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GCSE English-Lord of the Flies Chap 1

Can anyone help me improve this paragraph ?

William Golding opens the novel by establishing contrast between the innocence and vulnerability of Ralph and the darkness and danger of the island. We first see this with the bird’s “witch-like cry”, which creates a sense of foreboding; the use of this simile immediately makes the reader think of danger and evil, which creates a sense of uneasiness, as the reader realises that Ralph is very vulnerable in this situation. However, the use of the word ‘like’ could imply that these objects are not as sinister as they seem, and it is Ralph projecting his own fears onto the island. This prompts the reader to question whether it is the island that is a dangerous place, or rather is there something wrong with the boy instead. We also see this idea when Ralph “lowered himself down”. Golding most likely means Ralph is lowering himself morally, which could imply he is lowering himself into Hell. Golding is once again prompting the reader to wonder whether there is something wrong with Ralph, as it is not a place that is bad, but rather the people that live there and what their actions are.
Original post by average_human
Can anyone help me improve this paragraph ?

William Golding opens the novel by establishing contrast between the innocence and vulnerability of Ralph and the darkness and danger of the island. We first see this with the bird’s “witch-like cry”, which creates a sense of foreboding; the use of this simile immediately makes the reader think of danger and evil, which creates a sense of uneasiness, as the reader realises that Ralph is very vulnerable in this situation. However, the use of the word ‘like’ could imply that these objects are not as sinister as they seem, and it is Ralph projecting his own fears onto the island. This prompts the reader to question whether it is the island that is a dangerous place, or rather is there something wrong with the boy instead. We also see this idea when Ralph “lowered himself down”. Golding most likely means Ralph is lowering himself morally, which could imply he is lowering himself into Hell. Golding is once again prompting the reader to wonder whether there is something wrong with Ralph, as it is not a place that is bad, but rather the people that live there and what their actions are.

I have never covered Lord of the Flies in English. I am doing my GCSE on other books this year.
The main problem with this paragraph is that you do not relate your points back to your opening statement - the contrast between the island and Ralph's innocence.
I changed up the paragraph a little, relating the points back to your statement.
A few things I noticed were:
1) When writing points, you have to say "This implies" not "This might imply" - (in yours you put "could imply"), because you are arguing for your point, not saying "I might be wrong but..."
2) Do not contradict yourself unless it is a contrast question, it sort of cancels out your point unless done very well, relating back to the author's intentions
3) The last quote/point is very weak. I put it in bold. It's just about climbing down from somewhere, not so much about morals. If you want to keep it in, say it is a symbol of Ralph first setting foot on the island, like, the very start of everything. But it's not a great quote, try to find something else with a language technique and meaning instead. IF YOU KEEP IT IN RELATE IT TO THE CONTRAST (Your main point)
Here's my edit:

William Golding opens the novel by establishing a contrast between the innocence and vulnerability of Ralph and the darkness and danger of the island. We first see this in Golding's description of the bird's noise as a “witch-like cry”. The use of the simile "witch-like" implies that there is something unnerving and unsettling about the island, creating an eerie and offputting atmosphere. By likening the bird to a "witch", Golding also implies that there is some sort of unnatural magic on the island, reinforcing the strange atmosphere. This atmosphere invokes empathy for young Ralph, as there is a sense of foreboding due to the sharp contrast between the dark, eerie island and Ralph's innocence. By using the word "-like", Golding also implies that Ralph might be overreacting to the bird's screech, demonstrating the psychological effect the island is already having on the children. This prompts the reader to think about the contrast of innocent children and the harsh situation they have been put in. We also see this idea when Ralph “lowered himself down”. Golding most likely means Ralph is lowering himself morally, which could imply he is lowering himself into Hell. Golding is once again prompting the reader to wonder whether there is something wrong with Ralph, as it is not a place that is bad, but rather the people that live there and what their actions are.

It had good, in-depth analysis of techniques and meanings but did not relate back to the point of the paragraph.
I am by no means an English expert but I hope this improves your grade.
Good luck!
Thank you! I really struggle with English and unlike my teacher, you've actually explained things 😊
Original post by average_human
Thank you! I really struggle with English and unlike my teacher, you've actually explained things 😊

No problem bro. I used to struggle with not relating to the question or point (It makes you lose so many marks jeez) as well, which is why I wanted to help. Good luck and don't hesitate to ask me again in messages (I'll start following u). :smile:
just wondering, what grade did you get in your GCSE/equivalent?
Original post by average_human
just wondering, what grade did you get in your GCSE/equivalent?

