Boyfriend won’t let me go on holiday?

My best friend recently invited me on holiday with her, I just need to book my flights. When I mentioned this to my bf, he told me that he would be very upset with me if I went but ultimately it was my decision. He says that he’ll be upset with me because last year he was invited on a lads holiday and I said to him, as he was in the midst of a bad depression and had abused alcohol and hard substances previously that I would be worried about him but that it was his choice, he ultimately didn’t go (Tbf, he always talks about going on holiday to belgium, spain, russia etc and none of those have ever come to fruition so I’m not sure he would have gone even if I supported him wholeheartedly!) I kinda understand where he is coming from, but I’m super bummed that I can’t go on holiday with my bestie, and my family think this is controlling behaviour- any opinions or advice on what i should do?

Reply 1

bones-mccoy

You advised him not to go due to his health and state of mind and he decided not to. You didn't stop him, it was still his decision.

Speak to him about why he doesn't want you to go, if it's because you didn't want him going away last year then explain the differences between the two situations. I wouldn't call it controlling behaviour from what you've said, from his point of view it's unfair that you didn't want him to go but he's expected to be okay with you going.

Reply 2

StriderHort

They're not comparable, you mentioned your concern because your BF was being unstable, he mentioned his because he wants his own back. Are YOU going through a coke fueled booze depression?

It's like if an alcoholic friend wants to go drinking, you're being a good friend by getting in their face, saying no and putting them on the spot. They don't get to do the same in return because you aren't an alcoholic and don;t give people cause for concern.

(edited 5 years ago)

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

My friend’s parent is a recovering alcoholic so - its unlikely!

Original post by StriderHort

They're not comparable, you mentioned your concern because your BF was being unstable, he mentioned his because he wants his own back. Are YOU going through a coke fueled booze depression?

Reply 4

1582

Volunteer Team

It's not his position to "let" or "not let" you go. He shouldn't get a say at all really. It's your business whether or not you want to go on holiday with your friend.

My best friend is getting married soon. She doesn't ask her fiancé if we can go on holiday together; she *tells* him she's going on holiday with me either as we're booking it or just after. He does the same when going away with his friends.

Reply 5

HoldThisL

No, your boyfriend will let you go on holiday but he would be upset.

You may have felt justified with whatever reason you gave to tell him you would prefer him to stay home so maybe now he feels like he deserves the same respect.

If my girlfriend said she'd be worried about me going, knowing that would dampen the mood on the whole holiday so I can understand why he stayed.

You weren't necessarily wrong to try and stop him, but you've set a precedent and you've both got to deal with it like adults.

Reply 6

doodle_333

Try to understand that he feels you did the same to him... It's not about whether that's right but how he feels.

I think you need to tell him that you're sorry that happened and you won't do it again and then do what you want.

Reply 7

mgi

Original post by Anonymous

This is controlling behaviour. You are entitled to go on holiday with your best friend. Why does he think he can decide this for you,? Respect your self.

Reply 8

Anonymous #2

This is extremely childish on his part. I understand his thought process (probably thinks you going would be unfair on him -- even though you cannot change the past) but you need to explain how irrational and petty this is. He gains absolutely nothing from doing this. If he continues to insist you can't go then leave him cause -- as your family says -- that's extremely controlling. Please consider whether he might be controlling you with other things in the relationship as well cause I'm surprised you don't seem more angry about this.

I think it's probably also a good idea for you to reflect on whether it was a good idea to suggest he couldn't go on the lads holiday though. If he was going through a bad depression, this may have been a great way to cheer him up and telling him he shouldn't go perhaps made him feel even worse. You say he "previously" abused alcohol. If he doesn't drink at all anymore then imo you're right, a lads holiday probably wasn't right for him, but otherwise it may have been a good idea for him.

Reply 9

A BloodyBrit

Talk to him. If the behaviour continues then maybe you'll have to consider splitting up. If you receive abuse call the police

Reply 10

mgi

Original post by Anonymous

Go on holiday. Its your life.

Reply 11

Anonymous #3

Just to add a contrasting view, as people say it’s your life you get to choose what you want to do. But as does he. It’s his choice if he wants to be with a woman that would prefer to go abroad acting like a single woman, drinking alcohol around a bunch of guys am that are constantly trying to bed her, than to be with her man I know for me that’s a no no. Not for anyone I’m considering a serious relationship with. But to each their own.

This idea of entitlement, will see a lot of women adopting a bunch of cats rather than securing a husband.if you value your guy, Listen to him and try work out something out with him. If not find someone more suitable to your lifestyle.

Reply 12

Ariichu

Or maybe u could just go and talk to him, because u havent really told us enough information. He might be being controlling, or he might have an actual reason like u did, or maybe hes just trying to say that if you go he'll miss u so he wants u to stay with him. U dont know, so I dont know why other people seem to think that they know