Why do people refer to themselves as they/them rather than male or female?

I had a look around my university today. On an information board there were a group of people who each had their gender listed - not that I couldn't tell their gender. Except there was a male who was referred to as they or them. This is beyond confusing and causes a whole load of complications such as competing in sports, use of toilets, etc.

Is this something I am going to have to get used to? I could refer to someone with obvious male or female traits but they would not identify as such and potentially get offended. If someone wants to find someone who identifies as neither male or female and I see 'them'. I will say something along the lines as, "it is them over there" implying it is more than one person. My mind is all over the place right now.

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Reply 1

1582

Volunteer Team

They are uncomfortable with gendered pronouns.

It is becoming more accepted for someone to go by they/them so yes, it's something you'll need to get used to if you don't want to look like the bad guy.

Reply 2

THALCEDONY

Original post by astroblue

I'm afraid you will. Yes, I know it's stupid and shouldn't even have to exist in the first place but I'm afraid that's the way things are.

Reply 3

anosmianAcrimony

Is it really that hard? :confused:

Reply 4

Obolinda

Volunteer Team

New account, check
First post, check
Odd post, check
...

Reply 5

_gcx

Study Forum Helper

It's just common courtesy to refer to people like they wish to be referred.

Equally, they should realise that not everyone will be familiar of their pronouns, and if someone doesn't correct you nicely they're just a **** tbh.

"they" is kind of depersonifying to me so I would never want people to use it to me, but I see why some people prefer it.

Reply 6

astroblue

Original post by THALCEDONY

I'm afraid you will. Yes, I know it's stupid and shouldn't even have to exist in the first place but I'm afraid that's the way things are.

I cannot even comprehend. I mean what!!! Someone could clearly be Caucasian and identify as Oriental, someone else could have a Brummie accent and identify as an Aussie.

Reply 7

astroblue

Original post by THALCEDONY

I'm afraid you will. Yes, I know it's stupid and shouldn't even have to exist in the first place but I'm afraid that's the way things are.

I cannot even comprehend. I mean what!!! Someone could clearly be Caucasian and identify as Oriental, someone else could have a Brummie accent and identify as an Aussie.

Original post by Obolinda

New account, check
First post, check
Odd post, check
...

I made this account a few weeks ago. I don't understand why you would comment that this is an odd post when I am commenting on something I literally am baffled about after my visit to uni today. Male and female and 'they'.

Reply 8

indigomisty23

I think it does not really matter at the end of the day, if someone wants to be called they and they feel more comfortable that way, whats the harm in calling them what they want to be referred to as. One of my mottos or i guess something I try to go by is people can choose to be who they want to be and if they are not harming anyone even if you don't understand it then I think its best to just let them be who they want to be. As to me its a waste you of time being bothered by people just wanting to be themselves however much you think its weird you may as well just go with it for everyones sake, like that song how deep is your love with this lyric "Cause we're living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be".

Reply 9

astroblue

Original post by anosmianAcrimony

Is it really that hard? :confused:

I wouldn't describe it on a scale of difficulty. I am just stunned as there are two genders. It is key stage 1 biology. I have honestly never in my life knowlingly met someone who doesn't identify by their gender. I cannot even get into this as it is irrational. It is denying what the 'educational system' taught me. Yet I can somehow offend someone by questioning this.

Reply 10

astroblue

Original post by indigomisty23

I have no right to judge anyone. I am questioning it by using logic and looking for others viewpoints on this subject. I have never ever met anyone that asked me to refer to themselves as neither male or female.

Reply 11

indigomisty23

Original post by astroblue

True and I have met people who don't refer to themselves as male or female and want to be called they. I think they just don't feel like any gender, so I think it can be hard to understand if you are not them since you seem like someone who feels comfortable in their gender. I think if you want to learn more maybe look at youtube as there are people on their who don't refer to themselves as a gender and I feel like they are better at explaining it. Also I think people see gender differently.

Reply 12

Alesha1991

Because some people are just more comfortable using non gendered pronouns. I don't see any need for controversy surrounding it, they're hardly imposing any great difficulty on you by expecting you to use certain pronouns. Even if you don't get the whole concept of people being non binary or gender non conforming surely it's still the right thing to do out of basic politeness.

Reply 13

anosmianAcrimony

Original post by astroblue

I have. They were a coworker of mine. They never specifically asked me to use those pronouns but it just became apparent from the way other people spoke; I never did find out what exactly their gender ''status'' was, for whatever that would have been worth. They looked and dressed more or less androgynously and seemed to be of no particular gender. They were friendly and hardworking and basically a productive member of the organisation and of society. I never messed up and call them something they didn't want to be called - it was second nature by the end of the first day we knew each other - but if I had I doubt they would have made a big deal about it.

Reply 14

cjcheckers

just don't call him/he " they," use their proper pronouns, if they are boy ( which would be kinda obvious by looking at them, unless they are one of those girly boys, or manly women). These extra pronouns are just confusing and, quite frankly, unnecessary, if they say that gender pronouns make them feel uncomfortable, either call that person by their name.

Reply 15

astroblue

Original post by cjcheckers

Fantastically simple. I will just refer to them by their names as I would not want to cause them grief

Reply 16

Welshvisitor

Original post by astroblue

I cannot even comprehend. I mean what!!! Someone could clearly be Caucasian and identify as Oriental, someone else could have a Brummie accent and identify as an Aussie.

The post is about gender though ... you make a false equivalence.

Reply 17

Welshvisitor

I can only reply with what I know from friends who identify as non-binary. On the matter of offence, as long as you try to follow their pronoun that’s ok, if you make a mistake they are used to that. I usually drop pronouns quite a lot and use the person’s name instead until I know the pronoun the person goes by. My friend told that to think of what it would be like if for twenty years people used ‘she’ because you’re presumed female by most people. And then think how wonderful it would be if someone used male pronouns instead (I’m male cis) wouldn’t it make you feel validated? The same goes for them/they. I don’t have a scooby doo what it’s like to be non-binary and they don’t have a clue what it’s like to be cis but they manage to use the correct pronoun out of courtesy and respect and I do the same.

(edited 4 years ago)

Reply 18

idontkn

I don’t know if you heard and has nothing to do with the thread but Sam Smith also identifies himself as them/they

Reply 19

Joleee

you will get used to it if you ever work in business or something business related. we use gender neutral language (they/them) in client letters at the law firm i work at; it's not confusing. if it were confusing, we wouldn't do it.

what was this information board about? i mean for what reason would someone have to list their gender?