A Pathway Through Grief (A blog)
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Original post by mysticalfluffy
Off out now, but commenting so I can bookmark this 
Thank you.
Take care.I keep imagining what must've happened to K. So ****ing gruesome. I know her mum saw the CCTV, she explicitly asked to see it for some reason. I haven't. Don't want to. But my brain keeps imagining it. Used to think the weird decay hallucination problem I had seeing A was bad, and I mean, it is, but this is just so violent. Idk.
Wish my brain would just not. I'm so ****ing tired I just want to sleep.
She's probably the one I feel most guilty about. Honestly, I just despise myself. Just ****ing hate this entire problem. You can't fix it and you just have to accept it. I, quite plainly, do not want to accept it lmfao. Absolutely none of it regarding any of them. Ugh.
I still sometimes wake up and forget they're dead. Good old CPTSD brain getting confused about time, thanks for that one too brain.
I'm so tired of this.
Wish my brain would just not. I'm so ****ing tired I just want to sleep.
She's probably the one I feel most guilty about. Honestly, I just despise myself. Just ****ing hate this entire problem. You can't fix it and you just have to accept it. I, quite plainly, do not want to accept it lmfao. Absolutely none of it regarding any of them. Ugh.
I still sometimes wake up and forget they're dead. Good old CPTSD brain getting confused about time, thanks for that one too brain.
I'm so tired of this.
Original post by Pathway
I keep imagining what must've happened to K. So ****ing gruesome. I know her mum saw the CCTV, she explicitly asked to see it for some reason. I haven't. Don't want to. But my brain keeps imagining it. Used to think the weird decay hallucination problem I had seeing A was bad, and I mean, it is, but this is just so violent. Idk.
Wish my brain would just not. I'm so ****ing tired I just want to sleep.
She's probably the one I feel most guilty about. Honestly, I just despise myself. Just ****ing hate this entire problem. You can't fix it and you just have to accept it. I, quite plainly, do not want to accept it lmfao. Absolutely none of it regarding any of them. Ugh.
I still sometimes wake up and forget they're dead. Good old CPTSD brain getting confused about time, thanks for that one too brain.
I'm so tired of this.
Wish my brain would just not. I'm so ****ing tired I just want to sleep.
She's probably the one I feel most guilty about. Honestly, I just despise myself. Just ****ing hate this entire problem. You can't fix it and you just have to accept it. I, quite plainly, do not want to accept it lmfao. Absolutely none of it regarding any of them. Ugh.
I still sometimes wake up and forget they're dead. Good old CPTSD brain getting confused about time, thanks for that one too brain.
I'm so tired of this.
Loads of hugs - should be on WA at least some of this evening if you need me
(If I don't reply it's coz Daddy TLG will of course come home at some point and start needing computer help
)
Hi Pathway 
I've just seen this and I'm defo watching it. Lots of love to my MHSS buddy, here for you always!
Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd
Loads of hugs - should be on WA at least some of this evening if you need me
(If I don't reply it's coz Daddy TLG will of course come home at some point and start needing computer help )
(If I don't reply it's coz Daddy TLG will of course come home at some point and start needing computer help
)Original post by Glaz Hi Pathway
I've just seen this and I'm defo watching it. Lots of love to my MHSS buddy, here for you always!
Hi Pathway I've just seen this and I'm defo watching it. Lots of love to my MHSS buddy, here for you always!
Thanks guys. Sorry about this. I just needed to be on my own for a bit. Hope you guys are alright. Around now if you need anything.
I wish I could actually see and believe that things could improve. I just don't see how it's possible, even if someone gave me a crystal ball and showed me I would think it's ********. From start to end my life has been awful, why would that change now? I know no one really wants to read this sort of ****, but it's true. It all feels pointless. I don't know what to do about it anymore, I feel like I can't do anything because I can't just displace my pain onto those I care about. No one really wants to deal with the hard stuff though, do they? Myself included.
