The Student Room Group

Please rate my short story! :)

So this is a really short story that I wrote for practice for the Language Paper 1 - Q5
Please give me a rating out of 10 and some possible improvements.
I know It's quite short but that's the best I can come up with in the time given in the exam.
Enjoy. :smile:
Reply 1
Language too flowery. Spelling mistakes. Stop mashing fancy words into the doument and just tell a bloody story.
Reply 2
Original post by Tootles
Language too flowery. Spelling mistakes. Stop mashing fancy words into the doument and just tell a bloody story.

Got it thanks !
It's good but make sure to read at the end of what you wrote ill give it a 5/10
I haven't read it but yes
Reply 5
Original post by Beth xxx
It's good but make sure to read at the end of what you wrote ill give it a 5/10

I'm like a grade 5 in English, you gotta give me a hand here. I've re-read it, I can't see the mistake, however I'm sure you're probably right..... Where is it?
Original post by Natalia C
I'm like a grade 5 in English, you gotta give me a hand here. I've re-read it, I can't see the mistake, however I'm sure you're probably right..... Where is it?


Don't worry I re- read it and I like it (I'm a grade 4 in English) but I give it a 9/10
Original post by Natalia C
So this is a really short story that I wrote for practice for the Language Paper 1 - Q5
Please give me a rating out of 10 and some possible improvements.
I know It's quite short but that's the best I can come up with in the time given in the exam.
Enjoy. :smile:

I have done a few annotations in read for how I believe the piece can be improved, of course this is just my opinion and you may not agree with all of my corrections. I would say it seems like a really interesting story and it does leave me wanting to find out what happens next, I would just say it's some of the grammar and spelling letting it down so I would probably give it a 6 because of that. Having said that I think if it was really polished you would have a great story there. (p.s. there is a potentially that some of my changes may not make sense but of course I just had to image the story you were trying to tell).
Original post by Tootles
Language too flowery. Spelling mistakes. Stop mashing fancy words into the doument and just tell a bloody story.

Hahaha you sound like one of my history teachers, no mercy.
Reply 9
Original post by lavender_rose
Hahaha you sound like one of my history teachers, no mercy.


Well, I'm actually a novelist, and I had to unlearn a lot of the stuff I learned in school in order to make my work any good. Teachers often seem teach you that lots of long words are a substitute for actual creativity, but if you're telling a story, make the writing simple. For exmaple, why would you say the domesticated feline reclined on the Axminster when the cat sat on the mat would do the same job?
Reply 10
Original post by lavender_rose
I have done a few annotations in read for how I believe the piece can be improved, of course this is just my opinion and you may not agree with all of my corrections. I would say it seems like a really interesting story and it does leave me wanting to find out what happens next, I would just say it's some of the grammar and spelling letting it down so I would probably give it a 6 because of that. Having said that I think if it was really polished you would have a great story there. (p.s. there is a potentially that some of my changes may not make sense but of course I just had to image the story you were trying to tell).

Thank you so much! I love it, some of the words you've changed were actually the ones i used in the first place, but you're right they sound much better. I love it, and yet again thank you! :biggrin:
Original post by Tootles
Well, I'm actually a novelist, and I had to unlearn a lot of the stuff I learned in school in order to make my work any good. Teachers often seem teach you that lots of long words are a substitute for actual creativity, but if you're telling a story, make the writing simple. For exmaple, why would you say the domesticated feline reclined on the Axminster when the cat sat on the mat would do the same job?

I agree with your point. But I also had a good chuckle at your comment because you definitely come across as a person that doesn't pussyfoot around, I liked how straight to the point it was. What genre do you specialise in?
Original post by Natalia C
Thank you so much! I love it, some of the words you've changed were actually the ones i used in the first place, but you're right they sound much better. I love it, and yet again thank you! :biggrin:

You're welcome, glad you like it and that I was able to help. It's funny that sometimes it just take a different set of eyes to help. Good luck for the exam!
Original post by lavender_rose
I agree with your point. But I also had a good chuckle at your comment because you definitely come across as a person that doesn't pussyfoot around, I liked how straight to the point it was. What genre do you specialise in?

I should probably rein that in a little, I'm hoping to actually go and teach secondary school English... :K:

Sci-fi/fantasy :smile:
Original post by Tootles
I should probably rein that in a little, I'm hoping to actually go and teach secondary school English... :K:

Sci-fi/fantasy :smile:

Probably for the best once you get in the classroom, you don't want little Johnny running home crying to his mum. Ooohh, sounds interesting are you selling any books at the moment? My sister is into writing too, she completed an English degree.
Original post by lavender_rose
Probably for the best once you get in the classroom, you don't want little Johnny running home crying to his mum. Ooohh, sounds interesting are you selling any books at the moment? My sister is into writing too, she completed an English degree.
I am, yes. I've got six books out and am sitting on the first couple of books of a YA urban fantasy series set in Manchester. I've got other ideas I'm working on slowly.

Spoiler

I think the way the education system is structured has some serious flaws, it seems as it is just an elaborate memory test. You selling on amazon, WHS or anywhere easily accessible?

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