I don’t want a big fat asian wedding

I have a very controlling family who control nearly all aspects of my life, when I wanted to move out to uni they said no until I chose a uni too far to commute to. I told them after my first year that I have found someone to marry, they said we will see what he is like, then they did everything their way, in terms of engagement and a nikkah, I wasn’t involved in any of the planning or discussions.
I had my nikkah done a year ago with my boyfriend of 4 years and now my family wants a big rukhsati and walima but I don’t because none of it would be how I want it ( as they would pay so it’s how they want it) and my husband can not afford to contribute to any of it. Also I know that agreeeing to this I’d have to stay with my in laws and I couldn’t do that.
I have told them that we don’t want a wedding and just want to move out but they said this isn’t the respectful manner and also disagreed to a wedding at home to “give me away”. I have been home from uni for 3 months now and I do not feel myself at all.
Me and my husband have put a deposit on a flat and want to leave and start our lives together however I just don’t know how to actually leave. I have considered just leaving and writing a letter but doesn’t seem very realistic.
Any ideas on what to do?

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Anonymous

I have a very controlling family who control nearly all aspects of my life, when I wanted to move out to uni they said no until I chose a uni too far to commute to. I told them after my first year that I have found someone to marry, they said we will see what he is like, then they did everything their way, in terms of engagement and a nikkah, I wasn’t involved in any of the planning or discussions.
I had my nikkah done a year ago with my boyfriend of 4 years and now my family wants a big rukhsati and walima but I don’t because none of it would be how I want it ( as they would pay so it’s how they want it) and my husband can not afford to contribute to any of it. Also I know that agreeeing to this I’d have to stay with my in laws and I couldn’t do that.
I have told them that we don’t want a wedding and just want to move out but they said this isn’t the respectful manner and also disagreed to a wedding at home to “give me away”. I have been home from uni for 3 months now and I do not feel myself at all.
Me and my husband have put a deposit on a flat and want to leave and start our lives together however I just don’t know how to actually leave. I have considered just leaving and writing a letter but doesn’t seem very realistic.
Any ideas on what to do?

Whilst being at home I’ve just been doing housework and serving the men in the house and struggling to find a job

They barely let me out with my husband as we don’t live together yet and the whole atmosphere when he comes is really awkward, I’m not allowed to sit too close to him either or else they tell us off

Reply 2

Anonymous #2

Original post by Anonymous

I have a very controlling family who control nearly all aspects of my life, when I wanted to move out to uni they said no until I chose a uni too far to commute to. I told them after my first year that I have found someone to marry, they said we will see what he is like, then they did everything their way, in terms of engagement and a nikkah, I wasn’t involved in any of the planning or discussions.
I had my nikkah done a year ago with my boyfriend of 4 years and now my family wants a big rukhsati and walima but I don’t because none of it would be how I want it ( as they would pay so it’s how they want it) and my husband can not afford to contribute to any of it. Also I know that agreeeing to this I’d have to stay with my in laws and I couldn’t do that.
I have told them that we don’t want a wedding and just want to move out but they said this isn’t the respectful manner and also disagreed to a wedding at home to “give me away”. I have been home from uni for 3 months now and I do not feel myself at all.
Me and my husband have put a deposit on a flat and want to leave and start our lives together however I just don’t know how to actually leave. I have considered just leaving and writing a letter but doesn’t seem very realistic.
Any ideas on what to do?

I’m sorry to hear that you’re in such a situation. I think you definitely have the confidence as the hardest part seems to be the telling the parents that you’ve found someone. You’ve managed to get past that. Just sit your parents down and explain to them that you don’t anything too big. I know you just want a home wedding and that’s it but I think you’ll both have to compromise. Explain to them that you’re hoping to save for the future and the situation with living with the in laws and all that. Tell them you’ll be happier in the future and more ready. Also, are you the oldest or youngest or only child cause that could be why they are hyping it all up. But I think talk to them in a mature manner and if that doesn’t work, simply state the conditions you’re willing to compromise with like the number of guests being reduced or a cheaper venue. You’re starting your married life so do it the right way. I think writing a letter and leaving isn’t the best thing at all. Speak to them. I know as an Asian it’s sooooo hard but if you are put in the situation, you can do this. Maybe speak to your mum or dad only (depending on which one you’re close to) and tell them to explain to the other. All the best! :smile:

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

OP

Already said all those things and tried to compromise. They didn’t agree to what I wanted and simply said it’s not what you or your husband want it’s what we want. They don’t want to reduce the guests because they need to show the people that they’re a respectable family.
Also I can’t stay here for long because it’s a controlling household where I’m not allowed to do anything but have to serve the men all day, even put their food and water in for them after cooking it. I wake up, do housework and go to sleep.

Reply 4

Anonymous #2

Original post by Anonymous

Already said all those things and tried to compromise. They didn’t agree to what I wanted and simply said it’s not what you or your husband want it’s what we want. They don’t want to reduce the guests because they need to show the people that they’re a respectable family.
Also I can’t stay here for long because it’s a controlling household where I’m not allowed to do anything but have to serve the men all day, even put their food and water in for them after cooking it. I wake up, do housework and go to sleep.

Why are they so controlling and unfair to listen? You and your husband had a nikkah, was everything done with their blessings? (Not that it matters now but to them it does) they seem to be bitter about something and it’s stupid. I understand our struggle I really do, I think some Asian men are just grown babies but I think you’re gonna be getting married soon so use that as a motivation and stick it out for a few more months. What does your husband have to say about this? Can’t he talk to his family or your family directly to try and get them to see light of the situation? Or is something not fully right between the two families?

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

OP

It was all done with blessings, I agreed to however they wanted to approach the whole thing as I told them at 18. They’re just really controlling and marrying him was out of their control so I think they’re trying to control as many things now as they can. They even said I have to live with my in laws even though my husband wants to move out. It’s like they’re dictating my whole life and I don’t have a choice in anything. I won’t be able to hang on for a few months as I’m too used to living by myself. I don’t think it’s right for me to be spending the summer after graduation sat at home doing housework. We have the new flat and everything now I just need to work out how to leave as this is the only way for me to be happy and away from their control

I don’t want a big fat asian wedding

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