*Long paragraph & some language - sorry. I just don't know what to do or where to go, so I came here. Even if no one replies, I feel better for telling people.
I don't feel. I don't feel emotions, I don't feel love, I don't feel me, alive. I just ponder around clueleslly as the days go by until another problem crops up. Even then It doesn't affect me.
I know I love my family but I don't feel it. You just know you do because that's what's expected and what you've done/been told all your life. I say 'I love you' with no meaning behind it, despite it being there, if that makes any sense? It's there but there's a glass wall seperating me and the meaning apart.
I moved 400 miles away from my friends and I didn't feel like anything was happening or that anything was changing. It just kinda flew by and I was okay with that. I didn't feel sad I was leaving anyone behind, although I know that I miss them. I left my whole life behind and I did it without flinching or thinking twice about what's happening.
Life is just flying by and I have no control over it. I'm not phased by it although I should be. At 14 years old I should be feeling all these emotions, I should feel connections with people, I should feel sad about not seeing people again, I should feel angry at people who've screwed me over, I should just feel things and feel human... But I don't, and that's what's stopping me from living.
I sit there behind a screen talking to my friends with a straight, emotionless face. The funniest picture could've been sent and I'd just type "Lmaoo dying" with a straight face. It's as though my personality is online. I'm a completly different person when I type. My true self comes out, the way I talk, act and react.
The only time life feels real is when I'm alone in my head and the thought of death comes along. I'm so scared of death and the though makes me freak. I freak out and start panicking, I start hitting myself uncontrollably and unwillingly, I punch walls and scream. I jump out of bed and run around my room, I kick off. I get breathless. I hate it. That's the only thing that makes me realise life is real, and that it's **** because I'm living like this all day everyday and when thats over, death comes.
I thought music was my escape, and it was - for a while. Now when I put my headphones in and shut my eyes or just stare blankly at a wall, I can't focus. I can't focus on the music. I feel as though someone is always shouting me or ill miss something important. I've done counselling for my depression and anxiety, not realising I feel like this and bringing it up during the sessions to work on it - now it feels too late.
Life is driving by with me in the passenger seat. Help. Please.