Journey back to Islam!

good luck

I've been wanting to keep up a small journal/blog thing so I can keep up with everything and discuss things with fellow Muslims/interested non-Muslims.

I was debating doing this anonymous, but decided that I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. No I wasn't the perfect Muslim, and I'm still not - no one is. But I'm sorting myself out and becoming a better Muslimah day by day.

When I was a kid, I was sexually abused. Then, when I was older, I became deeply depressed. Both of which meant I strayed away from Islam. My family is very religious, so me not practising meant I often lied about praying and reading the Qu'ran. I always had this inner-guilt, and when my father had heart surgery this year, I listened to my guilt, started to open myself up to Allah swt again and felt at peace.

However, after that, I got these flashbacks of the sexual abuse. So not only did I have random memories (more like bits and pieces) when I was younger, I had literal flashbacks of the events and I couldn't control them. I'd have them during an exam, at work, eating. It was terrible and suffocating.

I strayed further. I didn't go back to square 1, more like -10. Not only did I stop practising again, I questioned everything I knew about Islam. I blamed Allah for giving me such hardship at a terrible time, it was as if as soon as I started practising, I was punished with these disgusting flashbacks.

That was until June. I did my A2 exams this year. So simply put, my revision was heavily impacted by the flashbacks. For one of my exams, a content based essay subject, I did nothing until the night before. I made notes a while ago but didn't learn/read it through until the night before. This paper was the biggest one, and had the most content and the hardest. I ended up learning less than half, and I didn't sleep all night because my heart was POUNDING. I thought I was having a heart attack, my body hurt, I was sweating but freezing. It was the worst time of my life, and to this day when I remember it, I cringe.

I was going to tell my mum about the flashbacks so I didn't have to do the exam. I was going to re-take, but in my mind I heard something telling me to do it. At this point, I have nothing to lose. I went in, I saw the exam paper and guess what? Everything that came up was what I actually learnt (except one smaller essay question). I literally went to the toilets and cried. I don't think I've ever been that grateful, and I don't care if it sounds dramatic. It seemed everything was going wrong in my life and this meant everything to me. I suddenly felt a feeling of fulfilment, and I felt Allah's unconditional love. It still makes me tear up.

Ever since, I've been trying (and struggling) to practise again. It's hard. I forgot most surahs, how to pray and how to read Arabic. I've had to do it alone because I don't want my family to know (because I know I'd end up telling them why I stopped practising).

I hope I can open up a healthy discussion about reverts/converts/Muslims/interested people. It's easy to assume every Muslim prays 5 times a day, fasts every Monday and Thursday and that's it. Of course that's my goal, but I'm not there yet.

So, I'll be updating when I can, and even if no one reads or replies, I hope it makes me feel better about my progress, because I feel I haven't made a lot which is disheartening.

May we all seek comfort and guidance in Allah swt. Ameen.

Thank you for sharing!

Thank you for sharing this, I hope you find your peace again xx

I've been wanting to keep up a small journal/blog thing so I can keep up with everything and discuss things with fellow Muslims/interested non-Muslims.

I was debating doing this anonymous, but decided that I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. No I wasn't the perfect Muslim, and I'm still not - no one is. But I'm sorting myself out and becoming a better Muslimah day by day.

When I was a kid, I was sexually abused. Then, when I was older, I became deeply depressed. Both of which meant I strayed away from Islam. My family is very religious, so me not practising meant I often lied about praying and reading the Qu'ran. I always had this inner-guilt, and when my father had heart surgery this year, I listened to my guilt, started to open myself up to Allah swt again and felt at peace.

However, after that, I got these flashbacks of the sexual abuse. So not only did I have random memories (more like bits and pieces) when I was younger, I had literal flashbacks of the events and I couldn't control them. I'd have them during an exam, at work, eating. It was terrible and suffocating.

I strayed further. I didn't go back to square 1, more like -10. Not only did I stop practising again, I questioned everything I knew about Islam. I blamed Allah for giving me such hardship at a terrible time, it was as if as soon as I started practising, I was punished with these disgusting flashbacks.

That was until June. I did my A2 exams this year. So simply put, my revision was heavily impacted by the flashbacks. For one of my exams, a content based essay subject, I did nothing until the night before. I made notes a while ago but didn't learn/read it through until the night before. This paper was the biggest one, and had the most content and the hardest. I ended up learning less than half, and I didn't sleep all night because my heart was POUNDING. I thought I was having a heart attack, my body hurt, I was sweating but freezing. It was the worst time of my life, and to this day when I remember it, I cringe.