I dunno. I just feel trapped and I hate it. If you know me, this feeling, being trapped, it's horrible for me. Maybe that's because of abuse or whatever, idk, but I don't think anyone really enjoys feeling trapped. Unable to escape, ask for help, anything. Hate it. I also hate needing help, but y'know. I can't do everything by myself, especially physically, thanks for that EDS. ha. I'm trying to change things, process stuff, but honestly, it still hurts all the same. Healthy intellectulisation doesn't really make a dent in the emotional ****ery that is suicide. That's just a fact. It's soul destroying. Perhaps that's why people recoil away from me, or maybe it's me recoilling from them. Afraid to be close. I dunno. Tbh I'm not a people person, I prefer being on my own, always have been, left to my own devices is just how I like it. Less chance of being hurt that way. Honestly, it makes me wonder how I have friends. I'm not great at it. Why else would 5 people I care about be dead, lmao. Jesus Christ. The self-hate is strong with this one lmao.
Before this **** gets reported, I'm fine. Just thinking out loud.
I dunno. I just feel trapped and I hate it. If you know me, this feeling, being trapped, it's horrible for me. Maybe that's because of abuse or whatever, idk, but I don't think anyone really enjoys feeling trapped. Unable to escape, ask for help, anything. Hate it. I also hate needing help, but y'know. I can't do everything by myself, especially physically, thanks for that EDS. ha. I'm trying to change things, process stuff, but honestly, it still hurts all the same. Healthy intellectulisation doesn't really make a dent in the emotional ****ery that is suicide. That's just a fact. It's soul destroying. Perhaps that's why people recoil away from me, or maybe it's me recoilling from them. Afraid to be close. I dunno. Tbh I'm not a people person, I prefer being on my own, always have been, left to my own devices is just how I like it. Less chance of being hurt that way. Honestly, it makes me wonder how I have friends. I'm not great at it. Why else would 5 people I care about be dead, lmao. Jesus Christ. The self-hate is strong with this one lmao.
Before this **** gets reported, I'm fine. Just thinking out loud.
So, I have pretty big issues with dissociation, I know it's because of various reasons, the main ones being trauma related and pain related, but it makes me question my reality a lot like, not in the haha "is this real life, or is this just fantasy" meme, I'm talking like full on existential crisis, depending on if my emotions are not invited. It can be quite unnerving when it's a bad day dissociation wise.
Anyway, my point is, because of this I feel like I often question whether or not any of this is even real. It really messes with my head, because when I realise it is real, that it all happened, it's like I'm shocked all over again. I dunno how to explain this, it's bizarre.
I feel like if there is a higher power (I'm an atheist), then why is this happening? like what? Why? I don't get it. Must be punishing me for something. I dunno. Must be a *****y person. I don't believe in a higher power, so I put it down to bad luck. The other problem is that eating disorders have incredibly high mortality rates, especially anorexia nervosa, so that could be why. Childhood trauma is a massive contributor as well (see ACE scores) - I read somewhere that an ace score of 6 or more increases your chance of completing a suicide attempt 3500% in adulthood, which is astounding if you think about it. They all had their fair share of trauma. 4/5 who died had eating disorders.
There could be any number of reasons. But I want to know why. From them. Just...why. Like I've said previously though, it won't change anything, could make it worse. I dunno.
I also know that exposure to suicide and suicidal behaviour makes people more at risk of it, but like that just makes me want to isolate myself more. But apparently that's bad. Like who even knows at this point. It's all stupid. Frustrated with life.
Anyway, my point is, because of this I feel like I often question whether or not any of this is even real. It really messes with my head, because when I realise it is real, that it all happened, it's like I'm shocked all over again. I dunno how to explain this, it's bizarre.
I feel like if there is a higher power (I'm an atheist), then why is this happening? like what? Why? I don't get it. Must be punishing me for something. I dunno. Must be a *****y person. I don't believe in a higher power, so I put it down to bad luck. The other problem is that eating disorders have incredibly high mortality rates, especially anorexia nervosa, so that could be why. Childhood trauma is a massive contributor as well (see ACE scores) - I read somewhere that an ace score of 6 or more increases your chance of completing a suicide attempt 3500% in adulthood, which is astounding if you think about it. They all had their fair share of trauma. 4/5 who died had eating disorders.
