How to let him down gently?

Long story short, there's a guy I know from my dancing society and he has asked me out for coffee.

He's a lovely guy and a great dancer, but I don't see him as boyfriend material.

I said yes to meeting up for coffee (before I realised that he meant it as a date) and now I'm not sure how to let him down without ruining the friendship.

Suggestions?

Scroll to see replies

Reply 1

Trinculo

You don't think he's good enough for you. Tell him so. That's what you think, so why sugar coat it?

Reply 2

DrSocSciences

Go for coffee. But be clear in your behaviour that you see your friendship as platonic. Plan a topic that you genuinely want to talk to him about, so that you can keep the chat light and flowing, and take charge of how you say farewell at the end: just brisk and breezy. So just as friends meeting for coffee, not a date.

(edited 5 years ago)

Reply 3

UWS

There's no nice way to put it really. After the coffee, you should tell him that you don't see him in that way and you'd rather stay as friends.

Reply 4

Trinculo

I want to find this guy and tell him not to bother showing up.

Reply 5

Leslie Knope

That's sad but you need to tell him straight up that you don't see him in any other way other than a good friend, but how do you know it's a date? Could be a friendly get together, catch up and talk about the weather?

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

Original post by Trinculo

I want to find this guy and tell him not to bother showing up.

Thanks for the vote of support....

I'm 24 and based on the bachelors degree dates in his LinkedIn profile, he must be about 40.

I'm not being an arrogant or "friendzoning" him, I just don't think that we are a suitable match.

To everyone else, thank you for your replies, I'll try to keep the conversation casual and platonic - hopefully he'll get the message...

Reply 7

Anonymous #2

Ignore all the bitter guys in this thread calling you a horrible person because they've been friendzoned too many times. So you said youll go to coffee with him, make sure you guys are just friends, subtly call him bro and if he does suggest a date just be straight up honest with him: sorry I don't really think of you that way. :smile:

Reply 8

Trinculo

Original post by Anonymous

Ok, so he's too old for you. Tell him that. I don't see the problem.

It's much better to be told "it's not going to happen because you're too old" than a whole long yarn of nonsense.

Reply 9

Duncan2012

Ask him who else is going to be there.

Reply 10

Trinculo

Original post by Anonymous

If women got rejected 1/100th of the amount that men do, there would be a hashtag for it by now. #dontpassmeby or #morethanafriend or some nonsense.

What this boils down to is that this dude isn't being given a chance. He's been judged without ever having any kind of socialising. Yet apparently he's a great guy - but he's not for me.

This is what's wrong. Not that people get friendzoned - that's an inevitability. It's that there are no chances given. Dude asks a girl out for coffee and the first thought is "how do I reject him?" There's no thought as to getting to know him, wanting to have some kind of socialisation. No - it's already decided.

Reply 11

Joanna_Plater

Just because he asked to see you doesn't mean your going on a date. Besides even if it was a date, hes only trying to get to know you. If you want there to be boundaries then state them.

Reply 12

Anonymous #1

Original post by Trinculo

Woah, woah, woah! "no thought as to getting to know him, wanting to have some kind of socialisation"!??!?!?

I've known this guy for over a year, dance with him regularly and had multiple, long conversations!!!

The reason I didn't realise to begin with that he was asking me out on a date is that we are good friends.

I am not dismissing him without thought, but I know that, whilst I like him as a friend, I'm not attracted to him and I am well within my rights not to be!

Reply 13

ajayisa13

Original post by DrSocSciences

Don’t do that. You’re wasting his time and money. Man up and tell him the truth .. you don’t feel he is good enough for you

Reply 14

Hirsty97

Do what you want. Don't even go on the date with him then just message him. If he's 40 I'm sure he can handle it

Reply 15

Anonymous #1

Original post by ajayisa13

Don’t do that. You’re wasting his time and money. Man up and tell him the truth .. you don’t feel he is good enough for you

Great, and how would that conversation go? “Hello XXX, I know we’ve been friends for ages and I love dancing with you, but I am soooo superior to you that I couldn’t bear to date you. See you on Thursday for dancing!”

In addition to which, how am I wasting his money? I am perfectly capable of paying my way on ****ing coffee date!

Reply 16

ajayisa13

Original post by Anonymous

Yh say that but don’t forget to add “I’m only treating you this way because I’m trash just like 98% of women on earth”

Reply 17

Anonymous #1

Original post by ajayisa13

Yh say that but don’t forget to add “I’m only treating you this way because I’m trash just like 98% of women on earth”

Ah, so you are simply bitter on account of personal rejection and want to tar everyone with the same brush, without being remotely sensitive to individual circumstances - that explains it....

Reply 18

Anonymous #3

Tell him it's due to age differnces. I dont blame you. It's a pretty big age gap. Or hint there's someone you like at work or soemthing along that line and it'll put him off.

Reply 19

ajayisa13

Original post by Anonymous

Ah, so you are simply bitter on account of personal rejection and want to tar everyone with the same brush, without being remotely sensitive to individual circumstances - that explains it....