I was going to tell my mum about the flashbacks so I didn't have to do the exam. I was going to re-take, but in my mind I heard something telling me to do it. At this point, I have nothing to lose. I went in, I saw the exam paper and guess what? Everything that came up was what I actually learnt (except one smaller essay question). I literally went to the toilets and cried. I don't think I've ever been that grateful, and I don't care if it sounds dramatic. It seemed everything was going wrong in my life and this meant everything to me. I suddenly felt a feeling of fulfilment, and I felt Allah's unconditional love. It still makes me tear up.

Ever since, I've been trying (and struggling) to practise again. It's hard. I forgot most surahs, how to pray and how to read Arabic. I've had to do it alone because I don't want my family to know (because I know I'd end up telling them why I stopped practising).

I hope I can open up a healthy discussion about reverts/converts/Muslims/interested people. It's easy to assume every Muslim prays 5 times a day, fasts every Monday and Thursday and that's it. Of course that's my goal, but I'm not there yet.

So, I'll be updating when I can, and even if no one reads or replies, I hope it makes me feel better about my progress, because I feel I haven't made a lot which is disheartening.

May we all seek comfort and guidance in Allah swt. Ameen.

hiii, i want to join you on your journey !! even i personally want to get on the path back to isam. i am aslo female and in the same situation as you xx

As salam alaikum sister, awesome to hear that you're coming back to the deen alhamdulilah
Although it might be tempting to go hard straight away remember to pace yourself, like you mentioned you have your goals in mind and I make dua that Allah swt gives you barakah in achieving them

Alhamdullilah. Jazak’Allah for your kind words and duas, I’ll make dua that you are truly rewarded. I’ll make an update tomorrow but I’ve been taking it very slow, I’m a bit embarrassed as to how slow actually.

Ever since, I've been trying (and struggling) to practise again. It's hard. I forgot most surahs, how to pray and how to read Arabic. I've had to do it alone because I don't want my family to know (because I know I'd end up telling them why I stopped practising).

I've been wanting to keep up a small journal/blog thing so I can keep up with everything and discuss things with fellow Muslims/interested non-Muslims.

I was debating doing this anonymous, but decided that I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. No I wasn't the perfect Muslim, and I'm still not - no one is. But I'm sorting myself out and becoming a better Muslimah day by day.

When I was a kid, I was sexually abused. Then, when I was older, I became deeply depressed. Both of which meant I strayed away from Islam. My family is very religious, so me not practising meant I often lied about praying and reading the Qu'ran. I always had this inner-guilt, and when my father had heart surgery this year, I listened to my guilt, started to open myself up to Allah swt again and felt at peace.

However, after that, I got these flashbacks of the sexual abuse. So not only did I have random memories (more like bits and pieces) when I was younger, I had literal flashbacks of the events and I couldn't control them. I'd have them during an exam, at work, eating. It was terrible and suffocating.

I strayed further. I didn't go back to square 1, more like -10. Not only did I stop practising again, I questioned everything I knew about Islam. I blamed Allah for giving me such hardship at a terrible time, it was as if as soon as I started practising, I was punished with these disgusting flashbacks.

That was until June. I did my A2 exams this year. So simply put, my revision was heavily impacted by the flashbacks. For one of my exams, a content based essay subject, I did nothing until the night before. I made notes a while ago but didn't learn/read it through until the night before. This paper was the biggest one, and had the most content and the hardest. I ended up learning less than half, and I didn't sleep all night because my heart was POUNDING. I thought I was having a heart attack, my body hurt, I was sweating but freezing. It was the worst time of my life, and to this day when I remember it, I cringe.

I was going to tell my mum about the flashbacks so I didn't have to do the exam. I was going to re-take, but in my mind I heard something telling me to do it. At this point, I have nothing to lose. I went in, I saw the exam paper and guess what? Everything that came up was what I actually learnt (except one smaller essay question). I literally went to the toilets and cried. I don't think I've ever been that grateful, and I don't care if it sounds dramatic. It seemed everything was going wrong in my life and this meant everything to me. I suddenly felt a feeling of fulfilment, and I felt Allah's unconditional love. It still makes me tear up.

Ever since, I've been trying (and struggling) to practise again. It's hard. I forgot most surahs, how to pray and how to read Arabic. I've had to do it alone because I don't want my family to know (because I know I'd end up telling them why I stopped practising).

I hope I can open up a healthy discussion about reverts/converts/Muslims/interested people. It's easy to assume every Muslim prays 5 times a day, fasts every Monday and Thursday and that's it. Of course that's my goal, but I'm not there yet.

So, I'll be updating when I can, and even if no one reads or replies, I hope it makes me feel better about my progress, because I feel I haven't made a lot which is disheartening.

May we all seek comfort and guidance in Allah swt. Ameen.

I've been wanting to keep up a small journal/blog thing so I can keep up with everything and discuss things with fellow Muslims/interested non-Muslims.

