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Did I get raped?

basically I went out got drunk last night took this guy back to my flat he kissed me but I only really invited him round to talk and get numbers anyway he carried on and took my clothes off I wanted to say no but because I was drunk I had no energy to do so the sex was horrible and it was over quite quick then he left, because I did not consent does this mean he raped me?

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Reply 1
Avatar for katf
katf
19
Yes. You didn't consent. He had no reasonable belief that you did consent. Not saying no doesn't mean that you by default said yes, lots of women freeze when they are raped.
No. There was implied consent, you invited him back, you did not give him any indication that you didn't consent. There is no reasonable possibility of conviction here.

That said, contact your local SARC (Sexual Assault Referral centre) using NHS choices, they will be able to help and advise. TSR is not the place.
Reply 3
Avatar for katf
katf
19
Original post by Anonymous
No. There was implied consent, you invited him back, you did not give him any indication that you didn't consent. There is no reasonable possibility of conviction here.

That said, contact your local SARC (Sexual Assault Referral centre) using NHS choices, they will be able to help and advise. TSR is not the place.


Simply inviting someone back (whilst drunk especially) does not imply consent. And many women freeze when they are assaulted. Often fear prevents speech. She didn't say that she wanted sex, or do anything to imply she did.
I'd say you got raped yes but I don't think the law classes him as a rapist, although you haven't told us much.

You should do as anon suggested.
Let's have a chat about consent.

If you ask someone if they want a cup of tea, they can either say yes or no. If they say yes and you make them a cup of tea, they don't have to drink it, even though you made it and they said yes to one. You can't force them to drink that tea or get angry at them because you made them tea and they didn't drink it. If they're so drunk, they're barely conscious, then you definitely can't force the tea down their throat.

OP invited him back with no intention of sex (said yes to the tea) but she didn't consent (she didn't drink the tea) and he took advantage (he forced her to drink the tea because he assumed she still wanted it). In another example, if I invited you into my home, is that an invitation to move in, eat my food, sleep in my bed? No. You get verbal consent first, when a person is conscious and coherent. It's worrying that you can't grasp the basics of consent.

@Manc Lass, he knew you were very drunk and that you couldn't have been in your right mind. Just because he came back to yours, that's not a signal of consent. He could be convicted if you reported him. Sorry that happened.
Original post by Anonymous
No. There was implied consent, you invited him back, you did not give him any indication that you didn't consent. There is no reasonable possibility of conviction here.

That said, contact your local SARC (Sexual Assault Referral centre) using NHS choices, they will be able to help and advise. TSR is not the place.
Original post by katf
Yes. You didn't consent. He had no reasonable belief that you did consent. Not saying no doesn't mean that you by default said yes, lots of women freeze when they are raped.


so do you think that its rape unless they say yes? in all circumstances?
Yes by definition it is rape because you did not give consent.
Original post by Anonymous
No. There was implied consent, you invited him back, you did not give him any indication that you didn't consent. There is no reasonable possibility of conviction here.

That said, contact your local SARC (Sexual Assault Referral centre) using NHS choices, they will be able to help and advise. TSR is not the place.


Implied consent is not good enough. Being drunk and inviting someone back to your room isn't consent either. Not saying no doesn't mean you said yes.
Inviting someone back does not mean that they have the right to rape you
Original post by Gent2324
so do you think that its rape unless they say yes? in all circumstances?


Yes
Reply 10
Avatar for katf
katf
19
Original post by Gent2324
so do you think that its rape unless they say yes? in all circumstances?


Unless there is evidence of both parties actively consenting, then it's rape. Not a hard concept, just ask.

One of my clients is selectively mute, she can speak but in situations where she's stressed she can't. This isn't uncommon. Therefore demanding that all women say no if they don't want sex is unreasonable, especially if said person is a stranger.
Original post by Gent2324
so do you think that its rape unless they say yes? in all circumstances?


Unless there's active consent then yes, that's literally the definition of rape...
Original post by MiracleLeaf
Yes


ok so using your logic, many couples rape eachother because they dont say "yes" before having sex.
Original post by katf
Unless there is evidence of both parties actively consenting, then it's rape. Not a hard concept, just ask.

