Officially being 1 month at Uni and I hate it!

Before I begin, don't bother posting Generic advice about "putting yourself out there" or "Things will get better with time" because I've reached a point where I honestly can't be bothered to deal with this for the next 5 years.

I'm not going to say the university I'm at but if you dig through my post history, you can probably work out where I am and also that socially speaking I'm not the best in that department.

Moved into Uni exactly 1 month ago on this very day and it has been getting worse and worse ever since then.
I'm enjoying my course and I'm having no problems academically, but socially i give up.



You're probably thinking:

"But Bulletzone, just join a society and things will be okay".
-Attempted to join a society but they all seemed so lapse and unprepared. Obtaining information was difficult and 95% of the societies are all centred around drinking.

or

"Bulletzone, I bet you're just sat in your room and expecting people to come up to you and things to be smooth sailing"
-Ever since day 1, I told myself for the next 2 weeks I shall talk to at least 2 new people every day (which I did mind you); now it's like everyone settled in with others and I'm just sat in my room gaming/working.

or

"Bulletzone, I bet you get along with your course-mates/flatmates"
-I have no problems with my flatmates it's just 60-70% of them all bond over getting intoxicated and it's just hard to start a conversation with them. They purposely avoid sitting near me in the Canteen (I'm catered), so I've been sitting alone at the table which I don't mind but it'd be nice if I could get along with someone.
-Most of my course-mates have already made good/close friends and so the only time I'm ever talking to someone is either when: They need help or we're grouped together on an assignment.


I'm just looking for advice on what to do, because I just feel so angry with myself for being this way and don't know what to do.
If you've bothered to read this far, you deserve a cookie.

Tldr:
-Been 1 month at uni
-Don't get along with anyone despite making an attempt.
-Hate it

"But Bulletzone, just join a society and things will be okay".
-Attempted to join a society but they all seemed so lapse and unprepared. Obtaining information was difficult and 95% of the societies are all centred around drinking.

Before I begin, don't bother posting Generic advice about "putting yourself out there" or "Things will get better with time" because I've reached a point where I honestly can't be bothered to deal with this for the next 5 years.

I'm not going to say the university I'm at but if you dig through my post history, you can probably work out where I am and also that socially speaking I'm not the best in that department.

Moved into Uni exactly 1 month ago on this very day and it has been getting worse and worse ever since then.
I'm enjoying my course and I'm having no problems academically, but socially i give up.



You're probably thinking:

"But Bulletzone, just join a society and things will be okay".
-Attempted to join a society but they all seemed so lapse and unprepared. Obtaining information was difficult and 95% of the societies are all centred around drinking.

or

"Bulletzone, I bet you're just sat in your room and expecting people to come up to you and things to be smooth sailing"
-Ever since day 1, I told myself for the next 2 weeks I shall talk to at least 2 new people every day (which I did mind you); now it's like everyone settled in with others and I'm just sat in my room gaming/working.

or

"Bulletzone, I bet you get along with your course-mates/flatmates"
-I have no problems with my flatmates it's just 60-70% of them all bond over getting intoxicated and it's just hard to start a conversation with them. They purposely avoid sitting near me in the Canteen (I'm catered), so I've been sitting alone at the table which I don't mind but it'd be nice if I could get along with someone.
-Most of my course-mates have already made good/close friends and so the only time I'm ever talking to someone is either when: They need help or we're grouped together on an assignment.


I'm just looking for advice on what to do, because I just feel so angry with myself for being this way and don't know what to do.
If you've bothered to read this far, you deserve a cookie.

Tldr:
-Been 1 month at uni
-Don't get along with anyone despite making an attempt.
-Hate it

Argh, in high school I hated too the fact that most people enjoyed getting drunk or stuff like that. I tried too but it wasn't exactly my type of activity. Please don't be angry at yourself because you're not "that" way! I was, too, and it's of no use! You'll find friends whom you can be yourself with and they'll appreciate you for that.

