Hopelessly in love with group therapist
Perhaps love is a strong word but this is more than a crush. He is probably age 30 at most, I am 23. But he is one of three therapists that leads a DBT skills group I am in. I am head over heels for this guy. But he is very reserved.
I want to connect with him outside of group. I know this is unprofessional but I feel like my heart is on fire. I really cannot tell if he takes any special interest in me.
Here is where it gets crazy: I went to a cafe after group today. On my way out I see him at a bus stop ahead, directly in my path. I scrambled to look like I was reading a book I happened to be carrying (very awkwardly as I walked down a busy street). And I believe he saw me. He looked away very quickly as I looked up. I cut across a courtyard to avoid getting too close. But I couldn't help myself, I stopped to sit on a bench not far away to see what line he took.
Tomorrow I am thinking of taking that bus around the same time. There is a restaurant I like on that route so it would not be a "special" trip. I plan on maybe chatting him up, God willing we "bump into" one another.
Is this a terrible idea? I know it is not great but I am desperate.
P.S. I am told in the past that I am attractive but I have never had a boyfriend or girlfriend. Someone has said it's because "I'm too pretty to approach" but I don't know if I believe that. I am very inexperienced and have social anxiety. My only kiss was ten years ago, I was 13 and I'm pretty sure we didnt do it right at all.
I want to connect with him outside of group. I know this is unprofessional but I feel like my heart is on fire. I really cannot tell if he takes any special interest in me.
Here is where it gets crazy: I went to a cafe after group today. On my way out I see him at a bus stop ahead, directly in my path. I scrambled to look like I was reading a book I happened to be carrying (very awkwardly as I walked down a busy street). And I believe he saw me. He looked away very quickly as I looked up. I cut across a courtyard to avoid getting too close. But I couldn't help myself, I stopped to sit on a bench not far away to see what line he took.
Tomorrow I am thinking of taking that bus around the same time. There is a restaurant I like on that route so it would not be a "special" trip. I plan on maybe chatting him up, God willing we "bump into" one another.
Is this a terrible idea? I know it is not great but I am desperate.
P.S. I am told in the past that I am attractive but I have never had a boyfriend or girlfriend. Someone has said it's because "I'm too pretty to approach" but I don't know if I believe that. I am very inexperienced and have social anxiety. My only kiss was ten years ago, I was 13 and I'm pretty sure we didnt do it right at all.
(edited 4 years ago)
It would be very unprofessional of him. I'd advise you to wait until your sessions are over and when he is no longer your therapist.
Original post by angelike1
It would be very unprofessional of him. I'd advise you to wait until your sessions are over and when he is no longer your therapist.
I know this but my heart doesn't care. (I imagine him telling me to use my "wise mind" lol) I am afraid of waiting as I will no longer have excuses to talk to him.
I would rather go on suffering in silence than never see him again.
Original post by qlory
I know this but my heart doesn't care. (I imagine him telling me to use my "wise mind" lol) I am afraid of waiting as I will no longer have excuses to talk to him.
I would rather go on suffering in silence than never see him again.
I would rather go on suffering in silence than never see him again.
This won't work. He's your therapist and it would mean he could lose his job.
Original post by Pathway
This won't work. He's your therapist Iand it would mean he could lose his job.
I know all of that but I cannot bring myself to let go. I am looking for what I should do, not what I should not do.
Should I tell him how I feel? Should I try to befriend him?
Original post by qlory
I know all of that but I cannot bring myself to let go. I am looking for what I should do, not what I should not do.
Should I tell him how I feel? Should I try to befriend him?
Should I tell him how I feel? Should I try to befriend him?
No and no; you should leave him to do his job.
Original post by Pathway
No and no; you should leave him to do his job.
That's what I have been doing and it's killing me. My emotions have a mind of their own; hence the therapy. I've done worse things under less strain.
Original post by qlory
That's what I have been doing and it's killing me. My emotions have a mind of their own; hence the therapy. I've done worse things under less strain.
I get that, but you shouldn't and can't go out with your therapist. Tell one of the other therapists about it.
If you start chatting to him or initiating contact outside therapy he will remove himself from the group FAST to put boundaries back up. My therapist used to take the same bus home as my college bus sometimes, we talked and agreed saying a brief hi but sitting separately was appropriate. This can NEVER happen. Speak to a different therapist about your feelings.
Original post by doodle_333
If you start chatting to him or initiating contact outside therapy he will remove himself from the group FAST to put boundaries back up. My therapist used to take the same bus home as my college bus sometimes, we talked and agreed saying a brief hi but sitting separately was appropriate. This can NEVER happen. Speak to a different therapist about your feelings.
I know I'm being stubborn. I see why it's crazy but I don't care. I don't think I can talk to anyone about this. I'm not comfortable with any of the other therapists and I'm afraid they would pull me from group.
I planned on getting on his bus today but I chickened out, walked around the park instead and ended up having a panic attack. I'm super distressed about this. Every move feels like the wrong one.
I'm in a DBT group currently and this is an awful idea. If you read the contract of the group you aren't even allowed relationships with the other members of the group never mind the therapist.
