I am the exact same way!! It feels like it’s a constant battle of what I want to do and this thing (ego?) that is constantly trying to sabotage me. Trapped within my own self (as much as this makes me sound like an angsty teenager).
What you’re feeling is what I felt in the last months leading up to my exams and it really screwed with my exam and school performance. I think what I realize now is that this tends to happen when you spend too much time by yourself and/ or worrying. The more I isolated myself the more my productivity and sanity declined. I’d think that saying no to going out with my friends meant that I’d be more productive and focused when really it had a negative effect on me. I stopped going to the gym and playing the sports I love all in the pursuit of doing better academically when it really just was self-sabotage.
Is this what’s going on with you?
One of My friends achieved a final grade in the 40s for the IB externals (keep in mind she used to get low grades) and she attributes it to finding the balance, staying focused and on top of her tasks and not wasting time at all. She made time to go out (once a week), exercised almost everyday and this helped her stay on top of her tasks, refuel and be more productive (and happy).
** Sorry for the novel I just wrote, hahah. It’s just that what you described is too close to heart.