Trying to help a friend?
So basically my friend is 17 and she's dating/sleeping with this guy who is 26. He's in a band who tours around the world but when they have time off or anything they always meet up. He calls her every day and they message all the time. She's happy with him and he's really respectful and nice to her and they get on really well I just feel like it's wrong. I'm tempted to tell her mother because I feel like something can't be right here. Any advice I can pass onto her? She's super sweet and kind and I don't want her getting hurt.
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Also they've been talking/friends for like 2 years or so but they only started to get physical/ sexual in February this year.
Why is it wrong? And what business is it of yours who she's dating or how she lives her life?
From everything you've described, it seems like two people who are rather happy with each other - it sounds like a perfectly healthy relationship, so if you really are her friend, leave this situation alone and be thankful that she's happy.
From everything you've described, it seems like two people who are rather happy with each other - it sounds like a perfectly healthy relationship, so if you really are her friend, leave this situation alone and be thankful that she's happy.
(edited 5 years ago)
I can understand how you feel concerned. I am a 27 year-old female and would find the thought of dating a 17 year-old boy very bizarre; though maybe it's different for guys.
Have you met him/seen evidence for yourself that he is respectful or is this just going off what your friend has told you? If he calls her every day then maybe that is a sign he does care about her, but who can be sure.
Have you already spoken to your friend about it? It's possible that she will not listen; if she is really into this guy and doesn't see the situation for what it is. Her mother will also surely talk to her, but who's to say she will stop seeing him?
You can also tell your friend that you are concerned about the age gap.
It's up to you really. If you do tell her mother, do you think this will damage your friendship? Again, there is a risk that she will not stop seeing this guy for anybody, and that you'll only have to be there to pick up the pieces if it does not work between them, or if she gets hurt.
I hope you are able to find a solution
Have you met him/seen evidence for yourself that he is respectful or is this just going off what your friend has told you? If he calls her every day then maybe that is a sign he does care about her, but who can be sure.
Have you already spoken to your friend about it? It's possible that she will not listen; if she is really into this guy and doesn't see the situation for what it is. Her mother will also surely talk to her, but who's to say she will stop seeing him?
You can also tell your friend that you are concerned about the age gap.
It's up to you really. If you do tell her mother, do you think this will damage your friendship? Again, there is a risk that she will not stop seeing this guy for anybody, and that you'll only have to be there to pick up the pieces if it does not work between them, or if she gets hurt.
I hope you are able to find a solution
(edited 5 years ago)
Original post by daydream28
I can understand how you feel concerned. I am a 27 year-old female and would find the thought of dating a 17 year-old boy very bizarre; though maybe it's different for guys.
Have you met him/seen evidence for yourself that he is respectful or is this just going off what your friend has told you? If he calls her every day then maybe that is a sign he does care about her, but who can be sure.
Have you already spoken to your friend about it? It's possible that she will not listen; if she is really into this guy and doesn't see the situation for what it is. Her mother will also surely talk to her, but who's to say she will stop seeing him?
You can also tell your friend that you are concerned about the age gap.
It's up to you really. If you do tell her mother, do you think this will damage your friendship? Again, there is a risk that she will not stop seeing this guy for anybody, and that you'll only have to be there to pick up the pieces if it does not work between them, or if she gets hurt.
I hope you are able to find a solution
Have you met him/seen evidence for yourself that he is respectful or is this just going off what your friend has told you? If he calls her every day then maybe that is a sign he does care about her, but who can be sure.
Have you already spoken to your friend about it? It's possible that she will not listen; if she is really into this guy and doesn't see the situation for what it is. Her mother will also surely talk to her, but who's to say she will stop seeing him?
You can also tell your friend that you are concerned about the age gap.
It's up to you really. If you do tell her mother, do you think this will damage your friendship? Again, there is a risk that she will not stop seeing this guy for anybody, and that you'll only have to be there to pick up the pieces if it does not work between them, or if she gets hurt.
I hope you are able to find a solution
I haven't met him since she says that she's trying to take things slowly with him and doesn't want to introduce him to her friends until she's 18 or something. I've seen their messages and I've been in the room when they've been on the phone, she usually just puts him on speaker and we all have some pretty funny conversations. I know guys mature slower than girls but I still find it kind of odd. I feel like if he wanted to he could easily take advantage of her because he's so 'nice'.