I mean this with the best intentions, if you are in a DBT group you probably have issues with attachment and healthy relationships. This is something you need to work on in the group.
I mean this with the best intentions, if you are in a DBT group you probably have issues with attachment and healthy relationships. This is something you need to work on in the group.
Original post by qlory
Perhaps love is a strong word but this is more than a crush. He is probably age 30 at most, I am 23. But he is one of three therapists that leads a DBT skills group I am in. I am head over heels for this guy. But he is very reserved.
I want to connect with him outside of group. I know this is unprofessional but I feel like my heart is on fire. I really cannot tell if he takes any special interest in me.
Here is where it gets crazy: I went to a cafe after group today. On my way out I see him at a bus stop ahead, directly in my path. I scrambled to look like I was reading a book I happened to be carrying (very awkwardly as I walked down a busy street). And I believe he saw me. He looked away very quickly as I looked up. I cut across a courtyard to avoid getting too close. But I couldn't help myself, I stopped to sit on a bench not far away to see what line he took.
Tomorrow I am thinking of taking that bus around the same time. There is a restaurant I like on that route so it would not be a "special" trip. I plan on maybe chatting him up, God willing we "bump into" one another.
Is this a terrible idea? I know it is not great but I am desperate.
P.S. I am told in the past that I am attractive but I have never had a boyfriend or girlfriend. Someone has said it's because "I'm too pretty to approach" but I don't know if I believe that. I am very inexperienced and have social anxiety. My only kiss was ten years ago, I was 13 and I'm pretty sure we didnt do it right at all.
I want to connect with him outside of group. I know this is unprofessional but I feel like my heart is on fire. I really cannot tell if he takes any special interest in me.
Here is where it gets crazy: I went to a cafe after group today. On my way out I see him at a bus stop ahead, directly in my path. I scrambled to look like I was reading a book I happened to be carrying (very awkwardly as I walked down a busy street). And I believe he saw me. He looked away very quickly as I looked up. I cut across a courtyard to avoid getting too close. But I couldn't help myself, I stopped to sit on a bench not far away to see what line he took.
Tomorrow I am thinking of taking that bus around the same time. There is a restaurant I like on that route so it would not be a "special" trip. I plan on maybe chatting him up, God willing we "bump into" one another.
Is this a terrible idea? I know it is not great but I am desperate.
P.S. I am told in the past that I am attractive but I have never had a boyfriend or girlfriend. Someone has said it's because "I'm too pretty to approach" but I don't know if I believe that. I am very inexperienced and have social anxiety. My only kiss was ten years ago, I was 13 and I'm pretty sure we didnt do it right at all.
Don't overthink it.
Approach him and express yourself.
“Opportunities are like sunrises. If you wait too long, you miss them.” –William Arthur Ward
Original post by qlory
I know I'm being stubborn. I see why it's crazy but I don't care. I don't think I can talk to anyone about this. I'm not comfortable with any of the other therapists and I'm afraid they would pull me from group.
I planned on getting on his bus today but I chickened out, walked around the park instead and ended up having a panic attack. I'm super distressed about this. Every move feels like the wrong one.
I planned on getting on his bus today but I chickened out, walked around the park instead and ended up having a panic attack. I'm super distressed about this. Every move feels like the wrong one.
Pulling you from the group would be the right thing. You need to have some self control... you'll be pulled anyway if you start stalking him.
It's not appropriate to have him as your therapist if you have these kind of feelings towards him and refuse to try and deal with them. It's not what you want to hear but it's the truth, you need to keep your distance in order not to jeopardise your mental health or his job. Crushes come and go, you'll get over him in time.
(edited 4 years ago)
Original post by qlory
Perhaps love is a strong word but this is more than a crush. He is probably age 30 at most, I am 23. But he is one of three therapists that leads a DBT skills group I am in. I am head over heels for this guy. But he is very reserved.
I want to connect with him outside of group. I know this is unprofessional but I feel like my heart is on fire. I really cannot tell if he takes any special interest in me.
Here is where it gets crazy: I went to a cafe after group today. On my way out I see him at a bus stop ahead, directly in my path. I scrambled to look like I was reading a book I happened to be carrying (very awkwardly as I walked down a busy street). And I believe he saw me. He looked away very quickly as I looked up. I cut across a courtyard to avoid getting too close. But I couldn't help myself, I stopped to sit on a bench not far away to see what line he took.
Tomorrow I am thinking of taking that bus around the same time. There is a restaurant I like on that route so it would not be a "special" trip. I plan on maybe chatting him up, God willing we "bump into" one another.
Is this a terrible idea? I know it is not great but I am desperate.
P.S. I am told in the past that I am attractive but I have never had a boyfriend or girlfriend. Someone has said it's because "I'm too pretty to approach" but I don't know if I believe that. I am very inexperienced and have social anxiety. My only kiss was ten years ago, I was 13 and I'm pretty sure we didnt do it right at all.
I want to connect with him outside of group. I know this is unprofessional but I feel like my heart is on fire. I really cannot tell if he takes any special interest in me.
