Racist, homophobic, bigoted mother...

Hey,

So I have an awful mother and I just need some validation that I'm not crazy for thinking her views aren't appropriate, because she always reduces them down to opinions. And maybe some coping strategies because living at home is driving me mad.

We argue basically everyday because I find her intolerable. I'd move out but I'm on barely 700 pounds a month (TA salary) and can't afford typical rent with my car, contact lenses, phone, petrol, food (I pay £100/month rent at home). I'm hoping to goi back to university in a couple of years to do my doctorate because I did psychology and you can't make a career out of it unless you study more, so will be able to get away again then.

A little about her:
-She turns the tv over if a black, Indian or Eastern European comes on TV. She screams 'knew it' before doing this every Wednesday when a certain news reporter is always on and swears a lot/ makes comments about 'another one being in our country' if they're Indian.
- She was born in India and lived there for 7 years as a child, hates that other people move to the UK but seems to think it's ok for the British to go over to other countries whenever we like.
- She thinks Hitler has the right idea, and he shouldn't have been so hated for having opinions - ignoring the blatant mass genocide that came with these!
- She fully supports Trump, closing borders to Mexicans and the xenophobia towards muslims.
- If she hears someone speaking Polish, Lithuanian etc in a supermarket she audibly huffs so that they hear and has even loudly pronounced they should be out of her country before.
-- Belives being gay is okay but they shouldn't throw it in our faces (so really she believes it isn't ok, if they have to hide away), and gender dysmorphia and sex changes are caused by mental illness and not legitimate problems people have. As a psychology graduate, I couldn't disagree more.
- Belives in the chemical castration of Africans, Chinese and Indians as a means of cpopiltion control.
- Thinks disabled people should be killed at birth.

Believe it or not, I'm actually quite close to her and have always been. But, I'm a very liberal person and could not care less about a persons sex, gender, colour, creed etc, and go from working at a school and embracing everyone's differences and encouraging people to be who they are, to coming home and having everything that should be accepted in the 21st century metaphorically **** on. It's really straining our relationship. I can try and ignore her thoughts and accept our differences, but when she's screaming bloody murder in public because someone in a hijab has walked past her it's hard! I understand it's someone's prerogative to have an opinion, but please can someone tell me that they are with me in believing opinions can be wrong?! She says I'm a bigot; surely the bigot is her?

I just cannot get through to her that her views are not okay. I don't understand how someone like me could have come from someone like her!

Your mother has just as much a right to her opinion and views as you do . We live in a free society with free speech . We used to live a country that was safe to grow up in (1950s-1970s ) but sadly that no longer applies .
As for religious costume .....it has no place in British society as it serves no useful purpose and only serves to alienate people's attitudes.
Don't forget either that the US voted for democratically for Trump so who are we to argue . The man is a legend .

Hey,

So I have an awful mother and I just need some validation that I'm not crazy for thinking her views aren't appropriate, because she always reduces them down to opinions. And maybe some coping strategies because living at home is driving me mad.

We argue basically everyday because I find her intolerable. I'd move out but I'm on barely 700 pounds a month (TA salary) and can't afford typical rent with my car, contact lenses, phone, petrol, food (I pay £100/month rent at home). I'm hoping to goi back to university in a couple of years to do my doctorate because I did psychology and you can't make a career out of it unless you study more, so will be able to get away again then.

A little about her:
-She turns the tv over if a black, Indian or Eastern European comes on TV. She screams 'knew it' before doing this every Wednesday when a certain news reporter is always on and swears a lot/ makes comments about 'another one being in our country' if they're Indian.
- She was born in India and lived there for 7 years as a child, hates that other people move to the UK but seems to think it's ok for the British to go over to other countries whenever we like.
- She thinks Hitler has the right idea, and he shouldn't have been so hated for having opinions - ignoring the blatant mass genocide that came with these!
- She fully supports Trump, closing borders to Mexicans and the xenophobia towards muslims.
- If she hears someone speaking Polish, Lithuanian etc in a supermarket she audibly huffs so that they hear and has even loudly pronounced they should be out of her country before.
-- Belives being gay is okay but they shouldn't throw it in our faces (so really she believes it isn't ok, if they have to hide away), and gender dysmorphia and sex changes are caused by mental illness and not legitimate problems people have. As a psychology graduate, I couldn't disagree more.
- Belives in the chemical castration of Africans, Chinese and Indians as a means of cpopiltion control.
- Thinks disabled people should be killed at birth.

