addicted to stalking my ex

I feel embarrased and slightly ashamed asking this really. I was in a relationship with a girl for well over two years, and we broke up June 22 (she left me for somebody else).

I developed a huge obsession with her new boyfriend (the one she cheated on me with). I kept stalking his youtube channel, facebook, twitter, blog. I was absolutely obsessed with who he was, what he was like. I also keep stalking her, my ex, and her family, keeping tabs on what they're up to and all that.

This sounds so creepy when I say it but actually a lot of it is out of genuine curiosity. There is nothing malicious. I wouldnt hurt them because thats not what Im interested in. Alot of it is shock; I am still in shock from finding out that I was cheated on. I have not stalked either of their accounts for a few days. This is pretty big for me considering I was stalking them daily throughout july and august. Ive only stopped because this is from me forcing myself not to. The temptation just seems to be getting worse and worse. Ive got to the point where Im scared of myself- Do I actually have an addiction, in terms of the clinical sense, and what if I never lose the temptation to stalk them both, or atleast dont lose it for a really long time? What if Im going to be thinking about them for ages and ages? Its like they are in control of my life.

By the way, I have not contacted either of them and they havent to me. I mean nothing to any of them, Ive just become somebody they knew at one point and now dont.

I feel broken and pathetic. Please no judgements. Just really need help before this gets to the point of actual stalking, as in following them, things like that.

To me it looks like you are already stalking them, just leave them be. Would you be happy if your ex did this to you?

Hey, I was in a similar situation two years ago. My ex got a new girlfriend, we were still talking as friends (known each other for around 7 years) and I became obsessed. Constantly stalking both of them on anything, instagram, Spotify, Facebook etc. In the end we stopped talking but I still stalked him for a little bit. It was difficult but the only thing you can really do is block them on everything. It’s hard at first but I’m the long run you’ll feel so much better. Two years later and I hardly think of them.

Hey, I was in a similar situation two years ago. My ex got a new girlfriend, we were still talking as friends (known each other for around 7 years) and I became obsessed. Constantly stalking both of them on anything, instagram, Spotify, Facebook etc. In the end we stopped talking but I still stalked him for a little bit. It was difficult but the only thing you can really do is block them on everything. It’s hard at first but I’m the long run you’ll feel so much better. Two years later and I hardly think of them.

"I was absolutely obsessed with who he was, what he was like. I also keep stalking her, my ex, and her family, keeping tabs on what they're up to and all that." then later you say; "There is nothing malicious. I wouldnt hurt them because thats not what Im interested in. Alot of it is shock; I am still in shock from finding out that I was cheated on."

Makes sense actually, you got blindsided and betrayed. I feel like it would be fair to say you don't want this to happen again? Hm? Given the information you seem to have on the situation, you don't actually have any information you can extract a useful strategy from.

Evolutionary psychology developed "jealousy" specifically to describe the feeling that compels people to protect their reproductive options. You, in this case, obviously did not have a useful strategy. It would be great to find one, but if you don't know why she cheated in any great detail, you can't make sure it never happens again.

I think that perhaps you think that looking at what this guy has that you don't will help you to see how you can improve yourself to even the gap. Something that clicks into place and explains everything clinically. Bam! "That's it, he's really rich and can afford to take her to nicer places.", or "Of course she cheated, he's 6'7", plays bass (the coolest instrument) and looks like that celebrity she has a crush on." it's nothing personal.

In the psychodynamic tradition, we might describe this line of thought as "over-intellectualisation". You can avoid feeling hurt by looking at it like a rational algebra question. "If I have A, but GF has B and other guy has C, calculate the value of C" - makes it sound like something to be solved and not a soul-crushing act of disrespect, doesn't it?

"Its like they are in control of my life." - Yes, in some sense they are, but you're using them as a device to obscure your personal growth. To overcome it, you'll have to really face the emotional reality of her betrayal. That is far more frightening than thinking that there is a nice neat answer somewhere on her facebook page. But there is no answer, and so you keep digging more desperately looking for some illusory panacea.

"What if Im going to be thinking about them for ages and ages?" - You'll think about them as long as it takes you to face the horrific truth that you may never make sense of why this happened. There is no poetic vindication or "closure" with which to tie up the loose ends. It's not your fault, it's not because your ex's BF has a quantifiable advantage in the dating game. It's because you did everything you could, and it turns out that either life, or your ex, is a *****, but probably both. This is upsetting, allow yourself to be upset.

I think you've also denied (conciously or unconciously) the possibility that your ex-gf could be at fault. Hence the focus on the new BF as opposed to (understandably) hating her for what she did to you, and she did choose to do that to you. This is a nice thing to think for you, because if you take her agency out of the equation, it means she did not at some point decide that she would cheat on you. She didn't think; "ah I have a BF, but I want to **** this guy so much I don't care about him." - or some variation which is what she would have to have thought before making the decision to cheat. It's fair that you don't want to blame her if you felt very close to her at one point, but it doesn't make her a better person because she is evidently a person who cheats.

Reflect on your emotions without dissecting them with logic. If you are brave enough, this is the way to absorb the event into your personal history. It won't be a puzzle in the way of your life, it will be a puzzle piece that adds to you and lets you integrate other, happier things.

Or you could drink a lot, idk do whatever I don't care.

Wow, thank you, I wasn't expected such a profound and well though answer. Clearly you know a lot more about psychology than I do.

When you said about denial, yeah I think I have denied her wrong come to think of it. Maybe thats why Im obsessed with her new boyfriend so much. I feel so s*it about myself Im looking at him to see how he did any better, maybe he has a part in him that Im missing.

When you blocked them, what happened? Did you just stop yourself from unblocking them by willpower and eventually they faded from your mind? Because I have blocked them a few days ago and havent looked since, and its like they are even bigger in my mind.

Spotify geeeez !