feeling overwhelmed and a bit sad, advice?

So this is my second week of uni. I've been here (Netherlands) for almost a month now. My family is so many miles away, I'll only see them at Christmas. I estimate about 8 hours of homework I have to do tomorrow because its due Friday. The reading is so much, and then I have to take notes and it just takes forever.

I feel like nothing good has happened in the past week and there's nothing good to look forward to. The past week has been bad. Yesterday I got fined by the police because it was evening and my backlight of the cycle wasn't working. Today I just f*cked up my choir audition. I haven't been singing for 3 months and I'm usually a soprano but today I couldn't hit the high notes at all, my voice cracked every time I tried. It was so embarrassing and I really wish I'd practiced a bit before. Its just that I'm living in a student guesthouse and walls are thin. I really want to get in the choir, he gave me the sense that he knew I was nervous and he kinda reassured me but I don't know if he's going to accept me or not. It was so awful because I usually can sing fine.

And what about friends. I miss my high school and my friends and the easy life. Everyone is nice here, but I'm still trying to find the close friends, the real ones. I've kind of found a small crew, but I feel like I'm putting too much effort to be included in plans. They have a groupchat without me, and they make plans and only if I'm physically next to them and overhear them discussing the plans will they invite me to come along, but they wouldn't text me about it if they didn't see me you know? They're friendly and everything but... I don't know. I think maybe I'm just not so interesting, or I don't know how to make a conversation interesting.

I don't really know what to do. I can't talk to anyone in person about my problems. I've texted my friends back home but texting isn't the same. I feel stressed and a bit frustrated and "what am I doing with my life" often runs through my head. Any advice is helpful or if you've gone through a similar experience, please feel free to share. ❤️ Sorry for the rant.

Sorry cant give you a full answer at the moment.

How long are you there for and presumably you chose to go?

You need to be determined and strong.

Do something nice for yourself each day and take care of your MH.

1.Use skype to talk to people at home,. but sometimes it can make it worse
2. Do make effort to make friends either with dutch students or internationals.
3. Tell the choirmaster you would be happy to re- audition you were just rusty.
4. Bike thing happens just be more careful.
5. Stop trying so hard, just be chilled and determined you will cope, make the effort and things should fall into place.
6. Box sets and good food or books. Paddington 1 and 23 I think are cheery no matter how miserable or fragile.
7. Join some societies.Meet people smile and be sociable, friendships take time. Hide in your room and you wont meet new people.
8. Remind yourself why you chose to be there, the good experiences you want and how you will get them.
9. Start establishing routines so you get familiar with your new life.
10. Exercise, go for walks, practice the language.
https://www.savethestudent.org/international-students/tips-to-deal-with-home-sickness.html
https://www.goabroad.com/articles/how-to-stop-feeling-homesick
https://www.gooverseas.com/blog/ways-reduce-homesickness-abroad
https://www.prospects.ac.uk/applying-for-university/university-life/what-to-do-when-you-feel-homesick

https://www.nopanic.org.uk/no-panic-youth-hub/
https://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/get-help/
Depression and anxiety
https://depression.org.nz/is-it-depression-anxiety/self-test/
https://www.counselling.cam.ac.uk/selfhelp/selfleafpdf/depression
https://www.counselling.cam.ac.uk/selfhelp/selfleafl.pdf/loneliness/at_download/file
https://www.counselling.cam.ac.uk/selfhelp/selfleafpdf/anxipan
https://www.mind.org.uk/media/1993364/how-to-manage-stress_2015.pdf
https://www.mind.org.uk/media/34696345/depression-2019-web-pdf.pdf

Thank you so much, what you said and all the links are super helpful ❤️

Don't underestimate what a big step you've made by going to the Netherlands. I've just gone into my second year at the University of Amsterdam and I still struggle with cultural differences, feeling like I lack social opportunities because of the language barrier, the intense workload and the lack of holidays (sometimes it's about powering through the semesters, sometimes you should be clear with yourself that it's okay and healthy to give yourself a holiday mid-term).

I remember being in your position, feeling lonely and distressed because the change was big. I lost the feeling of relating to any (British) impressions I had of "the uni experience" and couldn't connect to what my British friends were going through in the first term. I also moved straight after high school and missed the Friday night rituals and comfort of knowing what home meant to me. Being in the Netherlands means you don't have Freshers week, joining societies (they aren't really a thing in the NL, let alone ones that run in english) or even accommodation to fall back on to make easy connections (I don't know about where you are, but at least in Amsterdam, the student accommodation is often in studios and is not social in the way Halls are. I didn't even enjoy fitting into an international crowd: many people on my course were quite arrogant (being used to living internationally, whereas I was excited and constantly surprised by the whole thing), plus many international groups or events were too vague for me to want to spend time doing (I wanted to do societies based on my interests, not just being united with people by our "foreignness" - you can only talk about drinking, clubbing, airfares, language differences and compare high school systems so many times). I still struggle with the social side because it's just so much harder to connect with people when you are abroad. It wasn't for a lack of trying, I tried everything (all the groups/events/activities available and would never let a possible social connection go to waste) but in the end I realised I was just exhausting myself, projecting a version of myself I didn't really like, and not realising that I had to reframe my version of the experience and my feelings of loneliness in order to escape it.