Believe it or not, I'm actually quite close to her and have always been. But, I'm a very liberal person and could not care less about a persons sex, gender, colour, creed etc, and go from working at a school and embracing everyone's differences and encouraging people to be who they are, to coming home and having everything that should be accepted in the 21st century metaphorically **** on. It's really straining our relationship. I can try and ignore her thoughts and accept our differences, but when she's screaming bloody murder in public because someone in a hijab has walked past her it's hard! I understand it's someone's prerogative to have an opinion, but please can someone tell me that they are with me in believing opinions can be wrong?! She says I'm a bigot; surely the bigot is her?

I just cannot get through to her that her views are not okay. I don't understand how someone like me could have come from someone like her!

Your mother has just as much a right to her opinion and views as you do . We live in a free society with free speech . We used to live a country that was safe to grow up in (1950s-1970s ) but sadly that no longer applies .
As for religious costume .....it has no place in British society as it serves no useful purpose and only serves to alienate people's attitudes.
Don't forget either that the US voted for democratically for Trump so who are we to argue . The man is a legend .

To be fair, her expressing her views is not harming the target of her intolerance. Your expressing your views is harming the target of your intolerance, your mother. Hence, you are arguably the bigot in this scenario. It does not change anything that the thing you are bigoted towards is deemed unacceptable by most in liberal society.

Let her spout her views. It makes no difference to you.

Even more ridiculous. Yes, on a legalistic level, racists should have the right to freedom of expression. But to denounce someone as 'bigoted' for legitimately being repulsed by such views is frankly absurd, especially when it concerns OP's mother. It absolutely does make a difference - and a very big one too!

I don’t discuss topical issues like this with my mother for this exact reason, we clash!!

Like it or not she is entitled to express her opinions how she pleases in her own home. It sounds to me like you have grown to the age where living at home with parents becomes strained and unmanageable. My relationship with my parents was never awful, but improved a great deal when I moved out!!

Your best bet is moving out, if that means going back to uni then so be it. What sector of psychology are you interested in pursuing?

To be fair, her expressing her views is not harming the target of her intolerance. Your expressing your views is harming the target of your intolerance, your mother. Hence, you are arguably the bigot in this scenario. It does not change anything that the thing you are bigoted towards is deemed unacceptable by most in liberal society.

Let her spout her views. It makes no difference to you.

You better just hold out and plan for your future before thinking of moving out, your mother clearly has major issues but you are in no position to move out. I find it a bit amusing that you think £100 is rent money, sometimes as children people really don't see the situation clearly and what their parents have to spend to live.

She has the right to her own opinion, as do you. Remember that and try to co-exist.

Let me put it this way, imagine she was someone else's mother, nan or auntie, who spouted such rubbish? What would you do to address her?

I don't think it is okay for her to have such views against Jewish, black, muslim, homosexual or east europeans.

A word of advice is for you to speak with her about it and strongly advise her to change. Not all people will calmly take such rubbish from her. Imagine, she makes a racist comment to a black, Jewish or Muslim person, who retaliates and strongly harms her. She may not live to change her ways.

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That's not what bigotry is im afraid. It's blindly holding views and being unwilling to accept any differently. I can justify my views, explain the way I feel, engage in educational discussions and change my views with sufficient persuasion. She cannot and insults you if you question anything.
The very fact hat I have friends of different races, religions and sexualities means that her 'opinions' are harmful.