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The Signs of a Controlling Relationship
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Original post by Tiger Rag
For me this is fine. I'll let him know for example, roughly when I'll be home and hope he'll do the same. It becomes a problem if he wants to know where I am all the time. Ok, I'll tell him that I'm the cinema with my friends and we're getting some food after. But I wouldn't be too happy if he was texting me every 5 minutes demanding to know where I was and who I was with. That for me is a red flag.
Totally agree, for me it's just about knowing that they're safe plus as I'm no longer much of a drinker I'm usually the sober guardian for friends on nights out (they're delightful drunks, but it's the friends they bring with us that I resent) so those short conversations throughout the night are a blessing.
And as you say, I would only really view it as an issue if you were constantly texting them non stop the whole time about there whereabouts and who they're with.
The first time I realized that the relationship I was in was toxic was when we made me erase all my social media and give him all the passwords to it.
Seriously, a trigger warning? This shouldn't be a safe space.
I have a big scar on my butt from surgery and someone guessed it was cancer, about the only person of two or three who have pointed it out then they got that wrong and started ordering me about basically telling me to shut up. does that not count? Can I put a smile on their face?
I totally agree with the OP. I was in a similar situation for a few months, till I reported the person to the police.
I was in a relationship with a guy for 4 months, until I ended it in April. This guy was a compulsive liar, he would physically hit me, cheated on me more than once, insult everything I do and even how I looked. He sexually abused me and a lot of the times attempted to rape me, until there was a huge incident where he punched me on the breast, stomach and slapped my thigh and bum really hard. He did this continuously as I cried and he had no sympathy nor the decency to stop.
He then accused me of sleeping with over 20 plus men and said how I'm crying because I want to meet the "next guy". All which was untrue.
His friends were also insane because they said how psychological abuse is normal in the relationship.
Now the police is involved and a non-molestation order is put against the guy. I'm so glad, because I realised that if I never said anything, he would have destroyed my life. I'm not even sure if I'll be alive today.
I'm also happy because my ex before this guy reconnected with me and spent hours appologising for letting me go due to his insecurities and really proved that he always loved me, even when we weren't together and I always loved him too.
Now we are growing stronger than ever. Even though the abuser still tries to stalk me and play the victim, I don't give two ****s.
Bottom line is, no one has control over anyone. The only reason why people stay in abuse relationships for such a long time, is because they don't know their rights and how powerful they are. Once you speak up, things get better.
Love yourself and don't be fooled.
I was in a relationship with a guy for 4 months, until I ended it in April. This guy was a compulsive liar, he would physically hit me, cheated on me more than once, insult everything I do and even how I looked. He sexually abused me and a lot of the times attempted to rape me, until there was a huge incident where he punched me on the breast, stomach and slapped my thigh and bum really hard. He did this continuously as I cried and he had no sympathy nor the decency to stop.
He then accused me of sleeping with over 20 plus men and said how I'm crying because I want to meet the "next guy". All which was untrue.
His friends were also insane because they said how psychological abuse is normal in the relationship.
Now the police is involved and a non-molestation order is put against the guy. I'm so glad, because I realised that if I never said anything, he would have destroyed my life. I'm not even sure if I'll be alive today.
I'm also happy because my ex before this guy reconnected with me and spent hours appologising for letting me go due to his insecurities and really proved that he always loved me, even when we weren't together and I always loved him too.
Now we are growing stronger than ever. Even though the abuser still tries to stalk me and play the victim, I don't give two ****s.
Bottom line is, no one has control over anyone. The only reason why people stay in abuse relationships for such a long time, is because they don't know their rights and how powerful they are. Once you speak up, things get better.
Love yourself and don't be fooled.
Original post by Anonymous
x
That sounds like such a horrible situation! I'm pleased to hear that you managed to contact the police about it, and that you've found a stronger and healthier relationship since
Personally i think that some go too far in the OP..
1) Not wanting a girl to go on a night out - While not something i ever stop i can see why many men would not wish their girlfriend to be in a meat market. Indeed this applies to most places in that there's nothing wrong with wanting to keep your girlfriend out of a questionable situation.
2) Telling a girl what clothes/make-up to wear - This is something i flatly refuse to accept is a bad thing. Given the number of women who wear horrid looking things i see nothing wrong with telling a girlfriend to wear item x or y or to use more blusher instead of foundation. Ultimately, we have a preference.
The rest i accept are more or less correct.