There could be any number of reasons. But I want to know why. From them. Just...why. Like I've said previously though, it won't change anything, could make it worse. I dunno.
I also know that exposure to suicide and suicidal behaviour makes people more at risk of it, but like that just makes me want to isolate myself more. But apparently that's bad. Like who even knows at this point. It's all stupid. Frustrated with life.
Original post by Pathway
So, I have pretty big issues with dissociation, I know it's because of various reasons, the main ones being trauma related and pain related, but it makes me question my reality a lot like, not in the haha "is this real life, or is this just fantasy" meme, I'm talking like full on existential crisis, depending on if my emotions are not invited. It can be quite unnerving when it's a bad day dissociation wise.
Anyway, my point is, because of this I feel like I often question whether or not any of this is even real. It really messes with my head, because when I realise it is real, that it all happened, it's like I'm shocked all over again. I dunno how to explain this, it's bizarre.
I feel like if there is a higher power (I'm an atheist), then why is this happening? like what? Why? I don't get it. Must be punishing me for something. I dunno. Must be a *****y person. I don't believe in a higher power, so I put it down to bad luck. The other problem is that eating disorders have incredibly high mortality rates, especially anorexia nervosa, so that could be why. Childhood trauma is a massive contributor as well (see ACE scores) - I read somewhere that an ace score of 6 or more increases your chance of completing a suicide attempt 3500% in adulthood, which is astounding if you think about it. They all had their fair share of trauma. 4/5 who died had eating disorders.
There could be any number of reasons. But I want to know why. From them. Just...why. Like I've said previously though, it won't change anything, could make it worse. I dunno.
I also know that exposure to suicide and suicidal behaviour makes people more at risk of it, but like that just makes me want to isolate myself more. But apparently that's bad. Like who even knows at this point. It's all stupid. Frustrated with life.
Anyway, my point is, because of this I feel like I often question whether or not any of this is even real. It really messes with my head, because when I realise it is real, that it all happened, it's like I'm shocked all over again. I dunno how to explain this, it's bizarre.
I feel like if there is a higher power (I'm an atheist), then why is this happening? like what? Why? I don't get it. Must be punishing me for something. I dunno. Must be a *****y person. I don't believe in a higher power, so I put it down to bad luck. The other problem is that eating disorders have incredibly high mortality rates, especially anorexia nervosa, so that could be why. Childhood trauma is a massive contributor as well (see ACE scores) - I read somewhere that an ace score of 6 or more increases your chance of completing a suicide attempt 3500% in adulthood, which is astounding if you think about it. They all had their fair share of trauma. 4/5 who died had eating disorders.
There could be any number of reasons. But I want to know why. From them. Just...why. Like I've said previously though, it won't change anything, could make it worse. I dunno.
I also know that exposure to suicide and suicidal behaviour makes people more at risk of it, but like that just makes me want to isolate myself more. But apparently that's bad. Like who even knows at this point. It's all stupid. Frustrated with life.
This is a quote which I think sums up what I want to tell you:
Original post by Sirius Black
I want you to listen to me very carefully, Harry. You're not a bad person. You're a very good person, who bad things have happened to. Besides, the world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters.
Original post by Glaz
This is a quote which I think sums up what I want to tell you:
Haha, thank you.
I wish I knew what to say or how to help with your pain. But you're a great friend - please don't ever doubt that
Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd
I wish I knew what to say or how to help with your pain. But you're a great friend - please don't ever doubt that
Thank you.So, I had a nightmare where K was shouting at me and then something happened to her (same as what happened when she died but it was just er...bizarre, think anti gravity, I'm pretty sure we ended up in space or something) and I couldn't stop it so I feel guilty (naturally, when do I not feel guilty?!). I know it's stupid but I still have the hysterical crying in my head of the last phone call she made to me, it's like my brain has all these tabs open where it's recorded what happened and I just wanna Alt+F4 my brains' browser or something. Is that bad? I dunno. Just want it to stop.
