Ex employer said she'd give me a reference but is now ignoring me

I used to babysit for her. I have anxiety and have never had a customer-facing job, so it took a lot for me to volunteer at a charity shop to get some customer service experience. The charity shop requires a reference so I asked my ex employer for one and she said she'd do it. I gave the shop her details and ever since then she's been ignoring the shop and my texts. Not sure what to do because I can't start until she writes me one. It's awkward to remind her any more times. My anxiety is through the roof. I don't even want money, I just need customer service experience because no one will hire me. I'm 18 and this is my first taste of the adult world, having responsibilities etc and I already feel so worn out and terrified and sick. If something like this shakes me so much and stops me from sleeping at night how am I going to deal with real problems?

I used to babysit for her. I have anxiety and have never had a customer-facing job, so it took a lot for me to volunteer at a charity shop to get some customer service experience. The charity shop requires a reference so I asked my ex employer for one and she said she'd do it. I gave the shop her details and ever since then she's been ignoring the shop and my texts. Not sure what to do because I can't start until she writes me one. It's awkward to remind her any more times. My anxiety is through the roof. I don't even want money, I just need customer service experience because no one will hire me. I'm 18 and this is my first taste of the adult world, having responsibilities etc and I already feel so worn out and terrified and sick. If something like this shakes me so much and stops me from sleeping at night how am I going to deal with real problems?

You shouldn't need a reference to volunteer. Your not even being paid.

You shouldn't need a reference to volunteer. Your not even being paid.

Sometimes you have to be pushy in order to get what you want but if you don't feel comfortable asking her again then try someone else. Charity shops are generally more lenient when it comes to references, even a neighbour who's known you a decent amount of time and has a ~respected~ job could be okay.

I used to babysit for her. I have anxiety and have never had a customer-facing job, so it took a lot for me to volunteer at a charity shop to get some customer service experience. The charity shop requires a reference so I asked my ex employer for one and she said she'd do it. I gave the shop her details and ever since then she's been ignoring the shop and my texts. Not sure what to do because I can't start until she writes me one. It's awkward to remind her any more times. My anxiety is through the roof. I don't even want money, I just need customer service experience because no one will hire me. I'm 18 and this is my first taste of the adult world, having responsibilities etc and I already feel so worn out and terrified and sick. If something like this shakes me so much and stops me from sleeping at night how am I going to deal with real problems?

How long ago did the shop ask for a reference? It's normal to have to wait a week or two for people to process these things. She might be on holiday or be busy with other things at the moment and will get to it when she has time. This is really normal and not something to stress over.

If it's been more than about 3 weeks or so, it's worth calling her to see what's going on, but if she says that she doesn't want to be reference anymore, there's unfortunately not much you can do.

Are you seeking help for your anxiety?

The shop asked me for 2 references around 3 weeks ago. I got 1 from a teacher who luckily checked her college email during the summer holiday. She responded to the shop 2 DAYS LATER. I contacted my ex employer around the same time. She initially responded to me 10 minutes later saying that she'd be happy to do it. Then didn't respond to me or the shop for 2 weeks because she 'was away'. Then she told me she hadn't received the email and asked me to ask them to resend it, which made me feel really unprofessional asking them to do that but I did it anyway. I let her know 1 week ago that they had resent it and she still hasn't replied to me, nor to the shop's email. The shop has very kindly let me work a little bit even though I don't have both references yet, but if someone higher up finds out they could get in a lot of trouble because of me. I feel awful because they have been so so nice to me but I feel like it's all going to get ruined because the 4th week is coming up of me not having a 2nd reference because this woman won't respond to me or the shop. I don't have any other people that could write me a reference because college is closed. I'm not sure what else to say to her to get her to write it. The last thing I said to her was 'it has been resent'.

I used to babysit for her. I have anxiety and have never had a customer-facing job, so it took a lot for me to volunteer at a charity shop to get some customer service experience. The charity shop requires a reference so I asked my ex employer for one and she said she'd do it. I gave the shop her details and ever since then she's been ignoring the shop and my texts. Not sure what to do because I can't start until she writes me one. It's awkward to remind her any more times. My anxiety is through the roof. I don't even want money, I just need customer service experience because no one will hire me. I'm 18 and this is my first taste of the adult world, having responsibilities etc and I already feel so worn out and terrified and sick. If something like this shakes me so much and stops me from sleeping at night how am I going to deal with real problems?

Could the emails be going to her junk folder?

I would call her- rather than text or email- and talk through the situation. If she can't find the email, maybe talk her through looking in her junk folder, or maybe ask her to email someone at the shop so that they can send the email in reply to her.

If she just hasn't got around to it yet, asking her nicely over the phone may be enough to get her to commit.

Or maybe they're asking her to do something a lot more onerous and involved than she expected and she's now no longer up for it? In which case, at least you'll know and you can move forwards and see if the shop can hold a position for you until September when someone from college can reply.

The thing is, your college teacher is likely to have some experience giving references, and also is probably not very busy at the moment. This woman may have never given a reference before and be nervous about doing it or just have other priorities.

You can't make her do it, but I'd suggest calling her as a last attempt to get her to do it.

If I feel too scared to text her, how can you expect me to call her? I give up

If you're not willing to contact her, how do you expect to sort the situation out?

If you feel genuinely scared about sending her a polite text, I'd suggest that sorting out your anxiety should be your priority, before worrying about looking for a job.

I have texted her 3 times in a row without a response, even people without anxiety would feel uncomfortable with phoning them after that.
My anxiety is a lot better than it was a few years ago. I need to stop being a pussy and sort out my life. First priority is getting customer service experience so that maybe finally one day I will get a real part time job and earn money. What other people get straight out of secondary school is still a distant dream for me even as a nearly 19 year old. I need to fix my life, not pop pills that will make my brain slow.

They might feel uncomfortable, but they'd probably get on with it and do it in this situation, because they need the reference. If you want to be successful in a job, you'll need to be able to deal with things you find uncomfortable sometimes, especially in customer service.

There are lots of different treatments for anxiety out there, and I really do think you should try to speak to someone about them, because they could make a real difference to your life.

Then I have no choice but to give up. None of these solutions are possible for me. I can't believe life is so difficult and demanding that even someone with mild anxiety can't participate or function. I wonder how people with real problems manage. I completely give up.

It sounds like you think you could get a second reference in September from your college? So if you're not willing to contact the woman you babysat for, then your other option is to talk to the charity shop and ask if they will still be able to offer you volunteering in September.

Adult life is stressful- there are always loads of hoops to jump through, loads of things you have to chase up, there's always some inconvenience that makes things that should be straightforward end up becoming stressful. I'm not saying this to be a ****, I'm just explaining.

If making a phone call in this situation is that daunting to you that it makes you feel like your life is hopeless, I'd honestly suggest that your mental health difficulties aren't as mild as you think. I really do think that it will make your life much easier long term if you're able to get some support with these.

It sounds like you think you could get a second reference in September from your college? So if you're not willing to contact the woman you babysat for, then your other option is to talk to the charity shop and ask if they will still be able to offer you volunteering in September.

Adult life is stressful- there are always loads of hoops to jump through, loads of things you have to chase up, there's always some inconvenience that makes things that should be straightforward end up becoming stressful. I'm not saying this to be a ****, I'm just explaining.

If making a phone call in this situation is that daunting to you that it makes you feel like your life is hopeless, I'd honestly suggest that your mental health difficulties aren't as mild as you think. I really do think that it will make your life much easier long term if you're able to get some support with these.