Is this guy horrendous or am I only viewing it as such?

So....

I started a new bar job last year.

I took an immediate disliking to this guy who seemed a bit of a ****. He was the type who'd point out peoples' insecurities constantly and make a joke about it.

I'm all for banter... but he'd lash people over what they were most insecure about... and girls with their looks etc. I considered changing jobs.

But then a couple months in, he was alright.

I'd thought he was a bit of a bully, but it was actually just a joke and he clearly had insecurities of his own that he was working to overcome.

Anyway, a couple more months and he was not only being OK... he was being REALLY nice. I actually enjoyed working shifts with him because he was so nice to me. And then it dawned on me.. that he had a crush on me.

One time we were working late together and I could literally FEEL his interest, like it was tense, and I felt he was going to make a move.. he's an attractive guy but I had a boyfriend and I go for more serious, together guys so I didn't look at him that way, and I had a feeling he was going to hit on me so I actually left earlier than I should have done.

Anyway... he starts flirting with me incessantly at work. Joke-flirting.

His sister also works for the company and she told me he's never been forward with girls and she'd never seen him behave around anyone like me.

In March I split with my boyfriend of 5 years. It was a bad break-up and I had a really rough time/lost a lot of confidence.

He was really there for me and being really sweet etc and suddenly, I realized that although he wasn't my usual type, I HAD started to like him in a romantic way.

Over the summer, he stepped up his flirting - even once telling me that he was in love with me.

Anyway, he joked to another staff member that if he asked me out, I'd probably say no.

Then suddenly his flirting stopped. Abruptly. He started calling me "pal" and "dude".

I realized I had to show interest or he'd think I wasn't interested (I've done this a lot of times for fear of being too forward and guys I actually liked have given up). I'm terrible at flirting and life is short... so I just basically told him that if he asked me out properly I'd say yes.

Anyway, he turns around and is all: "Oh no, I don't like you like that, I was joking" - he was even pretty insulting.

Needless to say I was fuming. I calmed down and apologized for my anger.

The next day, I was prepared to be the bigger person and be nice, even though I was hurt, but he didn't sweep it under the rug to spare my embarrassment (as I try to with guys that I've rejected).

Instead, he tries to lash me about it and I realised he's trying to set up a dynamic whereby he's now above me and he's going to use this to get over his own insecurities by painting me as some hapless chick that's all over him. No acknowledgement of what he did to lead me on - in fact, complete denial of it.

I try to therefore, be civil for working purposes, and nothing more. We're clearly not going to be friends.

At first, he tries to get me back on board, seeing as I looked upset/pissed off. He cooked me a meal, tried to buy me a couple of free drinks etc (I declined).

Then he became angry that I was no longer his buddy. Instead of giving me time to cool off (as I do with guys that I reject), he told everyone on the team about it.

The worse thing was that instead of being honest about what happened, he said that I "threw myself at him" (there was no throwing or physical touch involved).

Some of the other team members started making banter about it, like: "Why don't you **** her, she's really fit" etc... he could have easily dodged the situation or told them to shut up (again to spare my feelings), but instead of he was like:

"Err, no thanks"

I feel physically sick about the whole situation.

I want answers... but I don't want to ever speak to him again.

Firstly, from an outside (your perspective), could I be overreacting because I got rejected or am I right to be this angry?

Reply 1

gjd800

He sounds like a ********.

Reply 2

username3482522

you are right to be this angry; he's an *******.

(edited 6 years ago)

Reply 3

pizzalover101

no you are not over reacting

Reply 4

3121

Flirt with him, get him in bed, sneak some photos, expose his small penis and that’s the work banter for the next month sorted.

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

Part of me doesn't ever want to speak to him about it... and no doubt if I do, he's just spin it into "this crazy chick who's in love with me messaging me".

But another part hates what he's done and how he's lied to everyone about it and gotten away with it.

But I guess if I tell them: "well I did say that if he asked me out properly I'd say yes" - it's still bad, even though I wouldn't call it "throwing myself" at him.

Plus, if I tell them about the prior flirting, he'll just deny it.

I'd approach the boss, but he's her pet and she loves him (God knows why, he doesn't do a lot of work).

The only option I have to feel better about the situation I guess is to leave but I HATE that.

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

Thanks for replies (didn't get em before I posted first response).

I'd love to see what swear words you wrote but TSR blocked em :smile:

******* *****

He sounds like a c***

Reply 9

steph.demetriou

total dic*head, not worth your time.be as angry with him as you like. make sure you have a word with him and put himself in his place. and if needed tell him to *uck off and get a life.

Reply 10

Anonymous #1

Original post by steph.demetriou

total dic*head, not worth your time.be as angry with him as you like. make sure you have a word with him and put himself in his place. and if needed tell him to *uck off and get a life.

Thanks for the reply. On the one hand I really want to, but on the other I don't wanna give him the attention/ever look at him again. But I'm feeling pathetic for walking away without putting him in his place *thinks*

Reply 11

steph.demetriou

Original post by Anonymous

just don't let him walk all over you

Reply 12

Anonymous #1

Yeah so it wasn't a momentary change of heart the moment he started being nice. He started being nice in October 16 (I joined in August 16) and the incident happened in December 17 so it had been well over a year and he'd actually opened up a lot and been vulnerable with me so I assumed his initial bs was just a front/mask for insecurity. However it has been a MASSIVE lesson in giving people the benefit of the doubt.

Reply 13

Bang Outta Order

nah that's weird...apparently though, there's something he sensed that you dont like him. and it bothered him so he switched. Def not saying it's right, its not and makes him come off like a 100% ****..sounds bipolar actually. If I were you I'd leave..

Reply 14

Anonymous #1

Original post by Bang Outta Order

Hi Bang Outta Order,

Yeah - it's really weird, and many other people think he's weird but he's been at that job for 7 years so he's got a lot of "kudos" there and I don't have the same social support that he's got.

You mean, you think he sensed that I wasn't full into him and that's why he changed his tune?

It wouldn't surprise me. I've seen him in situations where guys (actually, guys who were into me) have lashed him really hard (actually, for not being good with women) and he just sat there looking really depressed - the worst thing was that I comforted him... and to have him do that in return to me, is incredible.

I could even forgive him for that but not for the "err, no thanks" comment that he made in front of everyone. There's just no excuses for that whatsoever. That's just blatant disrespect and trying to lower a girls' status and self-esteem.

Yes, I have left now - partially due to other things and partially due to him and what he did to my reputation.

It's one of the worst things that's happened to me tbh because there were a lot of positive aspects to that job and it's so cruel. But people and life can be cruel.

I will address it, and with him eventually, but ideally I'd like to move fully forward and on - new job and boyfriend... so that when I go back to salvage my rep among the people I got on with, I can do it from a stronger position (if I choose to).