I've spoken to her about it before when they had a little bit of an argument and she understood where I was coming from even though she seemed a bit apprehensive going into the relationship in the first place because of the age gap. I know telling her mother will impact her friendship but I think she would appreciate me caring about it. Her mum knows that she talks to him but she doesn't know about the relationship so I'm not sure how she would react to it since from what i've seen her mum tries to shield her a lot and treats her more like she's 12.
I'm just worried about the situation I suppose? She does usually take on board when people give her advice and doesn't take it in a bad way which is nice. I'm glad she's happy but she seems a bit weird about the situation herself and I'd rather get her out of a possibly bad situation before anything does go wrong.
Original post by winterscoming
Why is it wrong? And what business is it of yours who she's dating or how she lives her life?
From everything you've described, it seems like two people who are rather happy with each other - it sounds like a perfectly healthy relationship, so if you really are her friend, leave this situation alone and be thankful that she's happy.
From everything you've described, it seems like two people who are rather happy with each other - it sounds like a perfectly healthy relationship, so if you really are her friend, leave this situation alone and be thankful that she's happy.
The age gap is almost 10 years, wouldn't you be a little bit concerned? She's my friend and I don't want her to get hurt or used.
Original post by Anonymous
The age gap is almost 10 years, wouldn't you be a little bit concerned? She's my friend and I don't want her to get hurt or used.
Based solely on age, no not really - I have a few good friends in happy, successful relationships involving those kinds of age gaps. Is it slightly unusual? Of course! But as for being a cause to assume she might end up getting hurt or used, would it really be any different if this same guy happened to be 17-18, knowing that guys her own age usually aren't interested in forming serious attachments?
In my opinion, it's somebody's actions and behaviour which really matter. You can never be 100% certain whether someone is genuine, but if there are any signs that the guy might be playing her or then it's more likely to be apparent through the way he treats her or talks to her - for example, if he's flaky and consistently letting her down, disappearing for days at a time, always finding excuses for things, being manipulative by playing emotional/mindgames, then those are certainly things to be worried about, so if you're aware of that kind of thing then it's a whole other story, but if as you say, he's being respectful toward her, keeping in contact, and they're happy together then I don't think there's really much that seems wrong.
It's good that you're looking out for your friends, but based on the things you've said it sounds to me like you might be making a snap judgement, particularly if you haven't met him yet - I don't think anyone can really make any sound judgement of someone else's character without at least meeting them and making some effort to get to know them first
And lastly on a slightly more realistic note, even the best relationships don't always last forever and people break up. Unless she's really lucky, she's most likely going to end up getting hurt at one point - whether it's by him or someone else, and the best thing you can do as a friend is be around when that happens. The only way she's going to avoid that is by being alone forever, which I'm sure you wouldn't want for any of your friends.
(edited 5 years ago)
He’s not hurting her so why do you think it’s wrong?
Just let her be in love, and be happy for her.
Just let her be in love, and be happy for her.
(edited 5 years ago)
Original post by winterscoming
Based solely on age, no not really - I have a few good friends in happy, successful relationships involving those kinds of age gaps. Is it slightly unusual? Of course! But as for being a cause to assume she might end up getting hurt or used, would it really be any different if this same guy happened to be 17-18, knowing that guys her own age usually aren't interested in forming serious attachments?
In my opinion, it's somebody's actions and behaviour which really matter. You can never be 100% certain whether someone is genuine, but if there are any signs that the guy might be playing her or then it's more likely to be apparent through the way he treats her or talks to her - for example, if he's flaky and consistently letting her down, disappearing for days at a time, always finding excuses for things, being manipulative by playing emotional/mindgames, then those are certainly things to be worried about, so if you're aware of that kind of thing then it's a whole other story, but if as you say, he's being respectful toward her, keeping in contact, and they're happy together then I don't think there's really much that seems wrong.
It's good that you're looking out for your friends, but based on the things you've said it sounds to me like you might be making a snap judgement, particularly if you haven't met him yet - I don't think anyone can really make any sound judgement of someone else's character without at least meeting them and making some effort to get to know them first
And lastly on a slightly more realistic note, even the best relationships don't always last forever and people break up. Unless she's really lucky, she's most likely going to end up getting hurt at one point - whether it's by him or someone else, and the best thing you can do as a friend is be around when that happens. The only way she's going to avoid that is by being alone forever, which I'm sure you wouldn't want for any of your friends.
In my opinion, it's somebody's actions and behaviour which really matter. You can never be 100% certain whether someone is genuine, but if there are any signs that the guy might be playing her or then it's more likely to be apparent through the way he treats her or talks to her - for example, if he's flaky and consistently letting her down, disappearing for days at a time, always finding excuses for things, being manipulative by playing emotional/mindgames, then those are certainly things to be worried about, so if you're aware of that kind of thing then it's a whole other story, but if as you say, he's being respectful toward her, keeping in contact, and they're happy together then I don't think there's really much that seems wrong.
