I keep thinking about the week leading up to A's death. About a week before I came home from my second year at university, I found it difficult. I didn't (and still don't) like being home. Got off to a bad start, my mum told me she had been diagnosed with cancer. She said they caught it early though, so she would be OK. She said that I didn't need to worry. I was worried. Why wouldn't I be?
I guess my dad was stressed out too, we were having so many arguments, so much so that I actually walked out and went across London. Stayed at a friends house. Big no-no to my dad (he's middle eastern). But I didn't care. I couldn't deal with all the stress. I feel bad for that. I dunno why. I thought that if I wasn't there, then he'd be less grouchy, better environment for my mum? I'm not sure. I regret not using this time to go and see A sooner, though. I regret it so much. I never saw her alive. Last thing she said to me in person was to "keep going". Wish I could've said the same to her. I should have been there. I wasn't.
The day before A died, I remember meeting up with E. She just got her driving licence. I christened her car (her dad later put that name on her number plate). We were just chilling in the park, just trying to catch up. Took so many ridiculous pictures. I can actually pin point the before and after A died in my camera roll, lol, I dunno why my brain has done that. It's like it placed a bookmark or something. Before and after. We both looked so innocent in the pictures, like looking back at them now. It's not that we hadn't both had our own set of issues or trauma growing up, we had, but I can't quite describe it as anything else. We discussed going to see A at the psychiatric unit she was in, we both hadn't seen her in a little while for different reasons, nothing malicious, just life I guess. discussed life. Told her about my mum's diagnosis. Talked for hours. Laughed nervously at a guy kicking and screaming at a bin. Kinda weird. Went home. Went to sleep.
Something weird happened though, and this isn't unusual for me, but I woke up. Bad dream. Felt odd, something didn't feel right. Didn't think anything of it, tried to go back to sleep. When I woke up a few hours later, realised my phone was dead. Put it on charge, switched it on. Blew up with notifications, so many voice mails, texts. Everything. So many people. I was like holy **** what is happening. S called before I looked through anything, said I needed to call E. It was urgent. That they had been trying to contact me for hours. Said it was over, wouldn't say what was over. I kept getting frustrated. She wouldn't say what was "over." Got annoyed, hung up. Phoned E. I don't remember exactly what she said, but I remember my reply, I basically said this wasn't funny, don't take the piss. She said it wasn't a joke. Said to come down to hers. Said she was sorry.
I was stunned. Had to be a joke. A always survived. No matter what she did, she survived. I was convinced this was all an elaborate hoax, I called my mum, said "uh, I'm going to Es now, A killed herself, I don't know when I'll be back home" and then I hung up. My mum didn't get to speak. My mum told me a few years later she actually ended up crying at her desk, no pupils around (she works in a school). Got ready. I remember looking at my reflection and not recognising myself. I don't know why, I just didn't. This had happened before during periods of severe trauma growing up, so I suppose that might be why.
The rest of the day was a blur. I remember sort of speaking to A's mum, but not what was said. Think it was something about going to see her body. I don't know. I didn't cry until we were leaving to catch the bus home. I cried on the bus. Like those gross ugly cries. I felt like a part of me had died. It was horrific. It still is. It's like there's this massive gaping hole and with every person I lose it just gets bigger. My dad told me to stop crying, to get over it when I got home. I'll never forgive him for that. Callous human being. But what should I have expected. He terrorised me growing up. At least I know I'll never be like him. Few months ago he was informed a friend of his had died. I was the only person in the house, he was crying. I was about to leave for therapy. I could've just left him to sob. I didn't. I gave him a hug and said I was sorry for his loss. I'm the bigger person. Least I didn't stoop to his level.
Not sure what the point in writing this was, but yeah. Probably one of the worst weeks of my life.