Tbf, it's sort of like that for most things trauma related, like sure sometimes you can find the tab and mute it and then change the tab, or something, but sometimes, there's just so many bloody tabs open (including random **** like that song that won't get lost lol or things you need to do that day, or whatever), it gets overwhelming sometimes. I don't have anymore room for anything else. I feel like people don't necessarily realise how messed up you can be with complex PTSD. I feel like when I lay it all out on the table for people like psychiatrists they do the adult equivalent of sticking their fingers in their ears and screaming lalala at the top of their lungs. They see all the stuff and they don't know what to do with me, no one does. Honestly, I'm a lost cause.
I don't blame them for taking their lives, because they all had similar life experiences to me and when you're constantly told "we don't know what to do with you can you please remove yourselves" it does wear you down. Makes you feel even more worthless than you did initially. I was so naive before I started trying to get help, I honestly thought they were gonna know what to do with me, but they didn't. They definitely don't know. To many issues, compounding factors. Too problematic.
Funny because my dad used to call me a problem child, now I just have outside confirmation from people who I view as those with authority that I am in fact a problem and they do not want to deal with me. Although, my old psychiatrist did say he doesn't have authority...oh yeah, but like, you can literally take away my freedom if you so wished, lol, like that other moron, but of course you have no authority.
I digress, I will be left to rot. And I have to accept that.
Tbf, it's sort of like that for most things trauma related, like sure sometimes you can find the tab and mute it and then change the tab, or something, but sometimes, there's just so many bloody tabs open (including random **** like that song that won't get lost lol or things you need to do that day, or whatever), it gets overwhelming sometimes. I don't have anymore room for anything else. I feel like people don't necessarily realise how messed up you can be with complex PTSD. I feel like when I lay it all out on the table for people like psychiatrists they do the adult equivalent of sticking their fingers in their ears and screaming lalala at the top of their lungs. They see all the stuff and they don't know what to do with me, no one does. Honestly, I'm a lost cause.
I don't blame them for taking their lives, because they all had similar life experiences to me and when you're constantly told "we don't know what to do with you can you please remove yourselves" it does wear you down. Makes you feel even more worthless than you did initially. I was so naive before I started trying to get help, I honestly thought they were gonna know what to do with me, but they didn't. They definitely don't know. To many issues, compounding factors. Too problematic.
Funny because my dad used to call me a problem child, now I just have outside confirmation from people who I view as those with authority that I am in fact a problem and they do not want to deal with me. Although, my old psychiatrist did say he doesn't have authority...oh yeah, but like, you can literally take away my freedom if you so wished, lol, like that other moron, but of course you have no authority.
I digress, I will be left to rot. And I have to accept that.It's not stupid that your brain keeps replaying that last phonecall. And it's def not bad to want to be able to close some of those tabs that are open. You don't deserve any of this pain that you're in and I can see how it's unrelenting for you 
Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd
It's not stupid that your brain keeps replaying that last phonecall. And it's def not bad to want to be able to close some of those tabs that are open. You don't deserve any of this pain that you're in and I can see how it's unrelenting for you
I feel bad for wanting to forget that call, honestly it was probably one of the worst calls ever. The sound haunts me tbh. Lol. Whenever it's quiet I hear it in my head, it's weird. idk. I left her in that dump of a hospital and I knew she needed someone. She even asked T to tell me to call her at one point. I said no, she got violent with T. This whole thing is a mess. She reached out to me via text too, I knew she was doing OK by how she was texting (she wasn't in hospital at this time I don't think, last year was cluster **** tbf, I don't remember a whole lot of anything), and I ignored her. The others said I needed to focus on myself because she caused me a lot of issues (and I was getting threatened with being sectioned, as you know), I tried to help her for so many years, stopped her doing stupid **** constantly, tracked her down various times before she did whatever it was she was planning. Police always thanked me, she never did. But I abandoned her effectively when she actually needed someone. I feel so much guilt for that. I dunno what to do anymore.
