Why would you love someone older?

A few things in trying to figure out.
Why would there be a degree of envy? People, it's assumed, envy youth but I am a good few years younger. Weird **** like her experience, having travelled alone(I never been abroad alone) having a licence and car and being settled in a marriage for 20+years.
She has no kids. I'm not someone to find having kids enviable or not having them pitiable, but I know that is a more standard perception. There's just something Independent and unfathomable there. I should say I'm late 30's and have options of women in their 20's and 30's. So it makes no sense how she haunts me. Before anyone says because of options I think I'm a womaniser, I don't mean like that just people I know it works with and it's mutual. And please try not to judge the married thing, I did not plan to have any involvement, serendipity happened and feelings developed beyond my control. Doesn't help all her tender touches to the hand and ****, she is the one who gave us this problem to some extent. I can't not have emotions for her though.

Ok. But you are making choices though aren't? You can control yourself tbh but you don't really want to because you like what is happening! It is understandable. I am not judging. Just be honest with yourself though. Your wife is no longer the one for you. Tell her and move on! There are probably lots of situations in your life that you actually control.

Age doesnt matter, if the feelings are there, they're there.

I'm not married, she is