My journey to overcome my Eating Disorder/My Eating Disorder - AMA [TW]

That's ok - I feel quite abrupt and disrespectful for correcting someone and I think it's why I'm anon at the moment, because I still think there's somewhat of a stigma surrounding men and eating disorders. It's one of the reasons I've not told anyone as well, well that and I think so much of this is caused by or related to anxiety - I've also got OCD and suffer from trichotillomania.

That's true, but one of my friends has gone through so much recently and is just rebuilding his life that I don't feel that I can burden him at all. I've been helping him through so much and to then ask for his help back feels so wrong when he's suffering so badly. Thank you for your offer of help though - I'll definitely be posting on here and quoting you and as I say, my offer of helping you always stands as well.

Don't feel disrespectful, you seem, and probably are, a really genuine, nice person. And tbh it's not strange for a male to have an eating disorder which is why I didn't want to assume you were female, I think generally males are better at hiding things like this as due to the pressure from society. But I'll tell you now male, female, no one deserves to feel like they can't express themselves because of gender. Feel free to tell anyone about what you're going through because at least 2 or 3 of your friends will be completely fine with it. If you don't feel comfortable, you 100% don't have to tell anyone, it all down to what makes you feel comfortable and happy.
I wish you all the best and don't forget, I'm here if you ever want to talk

Thanks - that helps a lot and to be fair, it's easier to fly under the radar with an eating disorder. Concerns weren't actually raised until I was down to 8 stone, so basically underweight for my height. Before that, no-one said a word. At the moment, I don't think I'll say anything - my parents don't even know about all this. Definitely and the same to you as well - if you ever need to talk, just post on here and I'll reply.

Idk why but I just can't stop. Everyone's been going on about the dangers and risks but none of them seem to scare me for some odd reason. I've purged twice today and if I eat anything else, I will do it again and I just can't help it.
It not even about the scale numbers anymore. Idk what to do now.
I'm 16 btw and its been going on since last year October, but it has been getting worse over the past couple of weeks/days.

I lowkey hate food omg. I used to starve/binge(1000cals was a binge for me) and restrict. Now I don’t and I really want to go back to the old me. I hate how I can’t control my cravings at all now. Calculating calories, happy to be hungry and weighting food was just so fun. I know I shouldn’t go back to how i was but I don’t know what to do.

Yep, same here. If I could avoid food and live without it, I would happily do so because it really annoys me how easy it is to mess with your relationship with food.

In other news, today's purging has given me my third throat infection in the space of three weeks, yay me!

Omg Yess that’s so true. Sigh.
I’m sorryyy to hear that ( that must feel awful. Hope you get better soon!!

Btw, do you have an ideal weight you want to be that keeps on triggering you to carry on purging? With me, I do, that’s why I kept in starving myself.

The best article I read compared eating disorders to alcoholism and drug addiction, but noted that our recovery is harder because while you can avoid alcohol and drugs, you can't avoid food.

I hate it so much because I know I've done it to myself and I never normally get sore throats or colds - it's harder to pass off in the summer as just another cold as well.

I got down to 105lbs when I had anorexia. I want to be back at 117lbs and I'm currently 140lbs. The reason I choose 117lbs is because it's the average weight of a super model, so I feel better about myself under that weight. What's your ideal weight out of interest?

OMG, that’s true. It’s crazy how food will always be in the back of our mind even though it’s the only thing we’re trying to avoid so much.

Don’t worry x. You’re on the path to recovery. Just remember it’ll get harder before it’ll get easier but it’ll be so worth it!

How long have you had anorexia for? You definitely went through a lot and I wish I could give you a hug
My ideal weight would be 110lbs because I always distilled in my mind that this is the perfect weight for a girl (stupidly)

You CAN stop, it's your ED telling you that you can't stop. What that really means is that you can't stop without feeling super uncomfortable. So it is possible to stop, you just need to find distractions and other coping mechanisms for after you eat. I absolutely hate the feeling of food sitting in my stomach and being full. My immediate thoughts are "I have to purge and/or restrict later. Maybe take laxatives too" and it is so easy to give in to them because they are your automatic thoughts. But a big part of stopping purging is learning to accept and sit with the feelings that come with eating. Yes, you might feel gross, disgusting, fat (this is how I feel)... but all feelings are just temporary. They will pass.
Even if you cry, it is better than purging. Some distractions I find helpful are watching YouTube/Netflix, doing adult colouring books, browsing online shops or washing my hair. The more you practice eating without purging afterwards, the easier it will become.

Do you have any 'safe' foods than don't make you want to purge as much? Even if it is something like a smoothie or soup, just something to help you practice keeping food down and not acting on the thoughts. xx

I also heard one person with anorexia who had recovered who said 'I'll still be counting calories for the rest of my life, but it'll be until I die at the age of 80 not 18'.

I'm hoping so, I reckon my weight's going to plummet as well before I recover properly.

So it's an odd one in that I used to be obese and decided I would lose weight. In 12 months, I lost around 100lbs and I lost another 10lbs over 6 months, so I was losing weight 18 months and became underweight and at some point in all of that I basically went from dieting to anorexia. Now that's also been accompanied by OCD which I've had since the age of 12 or 13 and which can be bad with stress and trichotillomania which I've had since the age of 10 - with that I've plucked all my eyelashes out before and have started plucking my leg hair out and hairs on my back. That's also been accompanied by low self-esteem which was compounded by working with someone for three years who basically told me I was crap and never gave me any positive encouragement, so I'm a mess mentally basically. Around Christmas, the anorexia waned because I started binging and purging and that developed into bulimia. The problem is that when I restrict now, I can only eat fruit and fish, so I'm developing orthorexia whereby I'm seeking to avoid carbs as much as possible. So essentially I've got restrictive anorexic and orthorexic tendencies until I binge/purge which is where it becomes bulimia.