Interestingly from my male perspective i have only engaged in the two above however i have had multiple women engage in all the things listed in the OP even if i never felt controlled.
1) Not wanting a girl to go on a night out - While not something i ever stop i can see why many men would not wish their girlfriend to be in a meat market. Indeed this applies to most places in that there's nothing wrong with wanting to keep your girlfriend out of a questionable situation.
2) Telling a girl what clothes/make-up to wear - This is something i flatly refuse to accept is a bad thing. Given the number of women who wear horrid looking things i see nothing wrong with telling a girlfriend to wear item x or y or to use more blusher instead of foundation. Ultimately, we have a preference.
The rest i accept are more or less correct.
Interestingly from my male perspective i have only engaged in the two above however i have had multiple women engage in all the things listed in the OP even if i never felt controlled.
Original post by Rakas21
Personally i think that some go too far in the OP..
1) Not wanting a girl to go on a night out - While not something i ever stop i can see why many men would not wish their girlfriend to be in a meat market. Indeed this applies to most places in that there's nothing wrong with wanting to keep your girlfriend out of a questionable situation.
1) Not wanting a girl to go on a night out - While not something i ever stop i can see why many men would not wish their girlfriend to be in a meat market. Indeed this applies to most places in that there's nothing wrong with wanting to keep your girlfriend out of a questionable situation.
I personally wouldn't be too happy if you told me I couldn't go out. It's not up to you what I do and don't do.
2) Telling a girl what clothes/make-up to wear - This is something i flatly refuse to accept is a bad thing. Given the number of women who wear horrid looking things i see nothing wrong with telling a girlfriend to wear item x or y or to use more blusher instead of foundation. Ultimately, we have a preference.
There's a difference between a preference and telling someone what to wear.
Original post by Tiger Rag
I personally wouldn't be too happy if you told me I couldn't go out. It's not up to you what I do and don't do.
There's a difference between a preference and telling someone what to wear.
There's a difference between a preference and telling someone what to wear.
In both of these cases i think the difference in attitudes here is that i believe most parties must make sacrifice in a relationship to establish the sustainable medium. In the first instance it is simply a price to pay (some men don't want their girlfriend getting drunk or putting themselves in a situation) and in the second, i think that both parties should aspire to please each other in terms of being attractive to the other, ergo it's not unreasonable.
Of course the relationship dynamic is probably important here too. There are plenty of women who enjoy being a little submissive to 'their man'.
Im great .relaxed not jelsoys .and I would love my porn star girlfriend with more love and careing passionate...towards her .because im her perfect porn star ever x
Your my girl now i love u do.
Please because i want to **** veginq
Please because i want to **** veginq
One thing I think OP missed out is: Your partner putting you down all the time or being highly critical of everything you do.
This is something that can easily be overlooked aswell. Sometimes it's just your partners expressing their opinion and their likes/dislikes and because you love them you want to try and alter your habits right? but when it's excessive it's almost like they're training you to behave in way that pleases/benefits them. If they don't let you take pride in something that you've done or let you spend time doing something that you enjoy, if you're having to work hard and go out of your way to please them, I think that should definitely raise some alarm bells.
This is something that can easily be overlooked aswell. Sometimes it's just your partners expressing their opinion and their likes/dislikes and because you love them you want to try and alter your habits right? but when it's excessive it's almost like they're training you to behave in way that pleases/benefits them. If they don't let you take pride in something that you've done or let you spend time doing something that you enjoy, if you're having to work hard and go out of your way to please them, I think that should definitely raise some alarm bells.
Urgh where was this post when I needed it last year?
Good post tho
Good post tho
Wow where was this when I was dying of confusion and misplaced guilt.
I would like to add some points also (obvs this can relate to any kind of relationship but just using"He" because it's easier for me lol :
When you confront him about something and he turns it into your faults
For example; he/she obviously flirting with other women, messaging sexual messages, being active on dating accounts - you confront him about this because as a girlfriend (or boyfriend) you feel like these are things you cannot tolerate when you're exclusive. He turns it on it's head and says, why are you getting so paranoid? Do you not trust me? Stop suffocating me, please give me space - no wonder I do these things, it's your fault. If you weren't like this I wouldn't do this.
When he gives you moments of affection, love and attention but at the cost of undermining, abusing, humiliating, mistreating you.
