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Boyfriend wants to move in but I'm not sure.

Hello,

My boyfriend currently lives in Holland and has lived there for three years, but he takes vacations in England. He has to move out in three months (the friend he lives with wants to sell the house) and so wants to move back to England.

However. He wants to move back in with me or very close to me. We've been dating since December and I really don't feel ready to move in with him. However, I don't want to just leave him all alone. He doesn't have a good relationship with his family and so it is unlikely he can move back in with them.

Over the past month we have been a bit rocky. If I'm honest, we always have been. He has a bit of an anger problem, but he always made me feel safe and made me smile at times so I fell for him.

I don't know how to tell him that I am not ready for this. I have told him before that this is worrying me and I am not sure and he didn't really say anything. It makes him angry when I bring up these topics, he questions me if I really love him and asks why I am so stubborn. I just really feel like if we did move in, I don't know if I'd always be happy. I think this is too soon in a relationship to move in with someone.

Any advice at all is welcomed. Thank you.

Scroll to see replies

"I really don't feel ready to move in with him."
"we have been a bit rocky"
"He doesn't have a good relationship with his family"
"He has a bit of an anger problem"
"It makes him angry when I bring up these topic"
"he questions me if I really love him and asks why I am so stubborn"
"I don't know if I'd always be happy"

Trust your instincts on this. They are telling you that he will make your life hell. Sooner or later he will turn more and more of his anger onto you. His relationship with his family is so bad because he is a nightmare to live with. Over time he will start treating you as badly as he treats his family.
The stresses of him living with you will bring out the worst in his angry and controlling behaviour.

DO NOT BECOME HIS VICTIM. DO NOT LET HIM MOVE IN.
Reply 2
Avatar for badeum
badeum
3
dont do it man
Original post by Anonymous
Hello,

My boyfriend currently lives in Holland and has lived there for three years, but he takes vacations in England. He has to move out in three months (the friend he lives with wants to sell the house) and so wants to move back to England.

However. He wants to move back in with me or very close to me. We've been dating since December and I really don't feel ready to move in with him. However, I don't want to just leave him all alone. He doesn't have a good relationship with his family and so it is unlikely he can move back in with them.

Over the past month we have been a bit rocky. If I'm honest, we always have been. He has a bit of an anger problem, but he always made me feel safe and made me smile at times so I fell for him.

I don't know how to tell him that I am not ready for this. I have told him before that this is worrying me and I am not sure and he didn't really say anything. It makes him angry when I bring up these topics, he questions me if I really love him and asks why I am so stubborn. I just really feel like if we did move in, I don't know if I'd always be happy. I think this is too soon in a relationship to move in with someone.

Any advice at all is welcomed. Thank you.


You seem to think it will be a bad idea. moving in is a big deal , especially if it involves change of living conditions. Dating since December is hardly any time at all.

Just tell him you arent ready for it at this stage as you havent been dating long enough. If he cnat deal with that then he is more interested in his own situation rather than the relationship. It sounds like an accident waiting to happen till you get to know him better and you get some reassurance of it being a good idea based on experience. being under the same roof as someone when it is all going wrong is not nice. You are right to be wary.

Let him get somewhere nearby if you are ok with that. You need to see if he listens to you.
It's not long enough for me. And you don't sound happy.

I wouldn't want to move in with someone whose like the person you described in the OP.
Reply 5
Avatar for Anonymous #1
Anonymous #1
OP
Thank you all for your posts. I do agree with you all.
I know what I want to do but he would be all alone. He doesn't have a good support system. If he doesn't live with me, I don't know where he will go or where to start with anything of this. He doesn't have any qualifications so it wouldn't be easy for him to get a job, and then he will need to secure his own place. All of this is worrying me.
Don't do it!!!!! You will regret it if you do. He sounds rather scary if I'm honest...
"He doesn't have any qualifications so it wouldn't be easy for him to get a job"

The more you tell us about him, the more it's apparent that he would make your life hell if he moved in.

