I'm a 44-year-old white man married with 4 kids. My daughter is my youngest and she turned 14 two weeks ago (on December 23).
My mother-in-law passed away a few days ago and we were at the funeral today. When everyone was greiving, I noticed my daughter playing Modern Combat on her phone. My wife saw her playing and told her to put the phone away but she just said "whatever" and continued to play.
A few minutes later, she noticed my daughter was still playing on her phone. In front of everybody, she pulled my daughter's phone out of her hands and smashed it. My daughter started screaming. I don't remember everything she said, but it included: "You ****ing *****! What the **** are you doing?! I ****ing hate you, go **** yourself!" My daughter then kicked my wife in the leg and my wife lost it and slapped her across the face as hard as she could. I was shocked. 22 years ago, when my wife was pregnant with our eldest son, we made a promise to never use violence against our kids. My father used to beat me for not listening to him or saying something he didn't like. Today I can barely stand the sight of him. Everytime I saw him or heard his voice, those nightmares came back and it took days and sometimes even weeks before I could think about something else. That was the reason I moved out at 18. I couldn't bear it anymore.
Anyway, my daughter started crying and I went to hug and console her. My wife told her that she was a disrespectful spoiled brat, that she will never have a phone until she is 18 and that she was grounded. I understand how hard it is to lose a parent but I just can't believe that she hit our daughter. She broke the promise and I don't know how disappointed I am. And I know my daughter was wrong but no matter what she did, I would never have raised a hand against her. As someone who was beaten by his father for 18 years, I know how much damage violence and abuse can do to a child.
My daughter cried for the whole car ride and even after we came home. She went upstairs to her room and I followed her. I tried to comfort her. I told her that she will get a new phone on her 15th birthday (which is in December) and that what her mother did was wrong and that she is sorry. But my daughter said she hates her mother and that she will never forgive her. About half an hour later, I had a talk with my wife and she said: "I'm done with that apathetic heartless disrespectful brat. I can't handle her anymore."
I don't know what to do. They don't even talk to each other and I'm serious. I need help because I don't want them to hate or dislike each other. I want to fix their relationship.