I'm taking the TSA this year and have done a few practice essays and research about what they're expecting, but I'm definitely not an expert so please take my advice with a pinch of salt! Thank you for uploading it by the way, it's good practice for me to look at and analyse another essay
Introduction - Define the term 'life expectancy', perhaps allude to how it is calculated and what it represents
i.e. the measure of the average age at which the average person dies in a specific population
- This 'increase in population' - does increased life expectancy really mean a higher population? For instance, a specific population could have a high life expectancy they're more affluent whereas another population might have a shorter life expectancy because they're less privileged but the overall population count may have stayed the same.
- 'Most people' may be a bit of an assertion - perhaps specify whether you mean the general public, politicians, demographers, etc.
Paragraph 1This point may be a little underdeveloped. Maybe develop the counterargument a little more. For instance, instead of just saying 'this will lead to a strain on our resources', explain how exactly it could strain our resources and how this could lead to your conclusion of 'thus people would be starving'. For example, 'an increased life expectancy and thus population, since people, on average, will be living longer suggests that society would require more energy, water supplies, food supplies and housing than we currently do...', and then you can go on to explain hypothetical examples of how 'society could break down'. You could touch on here why exactly resources would be scarce - why wouldn't we just be able to grow more food and find energy alternatives? After all, more people = more workers.
I feel like your proposed solution of technology needs to be linked to the point a little more. Mention a few examples of how this technology has the possibility of dealing with a higher population - whether than be robots that farm our food, work, etc. How exactly could technological development optimise our resources? Potential of renewable energy? Smaller but more energy-efficient homes? Switching to a more sustainable diet that can feed more people?
Paragraph 2 This might be a little too similar to your previous point and could probably be merged together and linked to flow better and show your argument and your counterargument smoothly linked together.
There's a few more assertions in this paragraph that would need more evidence too such as:-
- 'If population size grows, then it logically follows that the number of researches will grow proportionally." Again, see my above point that increased life expectancy doesn't necessarily mean more people. You could, in theory have a population of 10 people and one of them lives to 120 and the rest live to 20 and the life expectancy would be 30, or half of them live to be 120 and the rest only live to 20, the life expectancy would be 70, but the population in this example hasn't changed. Thus, in a real life scenario, life expectancy could increase, but just because rich people are living longer and poor people are living shorter. Let's assume that population has grown because of higher life expectancy (which could be assumed if you explained about how we could have more births and fewer deaths in a given time frame thus increasing the population), this might not necessarily mean more researchers. We might all live really long but not have the money and resources for education. Think of poorer countries, their life expectancies are increasing yet the proportion of researchers isn't
definitely changing, it's still just the more privileged people that are more likely to get an education (but you could debate points like this a little more). There's quite a few other assertions here that I could go into if you'd like me to.
Paragraph 3Again, needs more development and evidence to back up your points. Would family ties necessarily get stronger if more people live longer? Life expectancy has increased over the last 100 years but particularly in Britain, the elderly are often just put in care homes. I don't know if there is much evidence to support that family ties are getting stronger, but larger families would be accurate since it is something you could quantify. Maybe go a bit deeper into the implications of this on society - what changes could follow?
Sorry if I've got on a bit of a tangent or been a bit harsh! I think it's a good essay and I know how hard it is to write a decent TSA essay in only 30 minutes. I think you need to pick 2 or 3 really good points and develop them as much as you can by analysing the argument and acknowledging possible counter-arguments. In some of your paragraphs, you kind of bung in a load of points rather than delving deep into a singular point and critically thinking about it. Particularly doing more analysis on the question so you don't jump to assumptions without backing it up with evidence. You have a nice structure going on and some interesting points to say
Good luck!!!