My journey to overcome my Eating Disorder/My Eating Disorder - AMA [TW]

Trigger Warning - ED

CT note - Please ensure spoilers are used when discussing potentially triggering content. Please do not use graphic details (in relation to purging etc) when sharing experiences.

So this may be completely the wrong forum/wrong subject, but I've decided that I'm going to try to overcome my Eating Disorder, and more specifically my binge/purge part of my ED from today. I've kind of had enough of going through this every few days with binging/purging and I need somewhere to vent/document my journey as I try to overcome my urges to binge and purge.

A bit about me
So my ED has been going on for around two years now. It all started fairly harmlessly with dieting to lose a bit of weight. However, the dieting was perhaps a little too effective and I ended up restricting massively, abusing laxatives, etc. etc. I lost a ridiculous amount of weight in just over a year (in fact I lost around 110lbs, bringing me to a BMI of around 16). I was triggered into eating again by my friends this Christmas, but this basically became about binging, then I'd panic at binging and so would purge, hence the cycle I'm in now. I'm a healthy weight at present with a BMI of around 23.5, but I know that continuing on this path will change all that.

Why stop now?
I don't really want to carry on this way - the binging is no longer giving me any kind of high and the purging feels awful as I do it. I've damaged my throat several times, leading to at least one throat infection, and I suspect that I have caused some damage to my stomach. I know that now's the time to stop before it spirals fully out of control and I want to avoid treatment of any kind, so I want to help myself overcome it as much as possible.

Why this thread?
Well for a few reasons - 1) I've found that if I can write down/rationalise my desire to binge, I can then stop doing it, 2) I actually want to help others who may be feeling the same way, and 3) I want to try to remove some of the mystery surrounding eating disorders for people who perhaps don't know much about them/may be helping relatives or friends through it. I know that an AMA may seem a little inappropriate for this forum, but hopefully it'll be a useful format

(edited 4 years ago)

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Reply 1

drprval

definitely not inappropriate, it's great that you have found the confidence to talk about it and want to overcome it.

wishing you the best of luck. Xx

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

Original post by drprval

definitely not inappropriate, it's great that you have found the confidence to talk about it and want to overcome it.

wishing you the best of luck. Xx

Thanks - I binged and purged before I posted this thread, but it was the realisation during the purge that I need to stop that made me make this thread. I've binned the rest of my 'binge foods' - I have a list of foods I get such as biscuits which I'll then purge on when I get the urge. I've had a couple of urges to binge again since then, but I've resisted them so far.

Reply 3

drprval

that's great to hear. keep strong

Reply 4

Pathway

Good luck. ED's are hellish. :console:

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

Original post by Pathway

Good luck. ED's are hellish. :console:

Thanks - in a bizarre way I actually enjoyed anorexia in that I felt like I had so much control and could accomplish anything I wanted. My thinking was disordered of course, but at the time, it was an amazing feeling. My aim is just to stop the binging and purging for now, then to slowly increase my calorie intake up to what I should be eating a day. When I'm not binging and purging, the most I'll eat in a day is around 850 calories when in reality I need about 2100 (I'm ridiculously active), but it's one step at a time.

Reply 6

Pathway

Original post by Anonymous

I do sort of get a kick out of my anorexia too, but I hate what it does to those around me and what it's ruined for me. :dontknow:

Good luck. :console:

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

Original post by Pathway

I do sort of get a kick out of my anorexia too, but I hate what it does to those around me and what it's ruined for me. :dontknow:

Good luck. :console:

I know how you feel there - it's left a lot of friends worried for me, my work holding meetings about me (informally but still). I hate that because whereas in the past I felt my friends didn't care about one bit, now it feels too intrusive like they're still checking whether I'm eating.

Reply 8

Pathway

Original post by Anonymous

Have you told them you feel like it's too much/too intrusive?

Reply 9

Anonymous #1

Original post by Pathway

Have you told them you feel like it's too much/too intrusive?

Nope because I've kept my eating disorder a secret from everyone, even my family doesn't know, so I'd have to admit to everyone that I'm ill first before then saying that I find it too intrusive. My relationship with food is messed up though because of the pressure - if I can, I'll avoid eating in front of friends, but I have some who will pressure me into eating until I give in.

Reply 10

Pathway

Original post by Anonymous

Are you getting any sort of professional input?

Reply 11

Anonymous #1

Original post by Pathway

Are you getting any sort of professional input?

Nope, I've refused because I don't want any. I want to do this on my own if I can - I reckon if I can get over the binging, then that'll stop the purging and then I can start trying to eat normally again which I was doing slightly around Christmas time.

Reply 12

hello_shawn

Is it an "eating disorder" to be picky about the cost of food? Like feeling guilty for going to KFC when you can buy a bucket of frozen chicken for the same price as their meals?