It's strange how we're attracted to arbitrary numbers with our weight. Had I not been triggered into eating, my ultimate goal weight was 84lbs (6 stone exactly).

Your unhealthy diet surely seems effective. What time of things did you eat within that year? I used to eat only a bowl of cereal a day (245cals) for around 3 months. Found out I lost around 10 pounds so I decided to starve myself atleast 4 times a week. I felt so proud of myself wow. When I felt hungry while starving myself I’ll just try push it to the next day. If I felt hungry the next day I made sure I had to eat 6pm. For me, time was important I don’t know why.

Usually ED is accompanied by something. I wonder how many things go through your mind daily
Why did you only choose fruit and fish to eat when restricting?
I usually watch things to trigger me into starving and **** whenever I see myself eating “normally”. Do you?

At that point, anything I wanted provided that the total calorie intake was 1200 calories and that worked really, really well. I'm not sure I could eat just a bowl of cereal per day. Oddly with hunger, I now view that as such a healthy thing - it's my body basically burning fat in my mind. I've had a couple of occasions where I've come close to collapsing due to hunger, but I just drink something or chew on some gum and I'm fine.

So, so much. Basically imagine having a doppelganger that looks and sounds like you, but absolutely hates your guts and spends every living moment telling you how crap you are - that's what goes through my mind every single minute of every single day. It'll say to me 'you're too fat, you're ugly, you don't deserve to be loved, your friends only spend time with you out of pity, your friends don't really like you, you're crap, your work and writing (I write plays, scenelets, poetry, articles etc.) are terrible and anyone who says they like what you write is basically lying to your face, you're horrible as a person, nobody cares about you, you've never been loved and never will be loved, don't bother applying for that opportunity, you won't get it, you're a social outcast, you're weird and a freak' etc. etc. It's that kind of negative onslaught, but I can honestly say it has never, ever been a suicidal voice - it has told me that people wouldn't miss me if I were dead, but I have never, ever had a suicidal thought. I've had the negative voice in my head since around the age of 12 and it basically wasn't too bad; I could live with its negativity, but since the eating disorder started, I've just succumbed to it and I can't imagine life without it. I mentioned earlier in the thread I help everyone I can if they have a problem and that voice is the reason why: because I feel so, so crap about myself all day every day, I never want anyone to feel like that so will move heaven and earth to ensure that they don't.

With good, if I eat over 500 calories a day, I feel panicked by that and if I get close to a 1000 calories, my mind is racing. Food from restaurants etc. scares me and if any food item has more than 100 calories in it, I shun it because it makes me so, so afraid. I've missed birthdays, wedding receptions, and major events because I'm that terrified of eating out or if I do go, I won't order anything. Fish and fruit are simply because I won't purge them - they feel light enough that my mind feels calm with them in my stomach. I'll shun carbs if I can because the moment I have a carb my mind tells me two things '1) binge on carbs like crazy and 2) purge because carbs are bad for you'. In terms of what I watch, I used to watch 'Supersize vs. Superskinny', but since 'recovering' from anorexia, I can't as the sections on eating disorder recovery trigger me into recovering, but for me that's actually binge/purging.

Do you still see yourself collapsing? Do you collapse because you don’t have enough food or because your don’t eat anything at all?

I’m really sorry you have to overthink everything and continuously think about something. I know how it feels and it is HARD to deal with. Ever thought talking to a therapist might help a little?

Mine was similar, 800cal was the max for me. I once ate 1,300 cals and literally started crying. It’s like you did something so wrong and you’re getting punished with late night guilts and then you start thinking about ways way to get back at you body. Supersize vs. Superskinny was something I’ve watched too.

omg, I've watched basically all the supersized vs superskinny there is and I watch all the ED short film. Idk why I just find myself doing it

About last week when my parents were at work and my brother wasn't home, I didn't eat anything. I felt weak af but I kept telling myself I was strong and was able to do anything. Then I took a shower and I started feeling really hot and nauseous so I made the shower a bit colder and I started feeling better. Then I step out of the shower and I literally just fell forwards, and I blacked out for a few seconds. Then I realised, maybe I should eat something because if had blacked out for a long time no one would be there to help me and I could have hit my head hard. But guess what, I still didn't eat. I don't want to die or hurt myself but I can't stop with the constant thoughts of 'you're fat' 'you're ugly' 'no one will ever like you'.
For the whole half term. I didn't eat until 9 pm every day, and when I did finally eat that meal, I would always throw it up, unless if its fish and salad.
Yesterday,I wasn't able to purge and I feel really bad. In the morning before my exams, I ate a slice of seeded bread toast - plain. I always like to eat at least something before my exams because I don't want this ED to affect my results. When I got home, I still didn't eat anything. When my mum got back from work at about 10 pm she bought me some kebab, which I didn't eat until 11pm and when I did I obviously felt terrible but I couldn't purge it or I was definitely going to be caught so I just tried to forget about it. And now I feel so terrible still about what happened yesterday so I'll restrict and won't eat until 9pm and hopefully, I'll feel better.

Literally I’ll watch one episode and I’m ready to restrict everything because of how disgusting they make food look like and how supersized the people are. Then I don’t eat so I don’t reach there weight even though I know I wouldn’t.