I had a one-night stand and I hate myself. Should I tell my partner?

I love my partner and have been with him for a year and a half. To date this has been my most healthy relationship. I have never so much as looked at another man. I have BPD and tend to do some horrible self-destructive crap when I am drunk (not an excuse just contextualising). I am aware of this problem and have previously had alcohol counselling but last night I just went off the rails again. I blacked out and woke up to discover I had cheated. I am devastated and racked with guilt. However I do not want to throw away what we have or hurt him further. Should I tell him?

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Yes.

why do threads like this always start with long excuses lol. Yes, the reason is irrelevant

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

I said it wasnt an excuse. I was explaining what happened. I know I have royally ****ed up and that is my fault. But I think it helps to give context.

Reply 4

Ciel.

Original post by Anonymous

Blacked out? It doesn't count then. If you are so drunk that you black out, you can't even consent.

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

Sadly I would disagree. I black out say 7/10 times that I drink - but i will black out for like a long period. So for some of that time I may have still been walking and talking but my brain just erases it. I have been arrested in the past and stuff because basically alcohol has a jekyll and hyde effect on me (again not saying that absolves me or excuses me - I know its my fault for continuing to drink .Just explaininhg)

Reply 6

Ciel.

Original post by Anonymous

Just forget about it and move on, telling him is only going to hurt him.

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

Yes thats my concern - I am his first girlfriend and I just know that telling him would break him

Reply 8

caivalry

Tell them. It would be truly unfair to withhold such information. It's only going to continue to eat away at you unless you be honest.

(edited 5 years ago)

Reply 9

WaffleApple

Tell him, no offense but i think he has the right to know the sort of woman he is dating.

If i was your boyfriend, i would dump your arse in 10 seconds flat.

Alcohol simply isn't an excuse. You knew you would be at risk of cheating when drunk ect.

Reply 10

Anonymous #1

Yes how many times do I need to say that i get that point. I have accepted i know i have a problem and i did it anyway. Because I cant bear life to go smoothly. That is my problem I know and I am responsible. Why does no one seem to get that I do realise that?

My only concern is what will cause him more harm

Reply 11

DrawTheLine

Original post by Anonymous

Yes you should tell him, because he deserves someone who truly loves and respects him. Let him be with someone who does. You are not that person.

Reply 12

Anonymous #1

fair enough I am considering all those points. To be clear I already feel beyond *****y and disgusted with myself. I dont need help on that front. What I am asking for is views on whether to tell/ how to tell/ opinions on whether people would want to know.

I have always felt personally that if it ever happened to me and was a one-off thing i wouldnt want to know but if it was an ongoing emotional thing i would. Thats just been my view.
thats the kind of discussion i was looking for not just to be kicked when down

Reply 13

xoxAngel_Kxox

Tell him, and tell him the whole situation, ie your condition and issues with drink etc. It's then up to him whether he continues with the relationship with you. Personally, I wouldn't want to be with someone who knew they did things - potentially dangerous things as you mentioned being arrested - while drunk.. and then continued drinking?! Why the actual hell would you even do that? I don't drink because I get sad when I'm drunk - and that's not even serious. If I knew I hurt people I love when I got drunk, I wouldn't ever touch a drop again. Please get proper help.

Reply 14

Anonymous #1

I have always self-destructed my whole life. I do it when things are going well for me. it has nearly cost me my career, my life and even relationships. I cant explain why I do it. It seems to be around some perverse belief that I dont deserve to be happy and that by doing these stupid things i prove that point. Im not proud of it - I have had 24 years of it. Im just so worried about how this is going to affect him

Reply 15

DrawTheLine

Original post by Anonymous

Yes you need to tell him. I would want to know if you were my partner. Tell him by saying "I cheated on you by having a one night stand."

Reply 16

MrMusician95

Firstly, yes, tell him. He deserves to know. And secondly, if you do self destructive stuff when drunk and black out too have you thought about stopping drinking?

Reply 17

Anonymous #1

Yes last night was the first time I have drank in just over a year. Picking up the drink is part of the self-destruct thing tho. I had been doing well and i fell off the wagon big style. And for person above who said I should explain my issues he is well aware having seen me be hospitalised/arrested for the same around a year ago.

Reply 18

WaffleApple

Original post by Anonymous

While that may be your point of view i can assure you that will not be the way most people feel.

He has a right to know who you are and to the extent of your self destructive problems. He has a right to know what happens when you go off the 'rails' and he has a right to accept or decline that.

What you seem not to understand is that he has a right to make all of these big decisions which you are wanting to make for him.

It will hurt him now but it will hurt a damn sight more when he finds out 6 months down the line.

Reply 19

Anonymous #1

also my mum is an alcoholic as are many members of my family. I try to stay away from it but it is a constant battle. Yes it creates more problems than it solves but sometimes I just need to numb my mind and blacking out is the only way. I have never denied that that is selfish but thats the truth of it