How hard is it to make friends in second year uni?
I have social anxiety disorder so I made no friends in first year and isolated myself in my room for a year and went weeks without any human interaction. I've now started second year and the social anxiety itself makes it difficult to make friends but even if I was socially confident I still wonder if it would be easy since everyone else is already established in the groups they made in first year. I have only friend outside uni and not a single friend at uni. I feel so embarrassed by this but the loneliness and depression are killing me I can't live like this I need friends and a romantic partner like everyone else at uni or just in general. I'm male, my flatmates this year are all female, having no friends I've had to move in with strangers, if being the only male out of 7 flatmates wasn't bad enough they all seem to know each other before and moved in together and had a spare room allocated to me. I find it very difficult to talk to people as it is so I worry about speaking to people before lectures and also the fact that pretty much everyone already knows each other. I have paid my memberships for one society and one sports club but I worry that I will lack the confidence to speak to people. Also the social events I don't know if it's socially acceptable to go alone. The fact everybody has a lot of friends and I don't have one is really depressing. Every day is hell seeing people in friendship groups and couples are the worst for me because I really desire a relationship. I have booked into therapy but the waiting list is a full month. Please can anyone give me advice on what I should do to try and meet new people? I can't stress how difficult life is for me right now I am extremely lonely and depressed.
Loads of people don't know each other unless it's a very small course. It doesn't feel like that though. The flatmate thing is probably a little different, but they are just flatmates.
The thinking everyone has met everyone and all friendships are locked in is a normal thought taken from small social cues that your social anxiety has taken and magnified 10x.
If you took a bunch of strangers with anxiety and put them in a room with some people that had met once before what would happen? You would get people over reading the situation and looking for other 'new people' and then jumping to conclusions that everyone else knew each other apart from those who actively identified themselves as 'new'. If someone started saying hey we're all new here some would physically recoil and move into smaller groups. Afterwards some of the new people would say that they knew straight away that they wouldn't fit in and it's so frustrating how everyone else knows each other and they won't come again.
The above scenario happens in real life of people of all ages with anxiety. The difficulty is overcoming those tiny cues that we over read.
It's socially acceptable to go to events at uni alone.
With the society I would book a day in your diary to work up to going. Do things that help, maybe the week before walk past the event and see who goes in, where it is, everything to try and make it easier. Then go the week after. If you don't go (try) then don't beat yourself up, try the week after. Have a plan for leaving early etc if it doesn't work out. An excuse.
The thinking everyone has met everyone and all friendships are locked in is a normal thought taken from small social cues that your social anxiety has taken and magnified 10x.
If you took a bunch of strangers with anxiety and put them in a room with some people that had met once before what would happen? You would get people over reading the situation and looking for other 'new people' and then jumping to conclusions that everyone else knew each other apart from those who actively identified themselves as 'new'. If someone started saying hey we're all new here some would physically recoil and move into smaller groups. Afterwards some of the new people would say that they knew straight away that they wouldn't fit in and it's so frustrating how everyone else knows each other and they won't come again.
The above scenario happens in real life of people of all ages with anxiety. The difficulty is overcoming those tiny cues that we over read.
It's socially acceptable to go to events at uni alone.
With the society I would book a day in your diary to work up to going. Do things that help, maybe the week before walk past the event and see who goes in, where it is, everything to try and make it easier. Then go the week after. If you don't go (try) then don't beat yourself up, try the week after. Have a plan for leaving early etc if it doesn't work out. An excuse.
Original post by marinade
Loads of people don't know each other unless it's a very small course. It doesn't feel like that though. The flatmate thing is probably a little different, but they are just flatmates.
The thinking everyone has met everyone and all friendships are locked in is a normal thought taken from small social cues that your social anxiety has taken and magnified 10x.