Here is where it gets crazy: I went to a cafe after group today. On my way out I see him at a bus stop ahead, directly in my path. I scrambled to look like I was reading a book I happened to be carrying (very awkwardly as I walked down a busy street). And I believe he saw me. He looked away very quickly as I looked up. I cut across a courtyard to avoid getting too close. But I couldn't help myself, I stopped to sit on a bench not far away to see what line he took.
Tomorrow I am thinking of taking that bus around the same time. There is a restaurant I like on that route so it would not be a "special" trip. I plan on maybe chatting him up, God willing we "bump into" one another.
Is this a terrible idea? I know it is not great but I am desperate.
P.S. I am told in the past that I am attractive but I have never had a boyfriend or girlfriend. Someone has said it's because "I'm too pretty to approach" but I don't know if I believe that. I am very inexperienced and have social anxiety. My only kiss was ten years ago, I was 13 and I'm pretty sure we didnt do it right at all.
You sound very selfish. You know that you could possibly jeopardise his job by talking to him but you don't care as you've mentioned above, and even though others have given you advice on what to do you are still ignoring it.
Transfer to another group, that way you will be allowed to talk to him and you can have one of those catch up conversations like "oh hi, how have you been?"
Having these kinds of feelings for your therapist are very common. So common that they are a recognised phenomenon called Transference. You aren't the first to feel the way you do, and you certainly won't be the last. You can read a fairly good overview here:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/in-therapy/201206/clients-guide-transference
I will disagree with some of the above posters that you are doing something wrong. I say this as someone who has been delivering therapy for over a decade and run my fair share of DBT groups, I would want you to take away two things. First, do not feel guilty about this, and it may be helpful to see this reaction as part of the therapy itself. In DBT you hopefully would have learned a bit about acceptance/ radical acceptance, and this can be a good thing to practice on -You are attracted to him, that means something and fighting those feelings or and its coming from your emotional mind rather than rational or "wise" mind (if you are using DBT terms).
Secondly, you may also want to bear in mind that if he is a good therapist (and not someone who belongs behind bars) he can't/won't ever be in a relationship with you. He would be struck off doing so.
You are not wrong for feeling the way you feel, but you can use these feelings as part of your therapy. Be mindful about your thoughts and emotions when they become intense, and try to dig deeper about what is it in the therapist that you are being drawn to. That may shine a light on your beliefs, values, what you may feel that you are being deprived of, or a emotional pattern that is being played out.
Good luck with your DBT.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/in-therapy/201206/clients-guide-transference
I will disagree with some of the above posters that you are doing something wrong. I say this as someone who has been delivering therapy for over a decade and run my fair share of DBT groups, I would want you to take away two things. First, do not feel guilty about this, and it may be helpful to see this reaction as part of the therapy itself. In DBT you hopefully would have learned a bit about acceptance/ radical acceptance, and this can be a good thing to practice on -You are attracted to him, that means something and fighting those feelings or and its coming from your emotional mind rather than rational or "wise" mind (if you are using DBT terms).
Secondly, you may also want to bear in mind that if he is a good therapist (and not someone who belongs behind bars) he can't/won't ever be in a relationship with you. He would be struck off doing so.
You are not wrong for feeling the way you feel, but you can use these feelings as part of your therapy. Be mindful about your thoughts and emotions when they become intense, and try to dig deeper about what is it in the therapist that you are being drawn to. That may shine a light on your beliefs, values, what you may feel that you are being deprived of, or a emotional pattern that is being played out.
Good luck with your DBT.
This is a terrible idea. He could lose his job, you will lose your place on the therapy or at the very least be removed from those particular sessions and you won't get anywhere with it. He's your therapist, leave it at that.
Pursuing him in this way is genuinely selfish. Please stop.
Pursuing him in this way is genuinely selfish. Please stop.
I hate to burst your bubble and I am not trying to come across as rude but what makes you think he even likes you? Objectively speaking, apart from what is regularly expected from patient-therapist interactions, how has he demonstrated his affection or interest towards you that would make you think this is something worth entertaining?
Original post by qlory
Here is where it gets crazy: I went to a cafe after group today. On my way out I see him at a bus stop ahead, directly in my path. I scrambled to look like I was reading a book I happened to be carrying (very awkwardly as I walked down a busy street). And I believe he saw me. He looked away very quickly as I looked up. I cut across a courtyard to avoid getting too close. But I couldn't help myself, I stopped to sit on a bench not far away to see what line he took.
Is this a terrible idea? I know it is not great but I am desperate.
Is this a terrible idea? I know it is not great but I am desperate.
Just because he looked at you doesn't necessarily mean he's interested in you or trying to sneak a peek at you. I know teachers who happen to bump into their students outside of school and it's very awkward and they try to avoid interactions with them. In your situation, the dynamics may well be similar for the therapist. He may be used to seeing you in a particular setting and seeing you outside of that setting is unnerving, so he might've pretended to not see you and looked away.
Don't let your desperation consume you nor allow your imagination to run away with you.
Infatuation is one hell of a drug.
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