How to deal with my dad

When I was younger my dad was an alcoholic and a horrible person, he would be verbally (and sometimes physically) abusive to me and I grew up being terrified of him. The last couple of years he got a lot better, he stopped drinking and stopped being abusive although I was still scared of him because I know that his mood can switch in less than a second. But now my dad is drinking again , nearly every night he has a bottle of wine and a couple of beers and he tries to hide it from my mum too. He is also an extremely hateful person who is always spreading round his racist/ homophobic/ transphobic views which really gets to me because I believe in equality and want everyone to be accepted. I don’t know how to live with a man like this as I can’t say anything to oppose his views and start an argument and I can’t sit there and listen to them, but I also don’t have the money to move out and I really don’t want to leave my mum because she is lovely and I would feel too bad. Can anyone help?

How old are you?

Your mum has (or had) a duty of care towards you, you have no such duty towards her. As soon as you're able to get out of the house you're in, do it.

I am 20. I know I don’t have a “duty” for my mum but she is the most loving person I’ve ever known and I don’t want to leave her with my dad alone, not yet anyway. I also love being around her every day and so it would be hard to just leave ..

How old are you?

Your mum has (or had) a duty of care towards you, you have no such duty towards her. As soon as you're able to get out of the house you're in, do it.

I understand OPs sentiment towards leaving mother and feelings of angst against father.

Having stopped momentarily, the father has potential for change. Excessive alcohol is probably something akin to porn for men. It can be stopped, even though it can be extremely difficult. But there must be communication. Hope. Belief. And continuous action. Russell Brand's "Recovery" book is pretty good, I think.

Have you tried therapy as a family, as transparently as possible? Have you brought the issue up with everyone fully present? Have you talked to any professional advisers?

I wish you the courage to draw the strength that you know you already have deep within you. Don't give up

Yeah, I know, because I live in a similar situation (I just can't currently get out of it due to disability). But that doesn't mean that they should stick around for the sake of their mother, because the problem is that their mum didn't do their job as a parent. They should've removed themselves and their children from the abusive situation and they didn't. It just sets OP up for further abuse imo. If the mother wants to stay in the relationship, that's a different thing entirely, but OP doesn't have to.

Addiction is a tricky issue, clearly OPs dad isn't in the correct mindset for recovery or they'd be making active strides towards it (even if they were still abusing alcohol or whatever). You can't force someone into recovery. And you can't just stick around living in fear either, that's no way to live. That's just traumatising.

Hm. Yes.

You cannot force. But you can influence.

You shouldn't live in fear. You should embrace your wings and fly, and try to help lift up those you see suffering. I believe this is a moral obligation, and so I see where the sentiment is. Regardless, I duly note your point; mother should carefully make her own decision. Same goes for OP and father.

I believe an attempt at communication and trying to solve it one last time is better than never trying. Because if that were so, it may be... regrettable.

That's true, but you still need to look after number one. OP can help their dad whilst living elsewhere. From my experience, most addicts don't take it very well when you bring up their addiction/stopping whatever it is, mostly because they're not ready to give it up. Or so I've been told when people have stopped using whatever it is.