This took me a long time to realise. All couples have their ups and downs but when your "downs" are enough to make you feel undeserving of love, when it's enough to make you feel like you're a **** girlfriend, nothing you do is enough to make yourself or anyone happy, then please remember these small moments of seemingly priceless affection and hugs and kisses and dates come at a price which could be your sanity.
It could be being treated to dinner and a random kiss here and there after an argument - all the hell you've been through is worth it just to get some affection.
When you they use what you've spoken to them about in confidence against you
When you tell someone your insecurities, the problems you've faced and are facing, how you feel about yourself, perhaps even how you feel about your family and in an argument or even an underhanded comment, he mentions these knowing you spoke to him about it as something that upsets you, it means he does not respect your feelings and your experiences as a human being.
When he tells you everything he's done to help you or to support you and throws it back in your face
I mean people can do this quite often but when it gets to the point he says "I did this for you and that for you so the least you could do is do this for me" etc. Not only does it change the meaning of his actions to something he's done out of love and consideration to something he did to gain leverage over you, it also means that anything you ask from him comes at a price.
When he begins to compare you to other people for things that define you as a person
Why can't you dress like her? You're such a boy sometimes be a little feminine it's embarrassing. Do you see anyone else looking like that? What would people say if they saw you with me and you're acting like that?
Not only do you begin to compromise your being but also end up always changing things of yourself to please someone else who has no problem making you feel like **** about yourself - this comparison thing will never end and thus the changes you make to yourself will also not change until you reach a limit.
When an argument brings up everything you've done in the past
You're human, you're not perfect and you also can grow and change whilst you're in a relationship. So if you do something silly 5 months ago and it gets brought up in an argument over perhaps "flirting" with a guy, know that anything you will do will be used against you as leverage to make you feel inferior in this relationship.
From my experience, the best intense kind of relationship at the start could end up being one where you're wondering why everything you do leads to a fight or why he isn't ever happy with you? what else could you do to change yourself.
You don't have to give up yourself, your morals or values to make someone else happy. The moment you let yourself lose sight of the person you are and who you want to be is the moment someone else can manipulate this and become the essence of your being whether you realise it or not.
I hope you remember that you deserve so much more than what you settled for and take time to heal on your own so you know who you truly are, and not who you made yourself become.
Wish you all luck x
I would like to add some points also (obvs this can relate to any kind of relationship but just using"He" because it's easier for me lol :
When you confront him about something and he turns it into your faults
For example; he/she obviously flirting with other women, messaging sexual messages, being active on dating accounts - you confront him about this because as a girlfriend (or boyfriend) you feel like these are things you cannot tolerate when you're exclusive. He turns it on it's head and says, why are you getting so paranoid? Do you not trust me? Stop suffocating me, please give me space - no wonder I do these things, it's your fault. If you weren't like this I wouldn't do this.
When he gives you moments of affection, love and attention but at the cost of undermining, abusing, humiliating, mistreating you.
This took me a long time to realise. All couples have their ups and downs but when your "downs" are enough to make you feel undeserving of love, when it's enough to make you feel like you're a **** girlfriend, nothing you do is enough to make yourself or anyone happy, then please remember these small moments of seemingly priceless affection and hugs and kisses and dates come at a price which could be your sanity.
It could be being treated to dinner and a random kiss here and there after an argument - all the hell you've been through is worth it just to get some affection.
When you they use what you've spoken to them about in confidence against you
When you tell someone your insecurities, the problems you've faced and are facing, how you feel about yourself, perhaps even how you feel about your family and in an argument or even an underhanded comment, he mentions these knowing you spoke to him about it as something that upsets you, it means he does not respect your feelings and your experiences as a human being.
When he tells you everything he's done to help you or to support you and throws it back in your face
I mean people can do this quite often but when it gets to the point he says "I did this for you and that for you so the least you could do is do this for me" etc. Not only does it change the meaning of his actions to something he's done out of love and consideration to something he did to gain leverage over you, it also means that anything you ask from him comes at a price.
When he begins to compare you to other people for things that define you as a person
Why can't you dress like her? You're such a boy sometimes be a little feminine it's embarrassing. Do you see anyone else looking like that? What would people say if they saw you with me and you're acting like that?
Not only do you begin to compromise your being but also end up always changing things of yourself to please someone else who has no problem making you feel like **** about yourself - this comparison thing will never end and thus the changes you make to yourself will also not change until you reach a limit.
When an argument brings up everything you've done in the past
You're human, you're not perfect and you also can grow and change whilst you're in a relationship. So if you do something silly 5 months ago and it gets brought up in an argument over perhaps "flirting" with a guy, know that anything you will do will be used against you as leverage to make you feel inferior in this relationship.