I found people in my class who don't drink that much or at all, surely there are at your uni too. Have you got to meet all your classmates? How have they already made friends? Have you noticed someone who has the same interests as you, be it sports or computers or whatever? I'm sure you can get closer to someone, too. When you're grouped in for an assignment, maybe try to be open to talk about other things than the homework? Or if you have noticed someone, and don't know how to initiate a conversation, go through your courses and ask him/her to help you with something you don't understand.

Haha, I've also tried to join a society in my first year, I went to some of their meetings, but I didn't resonate with them. I found them quirky I could say. I mean, they ended every meeting with a weird hand sign and some made-up word.

I think it's really great that you're enjoying your courses, and in the end, that's more important!

Have all your high school friends/class mates gone to other universities? Don't you know anyone already? Anyhow, you could also talk to them, ask how they're doing, maybe hang out during weekends?

Also, what about the other 30% of your flatmates who aren't intoxicated?

Hi @Bulletzone,

I'm sorry to hear that you're finding it difficult socially at university. It can sometimes be tough to make friends at university as it's a very new experience and probably quite different to anything else that you've experienced. I know that joining a society is something that you have already tried, but what about exploring options outside of the university campus? If you are based in an area with lots of students then there might be clubs that you can join or events that you can attend that don't involve alcohol too.

Another thing that might be worth doing is speaking to a student support officer at the university. They may know the area better and may have some suggestions that are much more tailored for your university.

I've got my fingers crossed for you that everything falls into place. I'm sure it will! Let me know if I can help with anything else.

Hannah

I wonder how some people would cope without alcohol.

Hard to give you advise, most of my issues always stem from my mental disabilities, but i will say to get the **** out of there. Being unhappy and trying to convince yourself it will be ok is not worth it, trust me.

Hi there bulletzone,
Seems to me like you've made the effort to get out there and talk to people, but have you ever asked yourself that it is your approach that is making you not develop friends?
Let me expand on this by offering some bulletpoints.
Conversation
What do you talk about when you go up and talk to people?
Make sure to talk about YOU - not in a cocky way of course, but offering information about yourself, and asking for details about others will bring you to 'friendship' level. Too many times conversations end up being about schoolwork, the weather, or something trivial happening in school...
Talk about your interests, childhood experiences, funny times in school, what made you choose the uni you're going to.... ask them for the same.
Copy-cat
Noticed someone that has made friends quickly at your uni?
What do they do that you haven't? How do they speak/act around other people? Emulate that... and soon it will come naturally!
Not only going up to people, but walking alongside them...
This is an important one. I know this may sound creepy, but honestly it's not as bad as you may think. Simply asking people, 'hey, where are you off to right now?' or 'I'm going to the cafe/library/park, mind if you join me?' instead of saying 'alright, got to go now. see ya!' works WONDERS. Take it from me. In this way you're having more conversation along the way, and actually you are sort of moving yourself away from the sort of aquaintance group that you may occupy. Spending more time with people is a big one that's glossed over one too many times!
Body language
Don't act standoffish. Just a tap on the shoulder, a smile, a highfive, a hand on the shoulder, a hug... Makes you seem more friendly and approachable and allows other people to open up themselves to you.
Personality?
Crack jokes. Share your interests. Share something weird about yourself. Ask about the person you're talking to, too.
Conclusion: Remember, going up and talking to people is only half the battle, but HOW you're doing the conversing? That's how real friends are made. Soon, once you do this enough, this will come naturally.
Try gaging who you'd like to be friends with; talk to someone you haven't before !
Any more questions, please ask.

Never really had any high school friends/class-mates. The 2 friends from my city that I did have as friends have moved on with their life (relationships, finding a house etc).


They're going out/tagging along with the intoxicated bunch. Don't get me wrong, I've tried going out without having to drink but it just wasn't for me as everyone seemed to get along better when drunk.









Thanks for the advice.



Not really sure where the student support officer is at the university







They don't.