I feel like I sort of deserve the pain each of them have passed on because I failed them in the worst possible way. And they paid for it with their lives. I dunno. I'm glad they're not hurting now. I just wish they didn't have to do that to get peace.
I honestly just hate myself, I dunno what else to say tbh.
(edited 4 years ago)
Original post by Pathway
I feel bad for wanting to forget that call, honestly it was probably one of the worst calls ever. The sound haunts me tbh. Lol. Whenever it's quiet I hear it in my head, it's weird. idk. I left her in that dump of a hospital and I knew she needed someone. She even asked T to tell me to call her at one point. I said no, she got violent with T. This whole thing is a mess. She reached out to me via text too, I knew she was doing OK by how she was texting (she wasn't in hospital at this time I don't think, last year was cluster **** tbf, I don't remember a whole lot of anything), and I ignored her. The others said I needed to focus on myself because she caused me a lot of issues (and I was getting threatened with being sectioned, as you know), I tried to help her for so many years, stopped her doing stupid **** constantly, tracked her down various times before she did whatever it was she was planning. Police always thanked me, she never did. But I abandoned her effectively when she actually needed someone. I feel so much guilt for that. I dunno what to do anymore.
I feel like I sort of deserve the pain each of them have passed on because I failed them in the worst possible way. And they paid for it with their lives. I dunno. I'm glad they're not hurting now. I just wish they didn't have to do that to get peace.
I honestly just hate myself, I dunno what else to say tbh.
I feel like I sort of deserve the pain each of them have passed on because I failed them in the worst possible way. And they paid for it with their lives. I dunno. I'm glad they're not hurting now. I just wish they didn't have to do that to get peace.
I honestly just hate myself, I dunno what else to say tbh.
I'm so sorry that you hate yourself so much. You don't deserve this pain - no one deserves to be bereaved by suicide, and you didn't fail them. The system did, but you didn't. There's only so much you can do as a sole person, or even within a small friendship group. You can't take illness away from people, you can't take suicidaity away from people, and you can't force services to do their jobs adequately, let alone properly
You didn't fail anyone. You especially didn't fail K. You can't actively help someone who was threatening to kill you hun
Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd
I'm so sorry that you hate yourself so much. You don't deserve this pain - no one deserves to be bereaved by suicide, and you didn't fail them. The system did, but you didn't. There's only so much you can do as a sole person, or even within a small friendship group. You can't take illness away from people, you can't take suicidaity away from people, and you can't force services to do their jobs adequately, let alone properly
You didn't fail anyone. You especially didn't fail K. You can't actively help someone who was threatening to kill you hun
You didn't fail anyone. You especially didn't fail K. You can't actively help someone who was threatening to kill you hun
I know, but I still feel like I should've done more or something. I know it was their choice...I just miss her, miss them all. I'm glad they aren't suffering but doesn't make it feel any better from my perspective. Call me selfish, I don't care.
Yeah, I know she said vile ****, I doubt she would've done anything, ah. I miss her, but especially the friendship we had in school. It's just bittersweet now.
My mum said I should've asked my GP about bereavement counselling today, but tbh like where do I start with any of this stuff. There's too many moving parts to my life, even just relating to this suicide/drug ****. It's just too much and I'm a lazy idiot and I don't want to deal with it rn. It's hard enough existing let alone actually participating properly in therapy or counselling. I just don't have the energy.
Original post by Pathway
I know, but I still feel like I should've done more or something. I know it was their choice...I just miss her, miss them all. I'm glad they aren't suffering but doesn't make it feel any better from my perspective. Call me selfish, I don't care.
Yeah, I know she said vile ****, I doubt she would've done anything, ah. I miss her, but especially the friendship we had in school. It's just bittersweet now.
My mum said I should've asked my GP about bereavement counselling today, but tbh like where do I start with any of this stuff. There's too many moving parts to my life, even just relating to this suicide/drug ****. It's just too much and I'm a lazy idiot and I don't want to deal with it rn. It's hard enough existing let alone actually participating properly in therapy or counselling. I just don't have the energy.
