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Homesick daughter

Hi. My daughter started at Uni this Sept and has been struggling with homesickness ever since. I just feel so cross with this particular uni (Nott Trent) with their lack of support. My daughter turned down a place at a Russel group Uni because Nott Trent wrote in their literature that "there is always someone on hand to talk to at Nottingham and there will be, every step of the way". Because my daughter has suffered from anxiety in the last, she accepted Nott on the basis of their student welfare claims. Since starting in Sept, she has seen someone once to fill out a form for financial support for support (!) , then someone recently who filled out another form because an error had been made on the first one. She has been told it could take upto 2 months. She has been advised to go onto antidepressants. No further appointments offered.
My daughter is now at the point of leaving uni and transferring to a more local (not particularly good) uni because of her increasing anxiety.
We initially encouraged her not to come home at weekends but now have accepted she needs to in order to cope. Unfortunately it's a 6 hour round trip and I am not sure it is actually helping at all. I am so proud of my girl in that she has thrown herself into uni life but is still finding it incredibly hard.
My heart absolutely breaks each time she goes back in floods of tears. She loves her coursebut is finding it impossible to apply herself because of her anxiety.she could do a similar one at the local uni.
She is getting so distraught about what path to take. I feel also so hideously guilty because she liked Leeds uni more but I think I steered her towards Nott, thinking it would be a more "nurturing environment". ...Feel like I have mucked up her life now!
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated x

Reply 1

Airmed

Has your daughter registered with a local GP? Antidepressants tend to be the first step as waiting lists are usually long, thanks to the crap state of MH services on the NHS.

Has she thought about reapplying through UCAS for Leeds uni, which she preferred?

I think you're right in saying that the 6 hour round trip is not helping. Certainly not in the long run. It might seem like a quick fix now, but it is probably already starting to tire her out, impact her studies, and becoming costly. It's just not sustainable. Encourage her to stick out the semester until Christmas and then reassess her situation.

Reply 2

Vine1

Thank you Airmed. She was told the antidepressants May make her feel worse so I haven't encouraged her to take them because I dread the thought of her suffering side effects when she is on her own. I also felt it was just a "plaster" for v real emotions that should be dealt with...not covered up...At the time I did think she would be seeing someone fairly quickly. They will obviously take 4-6 weeks to take effect so wondering if there is any point now? (I have been on anti depressant for 16 years and have had an awful time coming off them so probably over worry about them! ) . I don't think she could face starting all over again at Leeds now esp as it's further still from home. Another factor is her boyfriend of two years who is still at home. We have said to aim for Christmas and make a decision, . My heart is just breaking for my girl.

Reply 3

Airmed

Original post by Vine1

Hiya,

Yeah, I know the effects of ADs myself, and they certainly aren't pleasant. She could possibly start them, but the only way she is going to be able to see someone therapy wise quickly is if she goes private. Unfortunately, that is how it is. :sad:

Has she made any friends or joined any societies at Notts Trent?

Reply 4

dirtmother

It sounds as though there has been a lot of 'encouraging' your daughter to do or not do various things.... which may of course be as a result of her mental state (ie she is so anxious she doesn't know what to do and has been since well before arrival) or something else. There's also rather a lot of 'ranking' going on which, even if you have not explicitly articulated it, may be communicating itself to her in an unhelpful way.

There's a really big positive in that she enjoys her course (has she discussed her mental health with her personal tutor?)

And you say that the anxiety is something she's suffered with in the past (how was it managed previously?)

So it is not about the university per se, although you feel let down.

You say she has 'thrown herself into university life' - could you give examples of what she has done? What's happening with the anxiety - are there any things it is focused around? Are you in a position to pay for her to see a counsellor or cognitive behaviour therapist? Antidepressants may well kick in sooner than 4-6 weeks and may take the edge off enough for her to benefit from talking therapy longer term which you seem to be suggesting *will* happen in a couple of months.... although I do sort of agree with your reservations I'd want to have a better understanding of what the underlying issues might be given that you say she's suffering from *anxiety*. Depending on whether she is taking medication for anything else, something like St John's Wort might be an over the counter option to try which has fewer side effects.

Can you arrange to go and see her for an hour or two every other weekend rather than her coming home every weekend? That would be less disruptive to building a successful university life but reassure both of you (we've certainly done the six hour round trip in a day ourselves) Or provide whatever support is needed for her boyfriend to visit her - if she can show him her new home, it may put a different perspective on it for her, creating positive memories of being there. It's also important for her to know everything is OK at home (just not as exciting as university) Even small things like regular post (yes, snail mail... postcards, little gifts) can help.

Remember there's a difference between empathy (which she needs in shedloads) and sympathy (which she doesn't) Of course, it is a very useful thing to talk about your anxieties about her situation and how much you feel for her to third parties, which is what you've done here.

Reply 5

samifry

Hi there, the situation you’re daughter is in sounds exactly the same as mine. I too went to a Uni 5 hours away from my home, and my first two months were dreadful. I cried every morning and every evening and was on the phone to my parents 24/7. My uni support was rubbish! I asked them for help with settling in and they basically just suggested “drop out”. Then two make it worse, when I eventually plucked up the courage to stay on my course for till at least Christmas, my tutor literally said “well 3 years is a long time to stick it out” which sent me completely back down again. I went home after 2 weeks for the weekend after I was getting ill and not eating. My parents said to me just to keep going till Christmas, and we will go from there. The first term is always the hardest. Anyway, once I went back to Uni I really put myself out there, made loads of friends and it was the hardest thing ever. Dragging myself out even when I wanted to cry 24/7, but boy did it pay off. After I got into my course a bit more as well I began to settle, and I love it here now. I’ve been home twice this term now, and it’s been enough to get me through. If she loves her course then honestly if I were you, I’d keep pushing for her to stay. Don’t get me wrong I hated my parents at first when they said I had to stick it out till at least this year, all I wanted to do was quit and find a job, but now I’m so glad they kept pushing me to stay, im having the best time here. Here’s a trick that helped for me, I talked to another uni about transferring to their course next year, which was only 45 mins from home. So every time I got homesick I thought to myself “just stick it out this year and then I can transfer nearer to home”. It really was a comfort to me, and now I wouldn’t dream of transferring as I’m settled where I am. I really hope your daughter feels better and sees it through. She will be so proud of her self at the end.

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