Original post by AnonymousAt that point, anything I wanted provided that the total calorie intake was 1200 calories and that worked really, really well. I'm not sure I could eat just a bowl of cereal per day. Oddly with hunger, I now view that as such a healthy thing - it's my body basically burning fat in my mind. I've had a couple of occasions where I've come close to collapsing due to hunger, but I just drink something or chew on some gum and I'm fine.
So, so much. Basically imagine having a doppelganger that looks and sounds like you, but absolutely hates your guts and spends every living moment telling you how crap you are - that's what goes through my mind every single minute of every single day. It'll say to me 'you're too fat, you're ugly, you don't deserve to be loved, your friends only spend time with you out of pity, your friends don't really like you, you're crap, your work and writing (I write plays, scenelets, poetry, articles etc.) are terrible and anyone who says they like what you write is basically lying to your face, you're horrible as a person, nobody cares about you, you've never been loved and never will be loved, don't bother applying for that opportunity, you won't get it, you're a social outcast, you're weird and a freak' etc. etc. It's that kind of negative onslaught, but I can honestly say it has never, ever been a suicidal voice - it has told me that people wouldn't miss me if I were dead, but I have never, ever had a suicidal thought. I've had the negative voice in my head since around the age of 12 and it basically wasn't too bad; I could live with its negativity, but since the eating disorder started, I've just succumbed to it and I can't imagine life without it. I mentioned earlier in the thread I help everyone I can if they have a problem and that voice is the reason why: because I feel so, so crap about myself all day every day, I never want anyone to feel like that so will move heaven and earth to ensure that they don't.
With good, if I eat over 500 calories a day, I feel panicked by that and if I get close to a 1000 calories, my mind is racing. Food from restaurants etc. scares me and if any food item has more than 100 calories in it, I shun it because it makes me so, so afraid. I've missed birthdays, wedding receptions, and major events because I'm that terrified of eating out or if I do go, I won't order anything. Fish and fruit are simply because I won't purge them - they feel light enough that my mind feels calm with them in my stomach. I'll shun carbs if I can because the moment I have a carb my mind tells me two things '1) binge on carbs like crazy and 2) purge because carbs are bad for you'. In terms of what I watch, I used to watch 'Supersize vs. Superskinny', but since 'recovering' from anorexia, I can't as the sections on eating disorder recovery trigger me into recovering, but for me that's actually binge/purging.