Once he's in it'd be very difficult to shift him out of your life.
Dump him today.
I'd be really scared about your personal safety if he moved in. You would become the Olivia Colman character from the film Tyrannosaur. Or Nicole Kidman from Big Little Lies.
It seems reasonable not to want him to move in - you're not his personal safety net. His friend is selling the flat; he needs to find himself a place to live and if he's moving to a different country, a job too. That would be the case regardless of your relationship. If he really doesn't like living alone, or can't afford to live alone, then he can find a houseshare on a website like easyroommate - that's what most normal people would do in his situation, regardless of whether they were in a relationship or not. Living in a houseshare might be good for him if he hasn't got any kind of support in over in this country - it'll help him meet a few people and maybe get a few new friends.
Reply 9
Avatar for Crys00
Crys00
9
Original post by Anonymous
Thank you all for your posts. I do agree with you all.
I know what I want to do but he would be all alone. He doesn't have a good support system. If he doesn't live with me, I don't know where he will go or where to start with anything of this. He doesn't have any qualifications so it wouldn't be easy for him to get a job, and then he will need to secure his own place. All of this is worrying me.


if he wouldnt be able to get a job how would he be able to live with you? you'd be paying all the rent and he just staying home sleeping and doing nothing?
He is quick tempered but sometimes he can be so lovely. We are both 21 and he is my first boyfriend. He made me feel beautiful and less lonely. In the back of my mind I know what to do, but I don't know how to say it to him. I'm also nervous for another thing. When he came to visit me in February he stayed at my place for a few days. I told him before that I was waiting until marriage, but he kept trying to do it. I cried when he tried to and he promised not to do that again. I love him a lot but I don't want to lose that yet. I know he would do it a lot with his previous girlfriends and it worries me that he will try that again with me. It is like he has two different personalities. One moment he is sweet and loving, but when he gets mad about something he can be quite scary
It would crush him if I dumped him. I couldn't forgive myself too, he always cheers me up when I am feeling down. He knows everything about me and is like my best friend.
I will tell him that I don't think we should move in together, but I don't know how to say without him thinking that I don't love him or care for him
It sounds like his problem is a lack of respect for you - this is the thing you need to talk to him about. You mentioned he has been trying to cross lines which he knows he shouldn't cross, and it sounds like he gets angry when he doesn't get his own way. This kind of thing isn't acceptable in a relationship - either he respects you or it's not a real relationship.

If you tell him that you don't think you should move in together, and he responds by telling you he thinks you don't love him, then that's a blatant attempt at manipulation by turning it around on you and making you feel guilty instead of him, hoping that you'll "cave in" out of guilt, and change your mind. You can't allow this to happen.

Believe it or not, this kind of behaviour happens a lot in relationships - furthermore, once it starts, it usually never stops - it just gets worse. There's a term for it called "gaslighting"; this sounds like it could be the very early stages. If you want your relationship with him to work, then you need to stamp it out and hold your ground, refuse to be emotionally manipulated - particularly on big important issues like this.

At the moment, none of this necessarily makes him any kind of bad person - a lot of this sort of behaviour starts out in a serious lack of emotional maturity; which is understandable in somebody who has a strained relationship with their family - nobody is born perfect, and ideally people get better at relationships as they get older, having made mistakes, doing and saying things which they later realised were wrong and harmful. He needs to learn how to behave in a relationship, and to learn how to respect your wishes. If he really does care about you he'll learn how to grow up, and you can move on from this.
It sounds like you don't want him to move in and he really is only doing it because he is being forced out.

I'd tell him outright, you like him/love him, but you don't want to move that quickly. If he demands any other reason, tough, you don't owe him anything. If it was 3 years on maybe it could be seen as less reasonable, but it's been 3 months and he lives abroad, so there's absolutely no way it would be considered the 'right' thing to do.

