Poor boyfriend help

So I'm going out with this guy, it's been around 2 years and we get on really well and everything but he's poor.
His family are on benefits and he has a good degree but no job. I feel really bad but at the same time I know getting serious and married to him means I won't be getting the lifestyle I have. shall I go ahead with him

I do love him but don't think he's 'irreplaceable' kinda thing but I do like what I have with him

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Reply 1

Anonymous #1

Original post by Anonymous

Bump

Reply 2

ZombieTheWolf

I would only marry him if he felt irreplaceable.

Reply 3

Irman.g

If he's of good character and motivated, then be patient. He will eventually find a job. Or what is it that he does?

Reply 4

doodle_333

Why doesn't he have a job? I wouldn't be concerned about his family, they might get you a smaller present at christmas but it's not going to have a big effect on your life. But I would be concerned about him not having a job himself, if he's trying and has opportunities I'd stick with him but if he's not very motivated to work I would leave.

Reply 5

ANM775

Original post by Anonymous

tell him your concerns and give him some time to shape up at least...

Reply 6

fallen_acorns

leave him.

Lifestyle is important, and the expectations we have for our lives are very important within our relationships.

If the person you are dating cannot help you to try and fulfill the expectations you have for your life, then they are not suited for, and over time it will fail.

Now, it doesn't mean they have to already be able to match your expectations, but they must have the potential to do so, and you must be confident in their ability.

When my wife met me, I was a poor student and she was a fairly rich (by student standards) international student - I was living on £30 a week, and she had bank accounts given to her by her family to spend on what ever she wanted when she studied abroad, filled with more money then I could get in a good few years. On her birthday and on valentines day, I had to eat just pasta/bread so that I could use that weeks money to buy her presents. But she never worried because she saw my work ethic, and how motivated I was, and she knew in the end I could give her what she wanted.. 5 years later we now own two business and live a pretty good life - we are not there yet, but every single year we have been together we have progressed, earned more and lived a better life then the last.

So you need to ask yourself: will he make my life better year on year.. is he improving year on year.. is he motivated to change and to give me what I want, for me and potentially my future kids. If your heart says no, then cut your losses and go to one of the many guys who will be able to help create a life with you.

Reply 7

claireestelle

Original post by Anonymous

Getting married to someone means you intend to stick it out for not just the good but the bad too, so that means one of you being seriously ill or jobless or worse. If your lifestyle is important to you in that sense then I would be kind to him and end the relationship.

Reply 8

999tigger

Original post by Anonymous

See how it goes. Not worth getting married at this point as you might like him, love him, but dont seem to be in love.

Reply 9

Anonymous #1

Original post by Irman.g

If he's of good character and motivated, then be patient. He will eventually find a job. Or what is it that he does?

engineering

Reply 10

Anonymous #1

Original post by doodle_333

were both Muslims lol, and he is trying but obviously not hard enough. I know he's trying because he's always searching for one has done voluntary experience etc to increase his chances , but he has no inheritance or savings or nothing :/

Reply 11

lizolove

Original post by Anonymous

If he has the motivation to get a job, and he just hasn't got one yet, then that's standard - so many grads struggle to get jobs straight after graduation - you can't base life decisions on his current state of employment. If you feel that a lack of motivation might get in the way of your relationship, that's understandable - if he has no motivation, maybe that's inconsistent with what you want, but you can't base it on his current situation.
At the end of the day, you work through difficulties in a relationship. If everybody left everyone when it got tough, nobody would have a relationship longer than a few years. But at the same time, if you have found yourself asking this question, maybe that is indicative of how much you love him?

Reply 12

Anonymous #1

Original post by fallen_acorns

I know I sound like a cow but I don't think he has what it takes to be a success like you. He's extremely hardworking and definitely has work ethic and is motivated, but I just can't imaging him ever making it far. And he plans to finance his mum and family and give to them for the rest of his life, which is admirable and generous, but means less for him and us. I sound so selfish but I don't really want him to finance anyone else all the time if he's with me

Reply 13

Anonymous #1

Original post by claireestelle

It will break me to end it at the same time. I do like him, a lot. But I hate the i royal stages of looking for a guy, getting to know them and opening up to them and start again by building a relationship. I'm crap at that , 😫😫😫

Reply 14

Anonymous #1

Original post by ANM775

tell him your concerns and give him some time to shape up at least...

I can't, it will hurt his ego

Reply 15

username3482522

No.

Having read all your posts this far, I can confidently say, without a doubt, that you two are simply not meant to be for each other unless you're more than happy to finance this lifestyle you seek by yourself.

(edited 6 years ago)

Reply 16

cheesecakelove

Are you working yourself?

You need to imagine what kind of future the two of you will have. if this is something you can work through, then that's good, but if you think you can't have a happy life together, better to think about ending things. have you talked to your partner about your concerns?

Reply 17

Allie4

Its perfectly fine to feel that way, lets face it a lot of men nowadays won't date and marry a woman who they may potentially have to support forever so likewise it will be a massive dealbreaker to a lot of women too. Has he proposed or talk to you about marriage? Because I strongly urge you to tell him straight that you won't even contemplate marrying him until he gets a job.

Reply 18

Anonymous #2

Original post by Anonymous

I can't, it will hurt his ego

Unfortunately I think it’s over already, especially judging by the fact that you’re questioning your future with him. I was kinda in a similar situation last year, I was dating this amazing guy who has great principles and the mere thought of having his child one day made me cringed, why? Because he did seem ambitious he was 25 and had two jobs he was struggling but yet had no solid plan for the future. All the career ideas he had, he wasn’t making enough steps/ strategy to achieve this. I was literally 3 years younger than him earn more, I felt like I’m always thinking of reinventing my self and he wasn’t like that

So it didn’t work out I because of “creative life differences” . I work hard (and I didn’t come from a wealthy family) so I’m attracted to that. I don’t think you should waste his time (and even if you stay you might have to deal with the annoying mother in law). Good luck!

Reply 19

generallee

Original post by Anonymous

I can't, it will hurt his ego

That is ridiculous.

You are debating whether to stay with a man for the rest of your life, but can't tell him the truth because it will "hurt his ego?"

Don't you think it will "hurt his ego" more if you marry him and are both deeply unhappy, or split up from him because he is getting nowhere in life?

Relationships are based on truth, it is the bedrock of a happy marriage, it is everything. Egos get bruised along the way if we are truthful to each other, but they heal.