From my experience, the best intense kind of relationship at the start could end up being one where you're wondering why everything you do leads to a fight or why he isn't ever happy with you? what else could you do to change yourself.
You don't have to give up yourself, your morals or values to make someone else happy. The moment you let yourself lose sight of the person you are and who you want to be is the moment someone else can manipulate this and become the essence of your being whether you realise it or not.
I hope you remember that you deserve so much more than what you settled for and take time to heal on your own so you know who you truly are, and not who you made yourself become.
Wish you all luck x
Original post by Yaboi
Don't want it then don't be in it
jeez
acting like controlling relationships are somehow a bad thing in and of themselves.
jeez
acting like controlling relationships are somehow a bad thing in and of themselves.
If only getting out was so simple.
so how do you get out of one? when they are threatening and psychopaths?
I'm sick of coming on here every time I'm home from uni and asking for advice about my controlling muslim boyfriend I am in second yr now i let him ruin my first yr came out with no mates and now again he's ruining my second year i am going to fail my exams Every time i try to leave him he bangs on my window and annoys my housemates, we have huge arguments when they're in the house, he called me a sl** shouting at me at the bus stop in front of strangers and hurled abuse at me when i was going out for a meal with my dance team, he wants to spend every day with me, he walks me to my lectures and never goes to his, he always wants me to pleasure him sexually,even when he knows i don't want to, he gets angry when i say i don't want to, he doesnt let me drink when he's there, only when I'm home and with family. i can breathe more now I'm here, away from him wanting to look at my phone, he doesn't let me do my uni work, he only wants me to go to sleep when he wants to, he made me put my profile pic on insta as me and him so that guys don't follow me/like my pics, he checks my social media daily but doesn't have accounts himself, he said i need to send him my selfies before i post them, my family don't know I'm with him, his parents don't know about me. he calls me names and in summer he threatened to throw acid in my face. i called the police on him but when they came i turned them away cos i was scared. I told my friends in the summer that id left him but i went back to uni and he was there, following me, not leaving me alone. i don't love him, how do i leave him now when he says he does so much for me, he makes me breakfast and food and helps me do things but doesn't help the fact that he's really abusive
Original post by Anonymous
so how do you get out of one? when they are threatening and psychopaths?
My advice would be similar to what I've said below, I think. If they're threatening you, then contact the police, and give yourself as much distance from them as you can. If you live with them, then go stay with a friend or family, or even find a shelter if there's no other option. Put definitely get in touch with the police if they're being threatening, especially so if they're threatening violence or physical abuse.
Original post by Anonymous
I'm sick of coming on here every time I'm home from uni and asking for advice about my controlling muslim boyfriend I am in second yr now i let him ruin my first yr came out with no mates and now again he's ruining my second year i am going to fail my exams Every time i try to leave him he bangs on my window and annoys my housemates, we have huge arguments when they're in the house, he called me a sl** shouting at me at the bus stop in front of strangers and hurled abuse at me when i was going out for a meal with my dance team, he wants to spend every day with me, he walks me to my lectures and never goes to his, he always wants me to pleasure him sexually,even when he knows i don't want to, he gets angry when i say i don't want to, he doesnt let me drink when he's there, only when I'm home and with family. i can breathe more now I'm here, away from him wanting to look at my phone, he doesn't let me do my uni work, he only wants me to go to sleep when he wants to, he made me put my profile pic on insta as me and him so that guys don't follow me/like my pics, he checks my social media daily but doesn't have accounts himself, he said i need to send him my selfies before i post them, my family don't know I'm with him, his parents don't know about me. he calls me names and in summer he threatened to throw acid in my face. i called the police on him but when they came i turned them away cos i was scared. I told my friends in the summer that id left him but i went back to uni and he was there, following me, not leaving me alone. i don't love him, how do i leave him now when he says he does so much for me, he makes me breakfast and food and helps me do things but doesn't help the fact that he's really abusive
If he's threatening you, call the police again - have a close friend or family member there with you if you can to help support you and stop you from turning the police away again; what he is doing is truly horrific, and the police are definitely the right port of call for dealing with him. Does he live with you? Is there anywhere else you can go if so? Getting distance from him is important too. However much he says he does for you, it doesn't justify his abusive behaviour, so don't let him try and convince you that's a reason to stay with him, because it 100% is not.
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