You're probably right. The Uni life-style was meant for the socially capable and tbh, I'm paying £9250 per annum to teach myself all the stuff anyway so I may just drop out and do an online course at the end of the year, I could drop out at the end of this semester right?



Conversation:
I struggle talking to people. I've never really had opportunities to have an extended conversation with someone beyond a greeting. Could you go on about talking about me?

Copy-cat:
Surely that defeats the purpose of "just be yourself", I have noticed that there is someone that knows about 90% of the first year students and he just goes up to them and starts talking to them somehow.

Body-Language:
I'm not really fond of human contact and that goes both-ways.


Most of the things you've pointed out sound like traits you should have developed in your childhood. You see that's the thing, I didn't exactly have the typical childhood of "going to your friends house for a sleepover" or "going to birthday parties". I was either: doing work, watching tv or playing games. This occured all the way from Year 1 to Year 10 and it's reached the point where I just don't know what to do.
The amount of times I've been told "Just Say 'Hi' ", yet i believe that advice should only be given to people who've had a pretty social upbringing rather than been isolated from basic human interaction. I literally need my entire life resetting or shutting down because there's something not wired correctly with me.

Is university really this awful? I’ve read so much about it being the best experience of peoples lives and then on tsr I see so many people complain about the social life.., I was really looking forward to the social aspects, maybe I’m expecting too much.

Never really had any high school friends/class-mates. The 2 friends from my city that I did have as friends have moved on with their life (relationships, finding a house etc).


They're going out/tagging along with the intoxicated bunch. Don't get me wrong, I've tried going out without having to drink but it just wasn't for me as everyone seemed to get along better when drunk.









Thanks for the advice.



Not really sure where the student support officer is at the university







They don't.





You're probably right. The Uni life-style was meant for the socially capable and tbh, I'm paying £9250 per annum to teach myself all the stuff anyway so I may just drop out and do an online course at the end of the year, I could drop out at the end of this semester right?



Conversation:
I struggle talking to people. I've never really had opportunities to have an extended conversation with someone beyond a greeting. Could you go on about talking about me?

Copy-cat:
Surely that defeats the purpose of "just be yourself", I have noticed that there is someone that knows about 90% of the first year students and he just goes up to them and starts talking to them somehow.

Body-Language:
I'm not really fond of human contact and that goes both-ways.


Most of the things you've pointed out sound like traits you should have developed in your childhood. You see that's the thing, I didn't exactly have the typical childhood of "going to your friends house for a sleepover" or "going to birthday parties". I was either: doing work, watching tv or playing games. This occured all the way from Year 1 to Year 10 and it's reached the point where I just don't know what to do.
The amount of times I've been told "Just Say 'Hi' ", yet i believe that advice should only be given to people who've had a pretty social upbringing rather than been isolated from basic human interaction. I literally need my entire life resetting or shutting down because there's something not wired correctly with me.

Get a grip.

If you don't find friends, stop looking for them. Keep up with your friends from home or find things to do to take your mind off it. Gym membership, taking a walk, an actual society (sports/athletics/whatever), or if you like learning then just go to the library or talk with your lecturers about what interests them. Some of the nicest people at university will be lecturers of various ages who are excited to tell you about their interests.

Or find a different route to whatever keeps failing at the moment.

But quitting or giving up on university because you don't have friends is just pathetic. It's a learning insitution not a social club. You're there to become employable not to leave with 300 extra Facebook friends for when you move out. Most people will leave university with a select few people who have truly become best friends they'll keep for life, others won't, maybe you're part of the others. At the end of the day - who cares? Enjoy your time at university and make the most of it.

I might be talking from a completely different perspective here beacuse I never moved out of my city for university so most of my friends were those who I knew before already, but really do get a grip if you find the concept of sitting "alone" at lectures and seminars frightening.

You should look at this in a more idiographic manner.

Is university really this awful? I’ve read so much about it being the best experience of peoples lives and then on tsr I see so many people complain about the social life.., I was really looking forward to the social aspects, maybe I’m expecting too much.

What shame that the concept of individuality is a myth.