Yeah, I know she said vile ****, I doubt she would've done anything, ah. I miss her, but especially the friendship we had in school. It's just bittersweet now.
My mum said I should've asked my GP about bereavement counselling today, but tbh like where do I start with any of this stuff. There's too many moving parts to my life, even just relating to this suicide/drug ****. It's just too much and I'm a lazy idiot and I don't want to deal with it rn. It's hard enough existing let alone actually participating properly in therapy or counselling. I just don't have the energy.
Given your own health issues and the circumstances, I doubt you could have done much more. You are not responsible for what happened to them
It's not selfish, btw - I'd never call you selfish for that. You're not a lazy idiot either 
Understandable to not have the energy to think about bereavement counselling atm
I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now
Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd
Given your own health issues and the circumstances, I doubt you could have done much more. You are not responsible for what happened to them It's not selfish, btw - I'd never call you selfish for that. You're not a lazy idiot either
Understandable to not have the energy to think about bereavement counselling atm
I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now
It's not selfish, btw - I'd never call you selfish for that. You're not a lazy idiot either Understandable to not have the energy to think about bereavement counselling atm
I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now
It's OK. Not your fault. I'm just having a mope.
Thanks for listening. I do appreciate it.
I've been sitting here for about an hour trying to figure out how to explain what I'm thinking, but I feel like everything I do is because of trauma. I just don't feel like a person. I feel like a fraud, lol. How can you change that? I feel like I'm just a bunch of traumas all shoved into this body that also doesn't feel like my own.
I feel like if I even had a "real" me it wouldn't be a nice person. Honestly, I just don't know really how to a) know who I am and b) how to actually improve things. My sense of self is so intensely negative and I have almost nothing nice to say about my self that I actually agree with and the things I would assume other people would say that are "nice" I would have arguments to counter. I just dunno. I just feel like a fake. And besides, I still don't know who I am without all the trauma because everything in my life is tainted by it in some fashion it's stupid. I honestly just hate it all.
I feel like this grief just makes this all worse because it's like what if I'm only helping people now in an attempt to help myself feel less awful and guilty about my friends being dead? God, that just makes me sound like an awful excuse for a person. I dunno. Simultaneously I also feel like I don't deserve to move on from their deaths or my other traumas for various reasons, I just have such an overwhelming sense of guilt for my existence, like maybe if I didn't exist this would've been different.
I feel like if I even had a "real" me it wouldn't be a nice person. Honestly, I just don't know really how to a) know who I am and b) how to actually improve things. My sense of self is so intensely negative and I have almost nothing nice to say about my self that I actually agree with and the things I would assume other people would say that are "nice" I would have arguments to counter. I just dunno. I just feel like a fake. And besides, I still don't know who I am without all the trauma because everything in my life is tainted by it in some fashion it's stupid. I honestly just hate it all.
I feel like this grief just makes this all worse because it's like what if I'm only helping people now in an attempt to help myself feel less awful and guilty about my friends being dead? God, that just makes me sound like an awful excuse for a person. I dunno. Simultaneously I also feel like I don't deserve to move on from their deaths or my other traumas for various reasons, I just have such an overwhelming sense of guilt for my existence, like maybe if I didn't exist this would've been different.
Hmmmm, so stigma. You know, I think a lot of that is rooted in language. Like the way we talk about things and the words we use, they're important. It shapes how we feel about a topic. I think that, going forward, I'd like to use different language when talking about my bereavements. I want to try to refrain from using words like "committed" and similar. It's not a crime, what they did. It isn't, sure it's devastating, but it's not a crime. I think that language perpetuates this stigma and also causes isolation for people who have been bereaved. I'm fed up of feeling isolated by it. So I need to help myself out by showing people that it's OK to talk about it, and not taboo, but that starts with changing the language. You need to frame things differently to get a different point of view. Sure it is nuanced, but nuances matter.
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