I was debating doing this anonymous, but decided that I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. No I wasn't the perfect Muslim, and I'm still not - no one is. But I'm sorting myself out and becoming a better Muslimah day by day.

When I was a kid, I was sexually abused. Then, when I was older, I became deeply depressed. Both of which meant I strayed away from Islam. My family is very religious, so me not practising meant I often lied about praying and reading the Qu'ran. I always had this inner-guilt, and when my father had heart surgery this year, I listened to my guilt, started to open myself up to Allah swt again and felt at peace.

However, after that, I got these flashbacks of the sexual abuse. So not only did I have random memories (more like bits and pieces) when I was younger, I had literal flashbacks of the events and I couldn't control them. I'd have them during an exam, at work, eating. It was terrible and suffocating.

I strayed further. I didn't go back to square 1, more like -10. Not only did I stop practising again, I questioned everything I knew about Islam. I blamed Allah for giving me such hardship at a terrible time, it was as if as soon as I started practising, I was punished with these disgusting flashbacks.

That was until June. I did my A2 exams this year. So simply put, my revision was heavily impacted by the flashbacks. For one of my exams, a content based essay subject, I did nothing until the night before. I made notes a while ago but didn't learn/read it through until the night before. This paper was the biggest one, and had the most content and the hardest. I ended up learning less than half, and I didn't sleep all night because my heart was POUNDING. I thought I was having a heart attack, my body hurt, I was sweating but freezing. It was the worst time of my life, and to this day when I remember it, I cringe.

I was going to tell my mum about the flashbacks so I didn't have to do the exam. I was going to re-take, but in my mind I heard something telling me to do it. At this point, I have nothing to lose. I went in, I saw the exam paper and guess what? Everything that came up was what I actually learnt (except one smaller essay question). I literally went to the toilets and cried. I don't think I've ever been that grateful, and I don't care if it sounds dramatic. It seemed everything was going wrong in my life and this meant everything to me. I suddenly felt a feeling of fulfilment, and I felt Allah's unconditional love. It still makes me tear up.

Ever since, I've been trying (and struggling) to practise again. It's hard. I forgot most surahs, how to pray and how to read Arabic. I've had to do it alone because I don't want my family to know (because I know I'd end up telling them why I stopped practising).

I hope I can open up a healthy discussion about reverts/converts/Muslims/interested people. It's easy to assume every Muslim prays 5 times a day, fasts every Monday and Thursday and that's it. Of course that's my goal, but I'm not there yet.

So, I'll be updating when I can, and even if no one reads or replies, I hope it makes me feel better about my progress, because I feel I haven't made a lot which is disheartening.

May we all seek comfort and guidance in Allah swt. Ameen.

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

Alhamdulillah, that is amazing.

It was narrated that ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her), the wife of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), said:

The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no calamity that befalls a Muslim but Allaah expiates (sin) thereby, even a thorn that pricks him.”

Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5640; Muslim, 2572.

Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى) guided you back and therefore, you need to take this opportunity! Islam is easy but it is we who make it hard for ourselves. In sha Allah, the sisters/brothers and I will help you as much as we can. You can private message me if you wish in case you want advise/want to vent! (I'm a sister so it's fine.)

May Allah keep you firm upon His religion. Ameen.

Salami and bacon sister.

I am happy to hear things are going well for you.

I'm glad to hear Allah has helped you come back to the religion and I ask Allah to forgive our wrongdoings and our mistakes and to keep us firm and steadfast on the deen
Btw I recommend a website called islamqa it's an excellent website check it out it has alot of info and has really helped me discover more about the religion and everything on it is reliable and authentic unlike other fake sources and people who fabricate lies or use weak hadith.
Also can you make this anonymous or add the option for other people to be anonymous as others might want to share similar stories but feel to shy to do it publicly
Peace

Asalam Alaykum (Peace be with you) Aaryra,
Congratulations! Alhamdulillah (Praise to Allah) who has guided you to come back to Islam, the path to success in this life and the next.
May ALLAH grant you success and keep you in his protection forever.
Kind Regards,
Essam 😊

Assalamualaikum.
It's okay. I have been in a very similar situation before when I had to basically start from square 1. It's hard at first but just remember; Allah SWT knows your struggle and you need to ask him to make it easier for you. When a Muslim turns away from Islam and then turns back to Islam, Allah TESTS them and this is in a hadith (I heard it off somewhere), hence many reverts leave Islam as they cannot endure the tests that are laid out for them. Keep on going, Allah knows your position and you will receive rewards for enduring through the struggle. You will even receive rewards for making the intention to turn back to Allah SWT. If you take one step towards Allah, he will take ten steps towards you. This path will not be easy. You will have your ups and downs but wallahi this is the right step forward. the greater your imaan, the harder the shaytaan will work to lead you astray. This is not an overnight thing. It would be great if you could get into contact with others on the same path as you and you will get rewards for motivating them and vice versa Fee Sabeelillah.