There is an expectation for you to love everything and assimilate easily, but this is simply not true. You have to start seeing your experience as essentially different and act accordingly to this, just because it is. I know there is so much pressure in "trying to make the best of it," but this will inevitably lead to you missing a trick when it comes to your self-development and enjoyment of the experiences that do happen. Don't see a social occasion as just one step towards a party invite, which will lead (hopefully) to the friendship you need), but evaluate whether you actually enjoyed yourself.

If this sounds familiar, I would just advise you to (paradoxically) try to chill out and try to see that the things you want to happen (friendship, comfort, enjoyment) come over a period of time. See this whole experience not as uni, but as part of one of those personal developments you make over your whole life. Shed the expectations to find friends or "your group" and see the reality that it is more healthy and realistic to live as people do during the rest of their lives: enjoying the uniqueness of the set of circumstances that you are already in. As lots of other people have said in the thread: retune yourself to the reasons why you decided to move there. Then do a reality check: were they unachievable expectations? (like I will make find the work easy, and not get homesick) and accept that you might have been mistaken. Then look at the expectations you had which you are able to indulge (it's so pretty here, I can bike everywhere, there's so much to explore when abroad) and try to focus on these to enjoy them as much as possible in order to help your mind balance.

And remember to not forget yourself in all of this. Take care of your mental health and start developing ways to learn more about you and what you really want in and out of your current experience. Try not to make it your aim to project a good version of yourself onto people, in order to help them be your friends. Instead, spend time communicating with yourself about what sort of person you are. Be confident that you are interesting and good at making conversation. (I'm sure you are... in fact, it may even be them that are not interesting! Don't expect to click with everyone or force it when it is there). It's okay to be lonely, so recognise when you're acting desperate and remember that that's not the best version of you. (This one is hard, because when you're in need of comfort, you can make excuses for behaviour which in the long term is not beneficial, like making efforts with people who aren't right for you).

It sounds like you did the right thing doing the choir audition, as it's clearly going down the road of doing things that you love. As above, try and get another shot. If that doesn't work out, don't see it as the end of everything. As I said, don't pin all of your hopes of sociality, comfort, integration, enjoyment, on one thing. Opportunities may seem sparse (and in some ways for an international student, they will be) but they are also random, so you want to be in the best frame of mind to embrace them. Don't feel bad also about the choices that you don't make. You don't have to go to every borrel that's offered. You don't have to do all the expat things that are expected simply because you are there (for example, I've decided not to learn Dutch, literally because I know how much time it takes, and I don't have that time on top of uni. Yes, it will limit my integration and social opportunities, but I'm there for uni and the other bits of my life).

Hopefully some of this was useful to you. I've documented quite a lot of my own experience here, simply because your situation sounds almost exactly like where I was this time last year, and these are some of the realisations I've had in the past year. I searched endlessly for advice and comfort from people, but in the end just had to learn it the hard way. I hope at least that you'll be able to relax a little more and enjoy yourself!!!

It's a really tough experience moving abroad and lots of people underestimate it. But you're allowed to congratulate yourself every so often. In the long run you'll see what an amazing person you've become:-)) message me if you would like to talk more
also sorry i had to put this in like 4 posts because it was actually huge (which i really didn't expect hahah)

Hopefully some of this was useful to you. I've documented quite a lot of my own experience here, simply because your situation sounds almost exactly like where I was this time last year, and these are some of the realisations I've had in the past year. I searched endlessly for advice and comfort from people, but in the end just had to learn it the hard way. I hope at least that you'll be able to relax a little more and enjoy yourself!!!

It's a really tough experience moving abroad and lots of people underestimate it. But you're allowed to congratulate yourself every so often. In the long run you'll see what an amazing person you've become:-)) message me if you would like to talk more
also sorry i had to put this in like 4 posts because it was actually huge (which i really didn't expect hahah)

Sorry you are having such a hard time .Was there a reason why you chose to study abroad rather than in the UK?Just a small point there is no point in taking the probiotics until after you finish the antibiotics as they will be cancelled out.

I'm actually not from the UK haha. I'm not Indian but I lived in India my whole life, in an international community. I didn't want to study in the country, I wanted to meet more international people so I decided to come to the Netherlands.

Ohh really?? Are you sure? (about the probiotics). Wouldn't the pharmacist have told that information?