Reply 13

Pathway

Original post by Anonymous

Good luck. But don't be afraid to seek help. At the very least you should probably get a check up (bloods, ECG, temp., etc.) done, just to make sure you're OK. Take care.

Reply 14

Pathway

Original post by hello_shawn

Is it an "eating disorder" to be picky about the cost of food? Like feeling guilty for going to KFC when you can buy a bucket of frozen chicken for the same price as their meals?

No.

Reply 15

Anonymous #2

I have no idea why but this triggered me. I have never been anorexic but restricting is something I used to do a lot but I just never lost any weight. I was never really overweight and I'm very tall so I don't really look overweight. After months of restricting I got into this mental state that whenever I eat something I need to throw it up. This started like last year and I was very scared. In around October 2018 was the first time I purged, but I hated it and I only did it if I felt I ate too much so maybe twice a week. Recently, over the last 2 weeks its been everyday. Every time I would get the feeling of being full, even if it was something so small, like 2 small brownies, I would throw it up as I enjoyed the feeling of being hungry as it reminded me of how strong I was and how I could control my eating. Last week was the worst I've been. I literally did not eat anything until 9pm every day, then I would throw all of it up. I ended up losing 5kg in less than a week. Every time I would throw up i would feel great. Yesterday was the last time I purged and when I ate today I really wanted to purge it so I literally cleaned the whole house to distract myself, and I regret it. I almost have a fear of gaining weight and I really regret not throwing it up and I feel heavy and guilty. Its too late to purge it now since it was about 8 hours ago.
I've had a throat infection twice, currently still recovering from one. The first time I felt so guilty because my whole family caught it and they don't even know how I got it. My mum couldn't go to work for a whole week, first time off work in 8 years, because of me. I hate myself for that. i don't know what to do rn.
Sorry its such a long message
'

(Original post by Anonymous)
So this may be completely the wrong forum/wrong subject, but I've decided that I'm going to try to overcome my Eating Disorder, and more specifically my binge/purge part of my ED from today. I've kind of had enough of going through this every few days with binging/purging and I need somewhere to vent/document my journey as I try to overcome my urges to binge and purge.

A bit about me
So my ED has been going on for around two years now. It all started fairly harmlessly with dieting to lose a bit of weight. However, the dieting was perhaps a little too effective and I ended up restricting massively, abusing laxatives, etc. etc. I lost a ridiculous amount of weight in just over a year (in fact I lost around 110lbs, bringing me to a BMI of around 16). I was triggered into eating again by my friends this Christmas, but this basically became about binging, then I'd panic at binging and so would purge, hence the cycle I'm in now. I'm a healthy weight at present with a BMI of around 23.5, but I know that continuing on this path will change all that.

Why stop now?
I don't really want to carry on this way - the binging is no longer giving me any kind of high and the purging feels awful as I do it. I've damaged my throat several times, leading to at least one throat infection, and I suspect that I have caused some damage to my stomach. I know that now's the time to stop before it spirals fully out of control and I want to avoid treatment of any kind, so I want to help myself overcome it as much as possible.

Why this thread?
Well for a few reasons - 1) I've found that if I can write down/rationalise my desire to binge, I can then stop doing it, 2) I actually want to help others who may be feeling the same way, and 3) I want to try to remove some of the mystery surrounding eating disorders for people who perhaps don't know much about them/may be helping relatives or friends through it. I know that an AMA may seem a little inappropriate for this forum, but hopefully it'll be a useful format

Reply 16

Anonymous #1

Original post by hello_shawn

Is it an "eating disorder" to be picky about the cost of food? Like feeling guilty for going to KFC when you can buy a bucket of frozen chicken for the same price as their meals?

Nope, that's basically just being money savvy. An eating disorder is where you have a disordered relationship with food itself. There are many different types of eating disorder from anorexia (where you restrict calories massively) to bulimia (where you binge until you have to purge) to orthorexia (where you can only eat certain types of food) to binge eating disorder.

Original post by Pathway

Good luck. But don't be afraid to seek help. At the very least you should probably get a check up (bloods, ECG, temp., etc.) done, just to make sure you're OK. Take care.

I had tests done a few months back and everything thankfully came back clear, so I've been very fortunate in that my vitals are normal.

Reply 17

drprval

no lol that's just being economically wise

Original post by hello_shawn

Is it an "eating disorder" to be picky about the cost of food? Like feeling guilty for going to KFC when you can buy a bucket of frozen chicken for the same price as their meals?

Reply 18

missboooky

I mean I don’t know what to do about mine I wouldn’t class it as as an eating disorder but I can’t really swallow foods.. I first had this when I was like 11 and it came back and it’s so irritating because i love food but I can’t eat it