If you took a bunch of strangers with anxiety and put them in a room with some people that had met once before what would happen? You would get people over reading the situation and looking for other 'new people' and then jumping to conclusions that everyone else knew each other apart from those who actively identified themselves as 'new'. If someone started saying hey we're all new here some would physically recoil and move into smaller groups. Afterwards some of the new people would say that they knew straight away that they wouldn't fit in and it's so frustrating how everyone else knows each other and they won't come again.
The above scenario happens in real life of people of all ages with anxiety. The difficulty is overcoming those tiny cues that we over read.
It's socially acceptable to go to events at uni alone.
With the society I would book a day in your diary to work up to going. Do things that help, maybe the week before walk past the event and see who goes in, where it is, everything to try and make it easier. Then go the week after. If you don't go (try) then don't beat yourself up, try the week after. Have a plan for leaving early etc if it doesn't work out. An excuse.
The thinking everyone has met everyone and all friendships are locked in is a normal thought taken from small social cues that your social anxiety has taken and magnified 10x.
If you took a bunch of strangers with anxiety and put them in a room with some people that had met once before what would happen? You would get people over reading the situation and looking for other 'new people' and then jumping to conclusions that everyone else knew each other apart from those who actively identified themselves as 'new'. If someone started saying hey we're all new here some would physically recoil and move into smaller groups. Afterwards some of the new people would say that they knew straight away that they wouldn't fit in and it's so frustrating how everyone else knows each other and they won't come again.
The above scenario happens in real life of people of all ages with anxiety. The difficulty is overcoming those tiny cues that we over read.
It's socially acceptable to go to events at uni alone.
With the society I would book a day in your diary to work up to going. Do things that help, maybe the week before walk past the event and see who goes in, where it is, everything to try and make it easier. Then go the week after. If you don't go (try) then don't beat yourself up, try the week after. Have a plan for leaving early etc if it doesn't work out. An excuse.
I understand my anxiety can make things seem much more catastrophic than they actually are but it is true that the majority of people in lecture halls in the first two minutes before the lecture starts and when the lecture is finished talk to each other, many people come in in groups and I feel awkward not having anyone to talk to so I just either look through my notes or go on my phone. I do want to build up the courage to start talking with the person next to me but I don't want to seem weird. Also I'm never sat next to/near the same people in lectures.
Every time I go out in public walking down the street, through campus, going to the shops all I see are students together in groups of friends and also couples and I want to be just like them. I am going to try the societies my only problem with putting it off as you suggested is that if I put it off too long then go 6 weeks after the first meeting will it be harder to integrate myself socially into a group? I just really want friends and hate being by myself in my room all the time. My depression is pretty bad now and I'm trying to be more positive but the thought of postponing going to a society meeting more than a week makes me uncomfortable. Will it really matter if I go a few weeks later?
Original post by 江山此刻波澜壮阔
Why don`t you make friends with female flatmates?
They've known each other for years and seem very close and I get on with guys better, not that I don't get on with girls, and I'd rather be friends with people I have stuff in common with not just anybody, but I would still like to be more sociable with them just not be best friends, I'd rather do that with people I have more in common with.
Original post by Anonymous
Every time I go out in public walking down the street, through campus, going to the shops all I see are students together in groups of friends and also couples and I want to be just like them. I am going to try the societies my only problem with putting it off as you suggested is that if I put it off too long then go 6 weeks after the first meeting will it be harder to integrate myself socially into a group? I just really want friends and hate being by myself in my room all the time. My depression is pretty bad now and I'm trying to be more positive but the thought of postponing going to a society meeting more than a week makes me uncomfortable. Will it really matter if I go a few weeks later?
Every day I walk to uni it's like that. Except although I feel like that, in actual fact there are loads of other people walking on their own, headphones in. Funny how you notice the groups.
For societies, I wasn't suggesting six weeks. It is pretty difficult the first time so I was envisaging trying to stay open minded and giving it a go on the 2nd or 3rd time if it doesn't work out. If societies are running regularly then it doesn't matter so much if you go a little into term. If it's less frequently say once a month or something that's a bit different.