If he's moving back, it's his responsibility to find a place to live. Absolute worst case scenario you could offer him a place to stay TEMPORARILY if he is finding a place to stay, but to be honest, he sounds like he may be the 'convenience' type of person and would get comfortable and not continue to find his own place.

Just tell him outright that you think it's too soon - surely he won't take offence, because he wouldn't have moved in if he wasn't being forced out?

Good luck
"I know what to do, but I don't know how to say it to him"

Tell him that there's no way on Earth that he's moving in with you. And then don;t argue with him about it. Make what you say final and not open to discussion.

You have to be strong at this crossroads in your life. If you're weak and give in and let him move in, you will regret it for ever more.
Stay strong, be assertive and trust your instincts.
I called him today and we talked about it. I asked him if he had a CV and he started shouting and said that he could look after his own life. I said I wasn't ready for this, and he said 'you're acting like you don't love me anymore'. Which is not true. Hearing that broke me a little and I gave up the conversation. This was my fault, I should have stuck to the conversation. I feel upset now, it's like all he does now is shout at me, says he loves me and then goes. I will call him tomorrow and say -

I don't think I'm ready for something this big.

I know what he will say though, he will say that I am worrying too much and that I need to calm down. I'll say we haven't been dating that long, and I don't know about how I would feel about us being so close together, and that I need some time before we do that
Original post by Anonymous
I called him today and we talked about it. I asked him if he had a CV and he started shouting and said that he could look after his own life. I said I wasn't ready for this, and he said 'you're acting like you don't love me anymore'. Which is not true. Hearing that broke me a little and I gave up the conversation. This was my fault, I should have stuck to the conversation. I feel upset now, it's like all he does now is shout at me, says he loves me and then goes. I will call him tomorrow and say -

I don't think I'm ready for something this big.

I know what he will say though, he will say that I am worrying too much and that I need to calm down. I'll say we haven't been dating that long, and I don't know about how I would feel about us being so close together, and that I need some time before we do that


That wasn't your fault.

Personally, I'd leave it for a few days before calling him.

What would he do if he lived with you and a few weeks later, you broke up? Where would he go?
I would break up with him. This might be hard to hear but from what you've said, it seems like your relationship could become a very abusive one. Leave before you get caught in the cycle and from your replies, it seems you're already getting caught
Original post by Anonymous
I really don't feel ready to move in with him.


So don't.

Original post by Anonymous
Over the past month we have been a bit rocky. If I'm honest, we always have been.


Bad sign.

Original post by Anonymous
made me smile at times


Not all the time?

Original post by Anonymous
I am not ready for this.


So don't do it.

Original post by Anonymous
It makes him angry when I bring up these topics, he questions me if I really love him and asks why I am so stubborn


Not a healthy relationship.

Original post by Anonymous
I don't know if I'd always be happy. I think this is too soon


So don't do it.

Original post by Anonymous
he would be all alone.


It's not your job sort him out.

Original post by Anonymous
He is quick tempered


Red flag.

Original post by Anonymous
I know what to do, but I don't know how to say it to him.


Tell him straight.

Original post by Anonymous
I told him before that I was waiting until marriage, but he kept trying to do it. I cried when he tried to and he promised not to do that again.


He's a disrespectful jerk.

Original post by Anonymous
it worries me that he will try that again with me. It is like he has two different personalities.


Big red flag.

Original post by Anonymous
when he gets mad about something he can be quite scary


Red flag the size of a small country.

Original post by Anonymous
It would crush him if I dumped him.


After how he's treated you, you shouldn't be concerned about this.

Original post by Anonymous
he started shouting


Warning signs.

Original post by Anonymous
it's like all he does now is shout at me


Really big warning sign.

Reread everything you've said that I've quoted here. If your friend was telling you this, what would you tell her? Would you say it's fine, or would you say that this is a dangerous relationship? You cannot think that this is healthy - no temper, angry at you very quickly, tries to force you into sex until the point that you cry. Save yourself and dump him.
Never say yes to anything until you are 100% sure. Whats the worst that can happen - he will break up with you? So what??

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