As for your past, although I can't relate in a first-hand perspective, I can from a second-person perspective. A person very close to me was sexually abused as a kid and now she suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. I pray every day that she gets better and I shall start praying that you do too. Allah says in the Qur'an that he will suffice you against the person that wronged you in verse 2:137. You have Allah's word on it but you will also be tested, so remember that. Never underestimate the mercy of Allah SWT for he will forgive you, providing you ask In Sha Allah. Stay away from Haraam to keep your mind and heart clean. I stopped listening to music for a bit as it would interfere with my memory. Learn about Islam (Islamic Guidance on youtube is a very good place to start and I suggest you start with the prophets and the sahaba, and then slowly move onto the lives of the Tabi'een such as Imam Abu Hanifa, Imam Malik, Imam Shafi'e and Imam Ahmad RA) and keep your intentions pure.

I hope I was able to guide you a little bit if not motivate you for the sake of Allah SWT and if you have any questions, private message me/reply to this and I will get back to you with the best answer I can provide In Sha Allah

Jazakallah khair for your duas; don't be embarassased about going slow, Allah swt doesn't expect you to switch overnight and as long as you're making progress that's great. An example from the time of Muhammad (SAWS) is that alcohol wasn't prohibited right away, it was done so gradually (infact in the first 13 years none of the laws pertaining to alcohol were sent down)

An analogy I heard online was that Islam is like a cake, it's really nice and sweet but if you eat it all at once you're gonna throw up and you won't like it. Having had a journey of my own back to the deen it would have been better if I had taken it slower in the beginning as I ended up dipping a bit with my consistency, of course nobody's perfect but yeah

I've been wanting to keep up a small journal/blog thing so I can keep up with everything and discuss things with fellow Muslims/interested non-Muslims.

I was debating doing this anonymous, but decided that I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. No I wasn't the perfect Muslim, and I'm still not - no one is. But I'm sorting myself out and becoming a better Muslimah day by day.

When I was a kid, I was sexually abused. Then, when I was older, I became deeply depressed. Both of which meant I strayed away from Islam. My family is very religious, so me not practising meant I often lied about praying and reading the Qu'ran. I always had this inner-guilt, and when my father had heart surgery this year, I listened to my guilt, started to open myself up to Allah swt again and felt at peace.

However, after that, I got these flashbacks of the sexual abuse. So not only did I have random memories (more like bits and pieces) when I was younger, I had literal flashbacks of the events and I couldn't control them. I'd have them during an exam, at work, eating. It was terrible and suffocating.

I strayed further. I didn't go back to square 1, more like -10. Not only did I stop practising again, I questioned everything I knew about Islam. I blamed Allah for giving me such hardship at a terrible time, it was as if as soon as I started practising, I was punished with these disgusting flashbacks.

That was until June. I did my A2 exams this year. So simply put, my revision was heavily impacted by the flashbacks. For one of my exams, a content based essay subject, I did nothing until the night before. I made notes a while ago but didn't learn/read it through until the night before. This paper was the biggest one, and had the most content and the hardest. I ended up learning less than half, and I didn't sleep all night because my heart was POUNDING. I thought I was having a heart attack, my body hurt, I was sweating but freezing. It was the worst time of my life, and to this day when I remember it, I cringe.

I was going to tell my mum about the flashbacks so I didn't have to do the exam. I was going to re-take, but in my mind I heard something telling me to do it. At this point, I have nothing to lose. I went in, I saw the exam paper and guess what? Everything that came up was what I actually learnt (except one smaller essay question). I literally went to the toilets and cried. I don't think I've ever been that grateful, and I don't care if it sounds dramatic. It seemed everything was going wrong in my life and this meant everything to me. I suddenly felt a feeling of fulfilment, and I felt Allah's unconditional love. It still makes me tear up.

Ever since, I've been trying (and struggling) to practise again. It's hard. I forgot most surahs, how to pray and how to read Arabic. I've had to do it alone because I don't want my family to know (because I know I'd end up telling them why I stopped practising).

I hope I can open up a healthy discussion about reverts/converts/Muslims/interested people. It's easy to assume every Muslim prays 5 times a day, fasts every Monday and Thursday and that's it. Of course that's my goal, but I'm not there yet.

So, I'll be updating when I can, and even if no one reads or replies, I hope it makes me feel better about my progress, because I feel I haven't made a lot which is disheartening.

May we all seek comfort and guidance in Allah swt. Ameen.

Thanks for sharing this! You’re actually really strong! All the best and May Allah swt help and guide us all to the right path.