Brother sharing my personal info with our dad

My dad has always been very on and off with me. He openly told me he never wanted a daughter, and only stopped saying that when I was 8 and joined a football team, then when I stopped playing football he stopped paying attention to me again. It wasn't until I was 14 and mum moved me and her and my brother away that dad took an interest in me again.
As a father, he's very strict. He looks down on me and makes fun of me, either criticising my appearance or my life choices in general. Whenever I made friends he'd interrogate them and go out of his way to embarrass me or upset them if he didn't like them, and he's forbidden me from dating or getting a job until after uni, thinking I need to devote 100% of my attention to my studies. And when I do devote all my attention to my studies, he calls me stupid for needing to study and not just knowing these things already and a loser for not spending time with my friends, and when I do all this and tell him about a good grade I got, he asks why it isn't 100% (I literally got 94% on my latest coursework piece and all he asked was why wasn't it 100).
Because of all this, I don't like telling him anything about my life. I go to great length to make sure he doesn't know anything about my life. I have spent the last 4 years I've been living away from him building a social life complete with great friends, a waitressing job, and a boyfriend of 2 years, none of which he knows about.
As I live with my brother he has a far better picture of my life than dad does. He and dad have been growing closer since he turned 16. While my brother enjoys visiting dad once a month, I have to as I can't afford my books for uni and dad only pays for them so long as I go see him.
I have accounts on various social media platforms which I have made a conscious effort to hide from dad. I also have the previously mentioned friends and boyfriend. And my job. Dad knows nothing about any of these things. My brother does.
Over the last half a dozen or so visits my brother has gradually told my dad about all of these for no reason. And with no prompting. Dad has followed me on twitter, facebook, and instagram, all of which I have fake names on and he has found me because my brother linked him. Dad also wants to meet my boyfriend, which just isn't happening. And he's annoyed at me for having friends for 4 years and a boyfriend for 2 (who I was friends with for 2 years before that) that I didn't tell him about.
How can I best contain the situation?

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Reply 1

Maven Writers

Must have been really tough growing up with such a dad. My heart goes out to you

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

Original post by Maven Writers

Must have been really tough growing up with such a dad. My heart goes out to you

He's a little strict. It's more irritating than anything. But what's really annoying me is that I had a conversation just now with my brother where I found out all this stuff and he's even said that he found out what my pin was for my phone and showed dad my texts. I have no idea what he actually showed dad but I text my boyfriend all the time and there's a lot of stuff I don't want either of them seeing.

Reply 3

username47781

Original post by Anonymous

Your brother had no right to do that.

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

Original post by Rock Fan

Your brother had no right to do that.

I know. I just got really annoyed at him for it. He's on the phone complaining to dad right now about how I yelled at him over it. I'm just trying to figure out how to deal with everything. Both of them are upset with me, and dad can't meet my boyfriend or my friends. He spent 14 years driving my friends away and now I've finally had the chance to start over he wants to come in again and destroy everything.

Reply 5

ohhello92x

Can’t imagine what you’re going through with a dad like that, my heart goes out to you. :hugs:

Your dad needs to back off and let you live your life, you have that right to do what makes you happy. Your brother also had no right to do what he did.

My suggestion is maybe try and talk to your dad about how you’re feeling with him being strict on you, etc? Apologies if you’ve tried already or don’t want to, too tired to think properly atm :colondollar:

Hope you figure something out, you don’t deserve to be treated like this! :hugs:

Reply 6

username47781

Original post by Anonymous

Do you still live with your Dad?

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

Original post by Rock Fan

Do you still live with your Dad?

No. I live with mum and brother and dad lives in another county, and me and my brother go to visit him one weekend a month.

Reply 8

username47781

Original post by Anonymous

No. I live with mum and brother and dad lives in another county, and me and my brother go to visit him one weekend a month.

Just as well, I wouldn't let him control what you do in your life.

Reply 9

Anonymous #1

Original post by Rock Fan

Just as well, I wouldn't let him control what you do in your life.

He doesn't exactly control me but until the divorce is final I have to give student finance his financial info and mum earns about 20k a year and dad earns about 10k a month so I don't get a lot of student finance because of him and he's said he'll pay for my books for my course as long as I visit him and don't p*ss him off too much.

Reply 10

Bio 7

I’m pretty sure your brother is on shaky ground by sharing stuff from your phone, he has no right and it’s also to some extent illegal.

Reply 11

Anonymous #1

Original post by Bio 7

I’m pretty sure your brother is on shaky ground by sharing stuff from your phone, he has no right and it’s also to some extent illegal.

I mean I don't want to get him in like legal trouble or anything. I used some choice language against him when I found out but with the phone thing the best case scenario is that dad saw the contacts in my address book/on my messages and saw my bf's name with a <3 after it and a picture of us kissing for the icon. In any case dad knows that I actually have a life now and I have no idea how to deal with this because I can't get ahead of it any more.

Reply 12

username2393237

Wait until you’re no longer dependent on him financially and then tell him exactly how you feel. Write a letter or a send a text if that would be easier.

You say he’s a little strict, but it’s beyond that; he is totally destroying your relationship and he really has never been there for you emotionally. It’s make or break time for him because I imagine you’ll have absolutely nothing to do with him in a few years if this continues.

I think the neglect and the criticism amounts to emotional abuse.

(edited 5 years ago)

Reply 13

Bang Outta Order

what a weird dynamic, its like a european psychological horror b-film. what is your culture? are you non-english white or poc?

Reply 14

Anonymous #1

Original post by Bang Outta Order

what a weird dynamic, its like a european psychological horror b-film. what is your culture? are you non-english white or poc?

Original post by YaliaV

Nope. We're white english. Is it really that weird??? I thought he was mostly just like everyone else's dad. Maybe a bit OTT sometimes but parents have favourites and I thought maybe the friends stuff was a bit weird but he's always been a bit intense tbh...

Reply 15

Bang Outta Order

Original post by Anonymous

ok then its weird because foreign fathers seem to be this controlling for cultural reasons. for your dad to be this controlling it's just strange. feels bad.

Reply 16

Bang Outta Order

Original post by Maven Writers

Must have been really tough growing up with such a dad. My heart goes out to you

@UWS meet yourself. Same av, thought it was you :rofl:

(edited 5 years ago)

Reply 17

username2393237

Original post by Anonymous

He told you that he didn’t want a girl and only showed an interest when you acted like a boy - that’s pretty horrendous. It doesn’t seem like he was a great dad to your brother either though. He’s obviously emotionally stilted himself, but that’s no excuse. The constant criticism etc is also abusive. It’s his job to provide for you emotionally as well as physically and he hasn’t done that.

Reply 18

Anonymous #1

Original post by Bang Outta Order

ok then its weird because foreign fathers seem to be this controlling for cultural reasons. for your dad to be this controlling it's just strange. feels bad.

I mean he's a born again Christian if that means anything... but white, english, south Londoner if that means anything. He's always been like that. Is it really that bad?

Reply 19

Bang Outta Order

Original post by Anonymous

I mean he's a born again Christian if that means anything... but white, english, south Londoner if that means anything. He's always been like that. Is it really that bad?