Is a kiss forgivable

Check out the School Of Life videos by Alain de Botton on yt, lots of very good philosophical advice on relationships amongst many other things. It may help you, as most people's advice is clouded by their own upbringing and/or prejudice about these things.

Reply 3

Zarek

21

All sounds a bit toxic and perhaps worth drawing a line under. But for me, if conditions are otherwise right, yes a foolish regretted kiss can be foregiveable

Reply 4

Anonymous #2

he wouldn't forgive you for a kiss so don't forgive him

Reply 5

Anonymous #3

Keep him but he’s on thin ice
I would feel exactly the same as you

Reply 6

MarvinNLDK

4

Right, so I was raised Catholic so bear that in mind (I think trg01 has a good point about people being clouded by upringing)

Having said that I think the way young people view relationships today is a bit too romantic and naive. I think there is a tendency to forget that our partners aren't some kind of perfect angles sent from heaven. They are ordinary people who once in a while make some mistakes, for me the point of a relationship is to make both partners better people, not flawless mind you but better. It seems to me that he is genuinely regretful of his actions, and if he loves you he is probably freaking out about this whole thing as much as you. I think you should sit him down make it very clear to him that he should have confessed right away instead of having to be confronted, and that you expect him not to do it again, then draw a line under it and move on with your relationship. Go on some dates, go travel, find a hobby you can share. There isn't a need to specifically tell him that you will end the relationship with him if he does it again. It will only make him more reluctant to tell you if he does. Of course if he does it repeatedly or moves to full on cheating, you might want to consider ending it.

The really successful relationships; the old couples sitting on park-benches holding hands, have been through dozens of setbacks like this, and overcoming them is what makes relationships stronger (at this age they can probably laugh about quite a few of them as well) of course these bad memories should be drowned out by happy ones but that goes without saying.

If you want a healthy long-term relationship there is going to be quite some forgiving yet to come. Just make sure that at heart he is a good man and that in the long term he will give you more happiness than sadness, the rest should work itself out.

That's my 2 cents on the matter.

Reply 7

username3885726

Original post by Everlong92

I'm looking for some advice and guidance after my bf cheated on me . Just now I'm struggling to come to terms with what happened and feel pretty down about it. Sometimes I'm OK and think it was a drunken 'snog' and other times I feel so deeply betrayed

My bf went on a work nightout with two colleagues (35/m) and (46/f). This happened in January a week after my birthday. The female colleague is recently single/divorcee so I found it a bit strange that she would want to hang out with two young guys (one of which is married).

He didn't respond to my texts that night. Which he has a habit of doing on a night out but I ha a horrible feeling something ha happened. I had stayed at my parents out of town to visit my aunt. Next day when I arrive at the flat he told me we needed to talk.

I knew something had happened. It was just whether or not he would have the guts to admit it. He denied. Said he was unhappy and had been for a long time. He pretty much gas lighted me and put the blame on me. Things had been somewhat difficult before the incident (small arguments). I ask if anything had happened with his college he said no

I almost believed him. However he also cried a few times saying he didn't want to lose me, I knew this had to be guilt. That same night my bf went to work (nightshit). My thoughts raced, and next day he came home from work and went to sleep following his shift. Later that evening I decided I had enough of the feeling in my stomach, so I confronted him. He admited they kissed. I went into fight or flight mode and left the flat and gave him back his keys.

2 weeks after the incident I found out It was a short snog that "meant nothing", supposedly. They had all been drinking heavily, went to a strip club ( which I wouldn't condone unless a stag cmon) where he got a a dance, the kiss happened afterward. He also had them back at the flat for a little while. He said that was the plan before originally so stuck with it. I don't think it was a smart move to invite hem back as well.

After confronting my bf about the incident i demanded the woman's number. A bit crazy I know and I'm not proud. I just felt that I could get the truth from her also. She said it was just a stupid kiss that meant nothing, and that nothing else happened. I do believe this as he has never had a Ons and is a pretty terrible liar as it goes. I also messaged my bfs friends wife (didn't mention strip club part as I knew she probably wasn't told that and her husband states the woman left the flat first and then him)

Jeeze as I type this out I realised how incredibly fudged up the situation is. I'm a bit disappointed I felt the need to contact the woman and bfs friends wife but I was so livid I acted high on emotion. I don't believe anything else happened as the entire situation is really out of character. My bf hardly ever goes out and drinks a stupid amount. He's normally quite sensible. I'm not entirely sure why he did it, he said he isn't attracted to her. Though I know she gave him attention and no doubt complimenting ect. Plus the ridiculous amount of alcohol and feelings of unhappiness - though none of this excuses what he did

Ideally I'd like to work through things, I still love and care for him. Some days I'm fine and other days I feel like I've been punched in the gut and the emotions get all too much for me..

He said he is sorry for what happened and I do believe he regrets it. He said he feels ashamed and thinks about it everyday too and that it's hard seeing me cry as he knows he has caused the pain.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated Also, sorry for such the long post! I hope it make sense

A lot of couples do manage to stay together when one cheats but they only really manage to do this with the support of professional help, like couples counselling. In the end, most people break up even when they tried to make it work because cheating gets rid of the trust in a relationship.

You have to ask yourself this question. Can you trust him enough to let him go out again, drinking with his friends? If the answer is no, then in the long-term this relationship is not going to work out because you won't be able to trust him.

Can you leave the cheating behind? If you choose to stay with this guy, you are choosing to forgive the cheating and forget it ever happened. If this is an issue, then this relationship won't be able to survive.

