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Boyfriend got blackout drunk and cheated

as harsh as it sounds - its generally very good life advice to say: once a cheater.. always a cheater

there are exceptions, but if you don't follow the rule, you will be hurt again, more times than you will be surprised. Move on, cope with the pain, find a guy that won't **** a random girl on his first night of uni.

Reply 21

Anonymous #3

I think he got raped...

Reply 22

Notoriety

22

Original post by NotNotBatman

In the eyes of the law a man cannot get raped. Not saying I agree with this, but that's how the law works in this country, however a man can be sexually assaulted.

In my eyes he didn't consent, so it isn't his fault.

There is simply not enough information for anyone to say he did or did not consent, so I am highly suspicious of this piece of advice.

It sounds like @999tigger and Mr @Drewski above have the more likely answer. It is a wee bit difficult to have sex when you're in such a state that you lack capacity to consent; tumescence is highly sensitive to alcohol. What is perhaps more likely is that his inhibitions were lowered and he decided that he wanted to have sex. The level of alcohol, such to lower his inhibitions, was sufficient to cause memory loss.

Of course, no one can know. But if you're going off parsimony and trying to follow the most likely explanation, I find it very hard to assume that he did not consent.

Reply 23

SofaChillReview

9

Original post by NotNotBatman

In the eyes of the law a man cannot get raped. Not saying I agree with this, but that's how the law works in this country, however a man can be sexually assaulted.

In my eyes he didn't consent, so it isn't his fault.

Oh come on now !
Are you seriously saying if your other half got too drunk and then slept with someone you would feel the same and not their fault ?

EITHER way a woman can’t literally force herself on a man and have sex, at that drunkness he shouldn’t be able to consent, they said the other person heard it, if it was legitimate he would have been saying no, kicking off etc.

Far too many excuses when in reality he has basically got too drunk, slept with someone then being so wrecked with guilt he’s told his girlfriend. She was right to dump him and personally should never speak to him ever again !

Reply 24

Reue

20

Original post by Drewski

If he was that drunk he wouldn't have been able to have sex.

He was a willing participant in it.

Disgusting attitude for what may have been sexual assault.

Reply 25

Reue

20

Original post by NotNotBatman

In the eyes of the law a man cannot get raped.

A man can be raped, but not by a woman.

Reply 26

Reue

20

He was either assualted or cheated. He should therefore either go to the police or get dumped.

Reply 27

Andrew97

Entertainment Forum Helper, Debate & Current Affairs Helper

20

Original post by NotNotBatman

In the eyes of the law a man cannot get raped. Not saying I agree with this, but that's how the law works in this country, however a man can be sexually assaulted.

In my eyes he didn't consent, so it isn't his fault.

So under the eyes of the law, if she was drunk he could have raped her?

this is a just a general question about law rather than speculation on what happened.

Reply 28

meowgoesthedog

8

Original post by Anonymous

I have told him to tell me if he feels that he was taken advantage of and he can't seem to do it because he doesn't remember. Trust me, I told him many times to report her and that this is a police issue and he won't. I don't want to assume it's because he consented but these things are all going through my head. Like I said, I'm healing and I'd appreciate it if you didn't accuse me of being the worse person for breaking up with him when I have considered all of these things and tried to find answers to them.

I’m not making any character judgements just telling you what your actions boil down to. A lot of victims don’t report their abuser for myriad of reasons and it’s not your place to try and force him to report her. Just off the top of my head he might not see it as seriously as it actually is because she’s a girl and won’t want to ruin her life over it. He might feel be humiliated about it. He might think his peers will think of him differently. I’m sure you’re going through a difficult time but if his story checks out he’s going through an even worse time. It’s also possible he’s lying to you but if he’s not then you should be there for him at a time like this.

Reply 29

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Plantagenet Crown

No idea why you'd break up with him. If the story's true then it's obvious that none of this was his fault, it's that girl who went into his room and raped him when he was basically unconscious.

The thing that makes the difference is I now know he was on top. I don't know if that's possible when you're in such a state, I really don't.

Reply 30

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by meowgoesthedog

I’m not making any character judgements just telling you what your actions boil down to. A lot of victims don’t report their abuser for myriad of reasons and it’s not your place to try and force him to report her. Just off the top of my head he might not see it as seriously as it actually is because she’s a girl and won’t want to ruin her life over it. He might feel be humiliated about it. He might think his peers will think of him differently. I’m sure you’re going through a difficult time but if his story checks out he’s going through an even worse time. It’s also possible he’s lying to you but if he’s not then you should be there for him at a time like this.

Trust me when I say this, I've done nothing but be there for him at all times. And I still am. Most girls would walk away but I'm finding it extremely difficul to. I'm not making him report anything, and I would understand why he wouldn't want to cause such drama (especially considering the girl could try and flip it on its head and say he raped her.) He has told me he doesn't think he was raped but he doesn't think he was in the right state to fully consent, so I don't know what to make of that. I don't know if you've cheated before or something but you do not know the full story and I am far from the person at fault here.