It's good that you're looking out for your friends, but based on the things you've said it sounds to me like you might be making a snap judgement, particularly if you haven't met him yet - I don't think anyone can really make any sound judgement of someone else's character without at least meeting them and making some effort to get to know them first
And lastly on a slightly more realistic note, even the best relationships don't always last forever and people break up. Unless she's really lucky, she's most likely going to end up getting hurt at one point - whether it's by him or someone else, and the best thing you can do as a friend is be around when that happens. The only way she's going to avoid that is by being alone forever, which I'm sure you wouldn't want for any of your friends.
She told me that she doesn't want to introduce him in person to her friends until she's 18 because then she is legally an adult and she can make all her own decisions. I've seen some messages and I've been in the room when she's been on the phone to him and he's been on speaker. I don't know about us hanging with them while they're together since he's travelling around all the time and is based abroad anyway, so when he comes to see her he wants to spend time +with her. They've talked about us all going on holiday together but I'm not sure if they were being serious or not, I know they go away for weekends though when he's free but she doesn't seem keen on the idea of us meeting him at this point. They've argued quite a bit too but one argument kind of stood out to me. She has this friend who she's hooked up with a couple of times in the past but nothing serious, and her boyfriend doesn't like it at all when she hangs out with this guy or even talks to him. Could this be a cause for alarm?
Original post by Abcdefghijk123
He’s not hurting her so why do you think it’s wrong?
Just let her be in love, and be happy for her.
Just let her be in love, and be happy for her.
Because I just find it strange. He's so much older so why would he go for her instead of someone closer to his age?
Original post by Anonymous
Because I just find it strange. He's so much older so why would he go for her instead of someone closer to his age?
If he isnt hurting her, it doesn't actually matter if you find it strange or not tbh
(edited 5 years ago)
Original post by Anonymous
Because I just find it strange. He's so much older so why would he go for her instead of someone closer to his age?
Those age gaps are more common than you think. Guys tend to mature more slowly than girls, and girls often want older guys. If she was under 16, I would understand your concern. Just be there for her; if for what ever reason it turns nasty, she’ll know she can rely on you. Telling her mum now will just make her resent you.
Original post by Jack22031994
If he isnt hurting her, it doesn't actually matter if you find it strange or not tbh
True I just feel like in that position he could more easily take advantage of her. I don't really understand why a guy who is 26 would go for someone almost 10 years younger than him unless he wanted something.
Is your friend mature? Like, older than her age mentally? Is she responsible? I think if your friend has these qualities it's okay.
I wouldn't tell her mother though, because she told you a secret that's supposed to be confidential.
I wouldn't tell her mother though, because she told you a secret that's supposed to be confidential.
Original post by Abcdefghijk123
Those age gaps are more common than you think. Guys tend to mature more slowly than girls, and girls often want older guys. If she was under 16, I would understand your concern. Just be there for her; if for what ever reason it turns nasty, she’ll know she can rely on you. Telling her mum now will just make her resent you.
I suppose so. They were friends before she was 16 though which is kind of weird if this has always been on his mind
Original post by Anonymous
The age gap is almost 10 years, wouldn't you be a little bit concerned? She's my friend and I don't want her to get hurt or used.
I would feel the same way if I was you! The age gap isn’t weird when both people are adults but I feel like when you’re a teenager and seeing someone much older it can be a worry sometimes.
Original post by Anonymous
Is your friend mature? Like, older than her age mentally? Is she responsible? I think if your friend has these qualities it's okay.
I wouldn't tell her mother though, because she told you a secret that's supposed to be confidential.
I wouldn't tell her mother though, because she told you a secret that's supposed to be confidential.
She seems pretty mature. She isn't really one for parties or anything and she doesn't drink. She's pretty responsible too I think but I don't really think she can be at his level given the age gap.
She has confided in me but I don't think she would tell her mum if left to it and she can't keep it a secret forever.
Original post by agrew
Perhaps they are on the same level of development, so the age doesn't matter for them.
I can't really believe that. Not with almost 10 years. That's a long time. If they're on the same level of development there is something very wrong there.
Original post by Anonymous
I suppose so. They were friends before she was 16 though which is kind of weird if this has always been on his mind
I know what you’re getting at, but as long as they weren’t sexual before she was 16, it’s fine.
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