Reply 8

mjackson1987

im not that gd with advice but you could give him a second chance but have sum alone time 1st

Reply 9

OP

Original post by Anonymous

personally, i think if he is willing to kiss what else is he capable of. im also so so sorry- some men are trash xx

I know what you mean, I think that's why my emotions are everywhere thinking what if. Though I believe he is now telling the truth. I've told him i'll never be able to put myself though this again and he is adamant it won't happen again xx

Reply 10

OP

Original post by trg01

Check out the School Of Life videos by Alain de Botton on yt, lots of very good philosophical advice on relationships amongst many other things. It may help you, as most people's advice is clouded by their own upbringing and/or prejudice about these things.

Thank you for advising me of this, I'll definitely check it out! Unfortunately due to the circumstances a few of my friends know - they all thought I should dump him. I don't want to throw everything away. So i get were you're coming from

Reply 11

OP

Original post by Zarek

All sounds a bit toxic and perhaps worth drawing a line under. But for me, if conditions are otherwise right, yes a foolish regretted kiss can be foregiveable

I understand what you mean, I just wish my bf spoke to me about how he felt though he didn't. I feel like we both probably took each other for granted also. I'm still away from the flat and we are working on things. I feel like things have gotten much better. But I still have my bad days and get upset about what happened

Reply 12

OP

Original post by Anonymous

he wouldn't forgive you for a kiss so don't forgive him

Yeah if I'm honest I'm not sure if he would. An ex of his cheated on him for months. So I find it difficult that he's put me through this when he knows how it feels to be on the other side

Reply 13

OP

Original post by matty09

im not that gd with advice but you could give him a second chance but have sum alone time 1st

That's what I'm trying to do just now :smile:

taking some space to figure everything out in my head. I was really hoping it would be easier by now

Reply 14

OP

Original post by Anonymous

Keep him but he’s on thin ice
I would feel exactly the same as you

Thanks for the comment. I hate feeling this emotional it's horrible! He's not a bad guy though, he just made a stupid choice. He's been trying hard to make it up to me and be there so I guess that's good. I think we are both equally invested to make it work

Reply 15

mjackson1987

Original post by Everlong92

That's what I'm trying to do just now :smile:

taking some space to figure everything out in my head. I was really hoping it would be easier by now

some things take time but if things arent rushed then im sure it will pay off in sum way

Reply 16

OP

Original post by MarvinNLDK

Right, so I was raised Catholic so bear that in mind (I think trg01 has a good point about people being clouded by upringing)

Having said that I think the way young people view relationships today is a bit too romantic and naive. I think there is a tendency to forget that our partners aren't some kind of perfect angles sent from heaven. They are ordinary people who once in a while make some mistakes, for me the point of a relationship is to make both partners better people, not flawless mind you but better. It seems to me that he is genuinely regretful of his actions, and if he loves you he is probably freaking out about this whole thing as much as you. I think you should sit him down make it very clear to him that he should have confessed right away instead of having to be confronted, and that you expect him not to do it again, then draw a line under it and move on with your relationship. Go on some dates, go travel, find a hobby you can share. There isn't a need to specifically tell him that you will end the relationship with him if he does it again. It will only make him more reluctant to tell you if he does. Of course if he does it repeatedly or moves to full on cheating, you might want to consider ending it.

The really successful relationships; the old couples sitting on park-benches holding hands, have been through dozens of setbacks like this, and overcoming them is what makes relationships stronger (at this age they can probably laugh about quite a few of them as well) of course these bad memories should be drowned out by happy ones but that goes without saying.

If you want a healthy long-term relationship there is going to be quite some forgiving yet to come. Just make sure that at heart he is a good man and that in the long term he will give you more happiness than sadness, the rest should work itself out.

That's my 2 cents on the matter.

Thank you for your in depth response. You make a number of very valid points that I agree with. Though I don't really view it as a mistake, which I feel implies what happened was an accident, when an active choice was made. However, that could just be me being overly judgmental.

I have only realised I don't think I've added our ages. My bf is 27 and I'm 26 - he has had a number of serious relationships and this is my first (late bloomer I guess) So everything has been new experiences for me with him.. all firsts. So my expectations probably have been too high for him.

Though I think expecting a partner to be faithful in a relationship is pretty standard. I don't think he initially lied to deceive me. He told me he hadn't wrapped round his head what had happened and says he regrets lying about it and not telling me right away

You're right loads of relationships go though there ups and downs - they aren't perfect and neither is life. I'm hoping we can both move on from this. It's still pretty raw for me just now and I just want to be over it already. I'm quite the overthinker so sometimes it's really hard to push it out of my mind. I truly believe that he is a good person that made a bad choice. I've made it clear that I won't put myself though this heartache ever again

Reply 17

OP

Yeah I've thought about couples counselling but haven't broached with my partner. I always thought of it as being reserved for those who are married/have kids. I'm also unsure if I could afford regular sessions.

We are currently working on rebuilding trust and things are pretty good. Though he hasn't really been out with friends much so I guess when that happens that will be quite the test. The last thing I want to do is become some crazy paranoid Gf.

I feel like I could trust him again and have asked him to keep check on the amount of drinking he does. I agree with choosing to forgive but I don't think I can ever forget. If there was a magic pill, I'd take it, trust me. Though I certainly don't want to bring it up repeatedly or anything - I want to move on from it and accept that it happened but is in the past

Appreciate your honesty and advice :smile:

(edited 6 years ago)

Reply 18

OP