Reply 31

Anonymous #2

Original post by Anonymous

I have told him to tell me if he feels that he was taken advantage of and he can't seem to do it because he doesn't remember. Trust me, I told him many times to report her and that this is a police issue and he won't. I don't want to assume it's because he consented but these things are all going through my head. Like I said, I'm healing and I'd appreciate it if you didn't accuse me of being the worse person for breaking up with him when I have considered all of these things and tried to find answers to them.

Well even if he did go to the police, there really isn't anything they can do seeing as he cannot actually remember what happened that night and there probably is not any proof either. Maybe that's why he won't report it, because it probably wouldn't make a difference anyway.

Reply 32

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Anonymous

Well even if he did go to the police, there really isn't anything they can do seeing as he cannot actually remember what happened that night and there probably is not any proof either. Maybe that's why he won't report it, because it probably wouldn't make a difference anyway.

This is what I understand from that, yeah.

Reply 33

meowgoesthedog

8

Original post by Anonymous

Trust me when I say this, I've done nothing but be there for him at all times. And I still am. Most girls would walk away but I'm finding it extremely difficul to. I'm not making him report anything, and I would understand why he wouldn't want to cause such drama (especially considering the girl could try and flip it on its head and say he raped her.) He has told me he doesn't think he was raped but he doesn't think he was in the right state to fully consent, so I don't know what to make of that. I don't know if you've cheated before or something but you do not know the full story and I am far from the person at fault here.

I haven’t pointed any fingers I’m just playing devil’s advocate and pointing out what an awful situation this could be for him if he’s telling the truth. You’re the one being defensive making the suggestion that I’ve cheated before. For the record I haven’t and I’d cut ties with a close friend if they cheated on somebody and weren’t remorseful about it, and I’d walk out of any relationship I got cheated on with no second thoughts.

Reply 34

NotNotBatman

20

Original post by SofaChillReview

Oh come on now !
Are you seriously saying if your other half got too drunk and then slept with someone you would feel the same and not their fault ?

EITHER way a woman can’t literally force herself on a man and have sex, at that drunkness he shouldn’t be able to consent, they said the other person heard it, if it was legitimate he would have been saying no, kicking off etc.

Far too many excuses when in reality he has basically got too drunk, slept with someone then being so wrecked with guilt he’s told his girlfriend. She was right to dump him and personally should never speak to him ever again !

Indeed I would. If my partner literally got raped, as you're describing, I wouldn't be mad at her, of course not.

Original post by Reue

A man can be raped, but not by a woman.

Yes, this is what I meant, just didn't add it, because of the circumstances.

Original post by Andrew97

So under the eyes of the law, if she was drunk he could have raped her?

this is a just a general question about law rather than speculation on what happened.

Yes, unfortunately that's how it works, penetration is required for it to be rape, there needs to be penetration of a penis into another person.

(edited 5 years ago)

Reply 35

Beautykay

2

Hi, Now I am your boyfriend in this situation. On Saturday night I was drinking with mutual friends of ours that I have known for years and have had no reason to distrust.1. Our relationship is quite on the rocks before this incident happened. 2. However I am not the type of person to sleep around, especially with my friends. Only slept with 2 people and that was my long term boyfriends. Here is the story, so the drinking went horribly wrong as I got black out drunk. Only remember fragments of the night. I don’t remember leaving the place I was drinking, the car ride to my friends house or simply climbing out of the car or walking to his room. Which is probably the most vital information right? Don’t even remember his penis entering me or us sharing any kisses or sexual interaction AT ALL. Okay so this friend I had “slept” with, is someone I trusted. Someone who I have never ever felt some sort of romantic feelings for, not even kissed or looked at in a certain way. He was a brother, his mom was like a really good second mom to me. However he is quite the man whore and generally likes ****ing woman. Which I was fine with cause I was a friend. He would never ever do something like that to me. If he were a good friend, he would’ve let me sleep, called my boyfriend to fetch and instead he didn’t. HE ****ED ME. I remember nothing. HOW? How do I remember nothing? That’s impossible right? Nope. It happens. I shouldn’t have gotten so drunk, YES. I acknowledge that. However I trusted him, why would someone I trust **** me? Who knows my boyfriend for years? Just wanted a quick **** and left me alone? Where all he had to do was put me to bed and call my boyfriend. So I am busy trying to open a legal case. It’s difficult when liquor is involved to succeed in a case. But since the incident happened, my boyfriend broke up with me. REASONABLY SO. However I didn’t asked to be ****ed, I didn’t ask my friend of almost 9 years to violate me. SO YEAH, situation is ****ed up. But it happens, what happened to your boyfriend happened to me. It’s not that easy to open a sexual assault case. I am going through it now. IT AINT EASY.