was going to say but yeah! Excited for you I wanted your bias
Like I said, if the campus itself is nice and natural I can certainly make up for a less-than-stellar (did u get the pun ;o ) building! I just want somewhere small, green and calm, I can deal with the rest later You definitely did help, and don't worry I know the feeling? Just appreciate your wisdom I really hate to be the party pooper here...
I'm not so sure about the sentence I've quoted here. Maybe you're not one for making "snap" decisions, per se... but I do feel you are extremely easily (and dare I say, too easily?) swayed from one degree to the next, or one uni to the next. Across your two blogs, you've gone through a multitude of courses and uni options. Each time you've settled on something, something comes along to blow that out of the window and then you're onto the next thing. You get excited and it feels right, but then someone says something or something happens and you go cold on it and jump onto the next thing.
I'm not saying you should stick it out at Cardiff if it's making you unhappy - not at all! But I would hesitate to jump aboard the whole Norway idea and I cannot say wholeheartedly that I think it's the right fit for you or a good idea. I don't feel you know entirely who you are or what you truly want to do, and that various things are looking like more attractive options right now but not necessarily because they are the right options for you. I think you are searching to find your feet and a place where you belong and for happiness. Those things don't necessarily come with or through a degree or a uni.
I'm not sure I'm explaining myself very well here - am not very well atm. And do feel free to disagree with me! But basically, I'd exercise caution before setting your heart on going to Norway to study. Especially a subject that was so close to Rebekah, and that I'm not entirely sure whether you have genuine interest in, outside of the Rebekah connection. Having an aptitude for something doesn't necessarily mean you want to or should study a whole degree in it!
I'm not so sure about the sentence I've quoted here. Maybe you're not one for making "snap" decisions, per se... but I do feel you are extremely easily (and dare I say, too easily?) swayed from one degree to the next, or one uni to the next. Across your two blogs, you've gone through a multitude of courses and uni options. Each time you've settled on something, something comes along to blow that out of the window and then you're onto the next thing. You get excited and it feels right, but then someone says something or something happens and you go cold on it and jump onto the next thing.
I'm not saying you should stick it out at Cardiff if it's making you unhappy - not at all! But I would hesitate to jump aboard the whole Norway idea and I cannot say wholeheartedly that I think it's the right fit for you or a good idea. I don't feel you know entirely who you are or what you truly want to do, and that various things are looking like more attractive options right now but not necessarily because they are the right options for you. I think you are searching to find your feet and a place where you belong and for happiness. Those things don't necessarily come with or through a degree or a uni.
Please, don't feel like a 'party pooper' - I didn't run this or the last blog to have an echo chamber, I value opinions and other views I might've missed or just not thought about.
I have no objections to this, it is true that I go through a lot of different ideas and courses, the sentence I bolded in particular I'm aware of. I just don't really know how to find my feet, where to belong or happy without it being a major factor, I guess? That's probably why I get excited every time a new possibility comes up, because it is a way of escaping the mental deadlock I get into. Somehow, I just can never separate finding a place I belong, or happiness, from being at the right uni or course. I don't exaggerate to say I don't have much more to go on than that.
Apologies for forcing you to write so much under illness
I think you're not entirely wrong, it's just sometimes...quite hard to separate things? Growing up Biology was my thing, especially Medicine (which I admit I'm neither physically nor mentally cut out for). But I watched her and did have interest, just not really to the same extent. I think it might be this university and this frankly awful foundation that's putting me off, because to move anywhere else I would need such a high grade whereas to start Physics now would mean this year doesn't matter (not that I especially encourage slacking, I just don't have faith in their ability to teach me to 65% level). Norway on the other hand was always my desire (an anaemic like her wouldn't last), so I want to look into that at some stage. Maybe for Bio or something.
TL;DR You are right I have the tendency to get excited and switch around to something else, I have such a tendency because it often feels like the only way to break out of a mental loop and Cardiff is draining me of my love for Bio.
Again sorry for making you write so much while ill, I hope you get better soon
[*]Keele - They only want 64 points...I have about 200 or so...
Our very own @furryface12 can likely vouch for the place being nice? In any case they do Astrophysics, or double honours Astrophysics and Medicinal Chemistry, which would be a nice way of carrying on my old abilities. If you don't mind me asking (you've probably already said but I'm new to your fantastic thread and I'm on mobile), what's your career plans?
the physics/chemistry building isn't the nicest but the rest of the campus more than makes up for it, iirc they're on about revamping that anyway. I walk past it several times a day but yeah. Norway sounds amazzinng, glad to have helped a little bit last night too. Still can't for the life of me remmeber what it was I was going to say but yeah! Excited for you If you don't mind me asking (you've probably already said but I'm new to your fantastic thread and I'm on mobile), what's your career plans?
Thank you
I have a very difficult time going to one degree idea and sticking with it hahah, that might be part of the problem. I like Genetics, but this university I'm at currently is pretty bad and draining me of all passion for either Bio or Chem
I think I'd want to go into scientific research, broadly speaking? sorry, that's not helpful
can’t wait for this
I have no objections to this, it is true that I go through a lot of different ideas and courses, the sentence I bolded in particular I'm aware of. I just don't really know how to find my feet, where to belong or happy without it being a major factor, I guess? That's probably why I get excited every time a new possibility comes up, because it is a way of escaping the mental deadlock I get into. Somehow, I just can never separate finding a place I belong, or happiness, from being at the right uni or course. I don't exaggerate to say I don't have much more to go on than that.
Apologies for forcing you to write so much under illness
I think you're not entirely wrong, it's just sometimes...quite hard to separate things? Growing up Biology was my thing, especially Medicine (which I admit I'm neither physically nor mentally cut out for). But I watched her and did have interest, just not really to the same extent. I think it might be this university and this frankly awful foundation that's putting me off, because to move anywhere else I would need such a high grade whereas to start Physics now would mean this year doesn't matter (not that I especially encourage slacking, I just don't have faith in their ability to teach me to 65% level). Norway on the other hand was always my desire (an anaemic like her wouldn't last), so I want to look into that at some stage. Maybe for Bio or something.
TL;DR You are right I have the tendency to get excited and switch around to something else, I have such a tendency because it often feels like the only way to break out of a mental loop and Cardiff is draining me of my love for Bio.
Again sorry for making you write so much while ill, I hope you get better soon
You didn't make me write anything - I wanted to write - so please don't apologise for that. Glad you're not mad at me
It is really hard - especially at your age and your time in life - to separate being genuinely happy from finding the perfect uni/course. So I do really sympathise with that. I just don't want you to feel disappointed or dissatisfied each time you move onto something else. You've been through so many things no one should ever have to go through, and healing won't come from getting the uni/course right in itself. Though those things are obviously conducive to better mental wellbeing and obviously that can form part of the healing process. I just fear you are so easily swayed by the past and by others, that you will never end up truly figuring out what *you* want
I have a very difficult time going to one degree idea and sticking with it hahah, that might be part of the problem. I like Genetics, but this university I'm at currently is pretty bad and draining me of all passion for either Bio or Chem
I think I'd want to go into scientific research, broadly speaking? sorry, that's not helpful
If you want a career path in academia though, that's a different story. You can do whatever takes your fancy and still end up in research.
