Does he still like his ex?

Hi guys,

I really do not know if I am being overly paranoid, or just need someone to tell me that I am being stupid.

So I am dating a guy who is slightly older than myself, and was engaged to his ex. He dated her for three years, however separated from her five years ago, which I am aware is a long time. I have been with him for 18 months, but rarely see him as I live in Exeter for uni, and he works 90 hours a week.

So the reason why I am unsure is because I keep thinking back to past things he has told me, and things I have discovered. I am in a **** place at the moment, so my head is overthinking everything like mad, but have no one to speak to.

So in the initial stage of dating, he said that she had a personality that everyone loved and everyone wanted to be with her. They kept breaking up and getting back together, as she kept getting with another guy with whom she is know engaged to. He said to me once that she probably still wants me and is stuck with that loser, and did not know what to make of this.

On social media, namely twitter, she re tweeted about Justin Beiber and Selena getting back together, but the caption was 'two people separating and getting back together when they have matured is something I can relate to' But something along those lines. This was later removed so perhaps her fiancé said something, but found this rather odd.

In addition to this, I found that he had kept all the old love notes she had wrote to him, and when we were in bed one night she had messaged him from her step fathers Facebook asking how he is etc etc, he opened it in front of me so was not trying to hide it or anything. He did not reply, but surely there must have been previous contact before as you do not message out of the blue 3/4 years later, without some reciprocation prior.

And lastly, he is still in contact with all her family, mainly her step father again. He sees him on a regular basis when he is back from Miami. He said as well when we were initially dating that her brothers were like his own etc. I grew up in care, so have not really had a family or anything, but feel anxious to introduce him to them as I feel my family would never be good enough for him.

I really do not know what to make of all this, and just need some clarification on how I deal with this situation myself, or if I actually need to say anything in fact. But I just feel he probably still wants her deep down, but need some outside insight if based on what I said is true.

Forgot ur story,explain him working 90 hours a week 🧐

Probably not it has been five years. If he were to go back, he'd already do it

How do you feel like your relationship with him is going in general? Other than this, are you feeling happy?

I suppose I am happy with him, I love him to absolute pieces and is my world. Just hardly see him! Major concerns however arose when he forgot my birthday, as he was working. I dont care about my birthday overly, but the ultimate fear of him forgetting me came true.

I can see why you might be concerned about his ex, but as far as I can see, there's been nothing recent to raise concrete concerns.

If you're not happy with spending so much time apart then you should definitely communicate that to him. I question though, why does he have to work so much anyway? It seems like a massive sacrifice, and it doesn't sound like he's particularly poor.

Had you considered that the fact you have more spare time than him gives you more occasion to overthink/worry? Maybe you should get busier, and do more things that matter to you .

Haha yes I certainly agree, he is not exactly short of funds but he enjoys what he does, and suppose he has a lot of financial obligations anyway.

I am just not particularly good at initiating difficult conversations, I suppose it is not difficult, but do not want to sound needy, and he genuinely has a lot of work as it is near Christmas, and would be selfish of me to deprive him of work. I think maybe an hour for lunch would suffice but he would be moody or irritable, and would seem a burden so would rather not bother.

But again, I agree in the sense that being at uni gives me a lot of time, certainly to overthink. It it just hard because I don't want to be with someone who sees me as a mere backup, and does not actually want me.

Wow, when are you planning on seeing him next?
It sounds like you don't see each other much at all and when you do he is 'moody or irritable'. That doesn't sound like much fun .

I really do not know usually if I am around in the evenings and near where he works, I will go in and see him. He drops me home, but just looks so shattered constantly. I am hoping he asks me to see him near Christmas, or on the day but doubt he may...

But it is not fun, I just feel on edge and worried that I am being a burden by him taking time out to drop me back.

Does he make time to call you and message you in between? I'm sorry if this sounds blunt, and obviously I don't know him but if I was in your position, I would see little point in being in a relationship with someone who can't make time for me and is irritable/frazzled when they do.
Besides, you shouldn't feel like a burden to him...

No literally nothing But I see where you are coming from; in fact, a lot of people say I should just go. But I don't think you should just walk away from someone. If part of their job requires them to work long hours so be it. It is just rubbish as he doesn't tell me how he feels in the meantime. Just difficult, he used to a long time ago and hope it is just a tough period work wise. It has been like this for 9 months...

No literally nothing But I see where you are coming from; in fact, a lot of people say I should just go. But I don't think you should just walk away from someone. If part of their job requires them to work long hours so be it. It is just rubbish as he doesn't tell me how he feels in the meantime. Just difficult, he used to a long time ago and hope it is just a tough period work wise. It has been like this for 9 months...

Ugh that sounds like a really *****y situation.

Honestly, if I was in your shoes, I would have made a deal about this a long time ago.

He may want his career to progress want to make a **** load of money or something, but he's sacrificing every other part of his life for that. To me that's illogical. You're in a relationship with him, so you deserve to be treated like a priority by him.

I admire your loyalty, but in this situation i think it is misplaced.

It really is I really hate causing conflict, and dont want him to resent me in any way because I am holding him back. But I wish that would happen, would mean the world.

But I would never want to leave him, I have been cheated on twice, both instances with exes, and he has also and would never want him to think I am leaving him for someone else. So I just want to prove that I am loyal to him, and would stand by him always.

I think you should feel free to raise this concern with him. I also think you should focus on yourself more because it sounds like you are putting too much energy into the relationship, when he isn't at all. (That may be out of his control, but it doesn't change the fact).

You talk about you holding him back but have you ever thought about him holding you back?

Yes I agree, I suppose it is just small gesture he can do, that will make me feel like a priority, so a text/phone call etc. But I think I will bring it up when I next see him, and see where it goes from there.

I'm glad! Try to focus on you more, and let us now how it goes.