One of my clients is selectively mute, she can speak but in situations where she's stressed she can't. This isn't uncommon. Therefore demanding that all women say no if they don't want sex is unreasonable, especially if said person is a stranger.

im not disagreeing with that. im disagreeing with what someone else said being that people (both men and women) always need to say yes to consent to sex, which is completely ridiculous since many people have sex without saying yes and its not rape
Original post by Stiff Little Fingers
Unless there's active consent then yes, that's literally the definition of rape...


then your answer is no. the question was asking if you think its rape unless they say yes, you answered saying there could be active consent. so your answer is really no not yes
Original post by Gent2324
ok so using your logic, many couples rape eachother because they dont say "yes" before having sex.

im not disagreeing with that. im disagreeing with what someone else said being that people (both men and women) always need to say yes to consent to sex, which is completely ridiculous since many people have sex without saying yes and its not rape


Before you have sex with someone, whether you're in a relationship with them or not, you have to check if it's okay and they want to do it
Original post by MiracleLeaf
Before you have sex with someone, whether you're in a relationship with them or not, you have to check if it's okay and they want to do it

when did i say you shouldnt do that?
you are the one that said you must say yes to have consensual sex not me.
according to you millions of people have probably raped eachother because they dont say yes everytime they have sex
Original post by Manc Lass
basically I went out got drunk last night took this guy back to my flat he kissed me but I only really invited him round to talk and get numbers anyway he carried on and took my clothes off I wanted to say no but because I was drunk I had no energy to do so the sex was horrible and it was over quite quick then he left, because I did not consent does this mean he raped me?


You should speak to the man involved. It appears you did not consent to his sexual advance and action. He may have thought there was implied consent.

Please speak to the guy, before you report to the Police. Maybe there is a way to resolve this without involving the authorities.

Next time, try not to get drunk where you lose the ability to properly take care of yourself. Also don't invite random people back to your place, the world is messed up.
Original post by Gent2324
when did i say you shouldnt do that?
you are the one that said you must say yes to have consensual sex not me.
according to you millions of people have probably raped eachother because they dont say yes everytime they have sex


What are you talking about? You can say yeah, okay, yes, I want to, etc... It's obviously not just the word 'yes', but variations?
Original post by -Eirlys-
Let's have a chat about consent.

If you ask someone if they want a cup of tea, they can either say yes or no. If they say yes and you make them a cup of tea, they don't have to drink it, even though you made it and they said yes to one. You can't force them to drink that tea or get angry at them because you made them tea and they didn't drink it. If they're so drunk, they're barely conscious, then you definitely can't force the tea down their throat.

OP invited him back with no intention of sex (said yes to the tea) but she didn't consent (she didn't drink the tea) and he took advantage (he forced her to drink the tea because he assumed she still wanted it). In another example, if I invited you into my home, is that an invitation to move in, eat my food, sleep in my bed? No. You get verbal consent first, when a person is conscious and coherent. It's worrying that you can't grasp the basics of consent.

@Manc Lass, he knew you were very drunk and that you couldn't have been in your right mind. Just because he came back to yours, that's not a signal of consent. He could be convicted if you reported him. Sorry that happened.

I think giving phone numbers and going back after a night out suggests, to most people, that the exchange will be more likely to do with sex than herbal tea.

I agree with your point, but the context implies that something might happen. Subtle cues are enough, e.g. reciprocating intimate touching or helping taking off clothes, that could imply consent.
Reply 19
Avatar for ANM775
ANM775
20
Original post by Manc Lass
basically I went out got drunk last night took this guy back to my flat he kissed me but I only really invited him round to talk and get numbers anyway he carried on and took my clothes off I wanted to say no but because I was drunk I had no energy to do so the sex was horrible and it was over quite quick then he left, because I did not consent does this mean he raped me?


considering the context [night out and bringing a guy home] and not rebuffing him when he made a move on you i'd say it wasn't rape

if you don't want sex then speak up
people arn't mind readers

any guy given that context would have assumed sex with on the cards [invite after a night out] and when you didn't rebuff him after him kissing and taking of your clothes he probably thought you were into it

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