Urgent: Dropping out of Medical School For Boyfriend?

Short story: Boyfriend (6 month relationship) thinks we would both be happier if I came to live with him permanently (dropping out of medical degree and leaving my family), but he has said he would support me no matter whatever my decision is. Now currently trying to logically assess and reason out which option would maximise happiness. We have a particularly unique LDR case which restricts us from seeing each other even whilst nearby (strict racist Asian parents). Advice appreciated :redface:

Facts:

•

Truly in love, echoing sentiments of “neither can live without the other” (according to the both of us, essential condition of whichever option we choose, is that we stay together)

•

1542 miles between us (different universities)

•

6-month-long relationship in total (engaged 3 months in), has always been long distance from the beginning

•

Female (me) is 18 and male is 19 years old

•

Secret relationship (racist parents on my side, no chance of us meeting with their permission, nor even calling easily whilst at home)

•

Degree is 6 years, male unable to cope with long-distance pressure without it being described as emotional torture

•

Cannot see each other during most holidays, even if I’m in the same country, because of my parents (+he lives 200 miles away during non-term-time)

•

Significant financial costs (travel expenses), without my parents knowing, thus it actively is not within the budget I’ve been given, other financial sacrifices are made & quality of life in other areas may be lower

•

Financial cost for parents (6-year degree, £84,000+ costs, shipping me resources, flights), then will have to elope after 6 years either away, even after they have done so much for me

•

Communication is disconnected and distant via phone/texting, especially after just meeting, causes more explosive arguments without being able to help each other heal properly afterwards, more potential emotional scarring without face-to-face contact

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Worst-case scenario - Risk of discovery part-way through degree, will be given ultimatum, him vs parents/degree, then when I choose him I can no longer continue degree either way due to being unable to shoulder financial degree costs without parent’s support

•

If I do drop out, then my own unhappiness initially over feelings of inadequacy, feeling of being a burden (though he wouldn’t think so), limiting my own career & earning potential, giving up my own long-held ambitions, facing the scorn of my friends/family/society for being a “irresponsible college dropout” whilst he continues degree, intellectual pursuits/pride are a significant source of my happiness and this may hamper this by a large degree (though can do another degree I’m less passionate about whilst there, though more personal financial debt)

Thank you for reading such a long post! We are just trying to logically work out what is best for us, with no pressure either way! Young I may be, but my commitment and love for him is immense. His emotional well-being and his happiness is of the utmost importance to me. :h:

Scroll to see replies

Reply 1

rickyrossman

Is the relationship more important than being a doctor? Yes/No.

Please don't make the wrong decision.

Reply 2

TheConfusedMedic

Haven't read the facts but no, don't do it.

Reply 3

CrimsonTyphoon

This must be a troll post. No-one is this stupid, surely?

Reply 4

Ali.xx

Stick with your medical degree, in the long run it will make you happier. Think of all the people you could be helping. Also if he really loves you he will wait and if you continue with your degree it may give you time to figure out what you want, you could talk your parents round or even meet someone else; you are still really young to be getting married. x

(edited 6 years ago)

Reply 5

Maker

If you think the relationship will last longer than your career as a doctor, then drop out.

Although, you sound like you are in the early stage of a relationship so everything feels more intense and immediate. I don' think its a good idea to give up something you have wanted for a long time for something that has last just 6 months and may be over in another 6 months or sooner.

You seem to lack maturity and I think you are making a big mistake if you decide to drop out. If the relationship is so important, one or both of you can seek to transfer your studies closer to each other so you can be together. If you decide to drop out, it will put huge strain on your relationship because you will soon resent your BF for giving up your dream wherever if its his fault or not.

Can you ask the university if you can leave the course for a year and come back the following year to give your relationship a chance, a bit like a gap year.

Reply 6

Dunnig Kruger

Do not drop out of medical school.

You know what you had to go through to get into it. Don't throw all of that away.

Not for some 19 year old. When statistics say you will probably no longer love each other by the time you're 25, regardless of how much you love each other now.

Him suggesting that you drop out now is a huge red flag that he is, in fact, a selfish git. How about him changing his university to one within 50 miles of yours?

When you qualify as a medical practitioner you will pretty much have the pick of any man that you choose.

We are also talking about the future of your children. This will be much better with you having medical qualifications. Don't throw their future away as well as yours.

Reply 7

youreasnack

My advice is NO.
Simply because you're already thinking about how you would regret it because it would limit your career & earning potential. Would you be happy depending entirely on him?
Also you're doing a MEDICAL DEGREE so you've obviously worked hard to get where you are, I really don't think it would be worth throwing all that away...

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

Original post by Maker

I'm trying to keep a calm mind and rationally assessing what will maximise the happiness of us both. Due to my parents not knowing about us and for other reasons, a gap year would be impossible. I am in two minds, which is why I am not rushing in and instead trying to analyse all of our options :smile:

Reply 9

Anonymous #2

No, I think you should stay in medical school and when you finish the degree then go and live with him

Reply 10

UWS

Put your life first, then anyone else.

Reply 11

ukrj

This is the sensible sequence:
1. Finish medical school
2. get married
3. THEN go live with him.

Reply 12

Dunnig Kruger

Yep, lots of sensible advice in this thread. Wish I could give a thumbs up to every response so far.

Going to live with him would be a short term gain at the expense of a huge long term loss.

That's the sort of life philosophy you see every day on the Jeremy Kyle show. His guests are not role models!

(edited 6 years ago)

Reply 13

Claire461

Original post by Anonymous

Facts:

•

Truly in love, echoing sentiments of “neither can live without the other” (according to the both of us, essential condition of whichever option we choose, is that we stay together)

•

1542 miles between us (different universities)

•

6-month-long relationship in total (engaged 3 months in), has always been long distance from the beginning

•

Female (me) is 18 and male is 19 years old

•

Secret relationship (racist parents on my side, no chance of us meeting with their permission, nor even calling easily whilst at home)

•

Degree is 6 years, male unable to cope with long-distance pressure without it being described as emotional torture

•

Cannot see each other during most holidays, even if I’m in the same country, because of my parents (+he lives 200 miles away during non-term-time)

•

Financial cost for parents (6-year degree, £84,000+ costs, shipping me resources, flights), then will have to elope after 6 years either away, even after they have done so much for me

•

Don't do it! Stay at medical school, get yourself a degree, a good job and the world will be at your feet.
If you were that sure of him, you wouldn't be here asking for advice. A career will give you more choices in life and he shouldn't be asking you to forfeit it to be with him.
Believe me, you will only get one chance at life. Think of yourself first, and no one else. If you are happy, then he should be happy for you.

Reply 14

Zarek

Bonkers. Do your degree, take it from there. Or find another bf at uni.

Reply 15

Anonymous #3

No, no, no. Stick with Medical School, then take t from there.

Reply 16

Anonymous #4

No way don't do it. If he cared for you he wouldnt ask you to drop out after all the effort it is to get into med school. Also to have engaged 3 months in without parents knowing is going to kick up some issues in the future.. Kinda immature since you barely know him despite thinking you do as it's online.

Reply 17

sundae

Think of all of the hard work and effort it's taken you to get where you are now. Do you really want to throw that away for a relationship that may not even last?

Reply 18

DrSocSciences

That's not love: it's your boyfriend's selfish neediness. If he really loved you, he'd do anything to support you to fulfil your own potential.

Reply 19

1582

Volunteer Team

You will most likely end up regretting the decision to drop out and may even end up resenting him later on for being the reason you chose to leave. Especially if the two of you don't work out.

(edited 6 years ago)