Think my 9 yr relationship is over due to money

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OP- why did you two move in the first place? Did you move because he got a job in a new location and you followed him? Are you living in the same town but he wanted a better flat and then for some reason you lost your job?
What it sounds like to me is that you both moved into a new flat and you contributed to the move as you said. You are unemployed and still looking but in the meantime he is having to pay the rent and the bulk of the bills. He knows that you have a sizeable saving that you are not willing to put toward the rent at this point because you've already spent a large portion of savings on the move and additional bills. You feel at this point you want to protect what you have left in your savings because it is for a house. He, however, brings home a sizeable income but hasn't chosen to save any of it so the prospect of spending more of his paycheck than what he normally does stresses him out and he's worried that he's going to spend his entire check on bills and living expenses and feels like you should pony up some more savings so he's not having to cover everything.
So you are at a stalemate.
If I understand that correctly then both of you have legitmate concerns. But what you are seeing is how he deals with crisis and life is going to be full of crisis at different points. You need a partner who will be supportive, understanding, and uplifting when times are tough. You both need to be willing to be flexible given the unusual situation. Either of you being stubborn on your position is not going to end well.
You are wise to 'save for a rainy day' because one thing is for sure its going to 'rain' (like losing your job) and if it doesn't you will have a nice nestegg for a house payment or whatever. I know it takes a long time and good discipline to save so well done.
I wonder though..... do you consider that your savings or savings for both of you as a couple? I ask that because if he sees you're not willing to spend anymore from your savings to contribute to the monthly household bills because that is yours then he is asking why is he expected to cover both of your expenses - he sees his money as his.
You might need to seek counseling and get an unbiased third person's opinion especially where you feel you are the only one giving in (90% of the time) and you want your voice to be actually heard. (but someone will have to pay the counselor....)
Perhaps during this time of upheaval due to unemployment you could work a deal where you pay rent every other month so he feels you are still willing to contribute and you're feeling that you won't lose your entire savings.
But, after nine years together you should be able to come up with a workable solution. If the arguments continue then you will need to, as you know, consider ending the relationship. Money issues end a lot of relationships especially after marriage. Maybe you could schedule a meeting with him to calmly discuss the fiancnes when neither of you are mad with the prearranged agreement that both of you need to not be interupted and tempers can't flair and see if you can work out an agreeable solution.
Best of luck to you.

Reply 21

bones-mccoy

It all depends on what each individual is earning. My partner earns 3 times as much I do so he takes care of all the bills, mortage etc whilst I buy all the food shopping, household essentials, pet insurance, and my share of the council tax now he doesn't get a single person discount. If I was earning more I would 100% be contributing more but until I get a better paying job then I simply can't.

Reply 22

Bio 7

Original post by bones-mccoy

Shopping isn’t cheap, even for one person. Unless you live on really crap food.

Reply 23

bones-mccoy

Original post by Bio 7

Shopping isn’t cheap, even for one person. Unless you live on really crap food.

That's true. I don't mind considering I definitely have the better end of the deal here - living in someone's house essentially for free

Reply 24

username3901812

If he's nice and reasonable on every other issue, maybe there's something to do with money going on that you don't know about... could he have a gambling issue, for example? Does he have debts from a long time ago that you don't know about?

Every couple works differently... I don't share finances with my partner, but I pay more because I earn more. That works for us, but we're both pretty relaxed about it.

Reply 25

999tigger

Original post by Anonymous

We've had lots of fights about money in the past but I've given in 90% of the time and just kept going because I love him and he's not like this about other things.

We moved recently and I've been left unemployed + job searching. We agreed he'd pay the rent initially, although I paid half of all the moving costs, deposit, furniture etc.

However we're now approaching 3 months in and I've not got regular work. I've done my best and I've never been in this position before. I was offered a job but it basically hasn't materialised yet and idk why. As soon as I realised they were messing me around I started looking again and now have another interview + some agency work. But I doubt I'll make more than £400-500 this month.

He s basically said now I need to start paying rent end of. I've been paying bills anyway so it's not like I'm costing him anything extra to living alone. And he takes home 2k a month, our rent + bills total 750 a month.

I just feel like I can't keep doing this. He sits there talking about holidays and buying a house while my savings are dropping like a stone. He feels hard done by having paid out maybe 300 toward my costs when I've spent thousands out of my savings. It's already likely to take me a year to put back what I've spent of my savings. He says he can't save but I don't understand how? he should have 1200+ after rent and bills, if he's not saving imo that's 100% his fault.

I feel totally stuck. I already feel horrible about not working. I could ask to move in with my mum but I'd have to start my job search from scratch and keep paying her board in the meantime. I'm not eligible for any benefits so can't even get JSA to keep afloat.

You find out a lot about people during difficult times. After 9 years then you are seeing how much he will stand by you and it sounds disappointing. I believe you have posted about this before? By this time you should be a team and rather than putting pressure on you, it should be both of you together as a team plus he should be supportive. He is neither of those. He shouldnt be allowed to make you feel bad if you are trying your best. It can take a good 6 months to get a job it all depends on speed of rectruitment and some luck. Think very carefully as to how much more time you wnat to spend on this relationship. he is already thinking whats best for him.

Be brave and make the jump. Take some of your power back by planning it and then just carrying it out efficiently.

Reply 26

StriderHort

Just me, but if my partner was sitting unemployed with 10k in the bank and saying they couldn't pay rent because 'savings' I don't think i'd be happy either. Savings are what you have after you've paid you bills, not before.