I've not actually done my GCSE's yet (Doing them in june-ish), but I'm predicted 8's in language and literature but my challenge grades are 9's, and my teachers say 9's are easily achievable. Are you doing GCSE's this year?
yes my target for both is a 7, but I don't know if I will achieve it. I don't understand language and no matter how long I spend on it, literature isn't much better
Original post by average_human
yes my target for both is a 7, but I don't know if I will achieve it. I don't understand language and no matter how long I spend on it, literature isn't much better

Okay, I think the main thing you need to do is spend extra time going over marked homework with your teachers on where you went wrong. That was what I did last year and it helped a lot. You should be able to achieve at least 7's in both, your analysis is really good. Message me on here anytime for help with homework or revision or whatever. :smile:
Original post by Jevans2208
I have never covered Lord of the Flies in English. I am doing my GCSE on other books this year.
The main problem with this paragraph is that you do not relate your points back to your opening statement - the contrast between the island and Ralph's innocence.
I changed up the paragraph a little, relating the points back to your statement.
A few things I noticed were:
1) When writing points, you have to say "This implies" not "This might imply" - (in yours you put "could imply"), because you are arguing for your point, not saying "I might be wrong but..."
2) Do not contradict yourself unless it is a contrast question, it sort of cancels out your point unless done very well, relating back to the author's intentions
3) The last quote/point is very weak. I put it in bold. It's just about climbing down from somewhere, not so much about morals. If you want to keep it in, say it is a symbol of Ralph first setting foot on the island, like, the very start of everything. But it's not a great quote, try to find something else with a language technique and meaning instead. IF YOU KEEP IT IN RELATE IT TO THE CONTRAST (Your main point)
Here's my edit:

William Golding opens the novel by establishing a contrast between the innocence and vulnerability of Ralph and the darkness and danger of the island. We first see this in Golding's description of the bird's noise as a “witch-like cry”. The use of the simile "witch-like" implies that there is something unnerving and unsettling about the island, creating an eerie and offputting atmosphere. By likening the bird to a "witch", Golding also implies that there is some sort of unnatural magic on the island, reinforcing the strange atmosphere. This atmosphere invokes empathy for young Ralph, as there is a sense of foreboding due to the sharp contrast between the dark, eerie island and Ralph's innocence. By using the word "-like", Golding also implies that Ralph might be overreacting to the bird's screech, demonstrating the psychological effect the island is already having on the children. This prompts the reader to think about the contrast of innocent children and the harsh situation they have been put in. We also see this idea when Ralph “lowered himself down”. Golding most likely means Ralph is lowering himself morally, which could imply he is lowering himself into Hell. Golding is once again prompting the reader to wonder whether there is something wrong with Ralph, as it is not a place that is bad, but rather the people that live there and what their actions are.

It had good, in-depth analysis of techniques and meanings but did not relate back to the point of the paragraph.
I am by no means an English expert but I hope this improves your grade.
Good luck!

I agree with this^^
I'm studying LOTF but by no means am I an expert either, I actually struggle with English quite a lot. If you are trying to be perceptive which I think you might try to be doing through "this might imply", you usually want to talk about the same quote after you've already analyzed it - something my teachers call layering. In terms of the quotes used they are ok but I think they could be better for the point, you're making on the introduction of the book - Goldings establishes a contrast between Ralphs's vulnerability and the darkness on the island, perhaps to introduce the theme of Good vs evil? Try to add some sort of idea to "why" to your point. This might be some contextual knowledge or themes in the novel. Quotes I would use for that are:

"The fair boy lowered himself" - You already had most of it but the adjective "fair" which could mean democratic can be analysed to quite an extent and contrasted with the verb lowered which suggests Ralph is becoming less moral.

"Scar smashed" - foreshadows the destruction of the island. Then you could say something how the sibilance emulates the hissing of a snake and this reminds his highly Christian audience of the fall of man in Genesis. You're point being that the problem is within man could be used here. It's important to note that the first thing Ralph or the boys have done on the idyllic paradise has caused a massive scar to form.

"witch-like cry" - further shows hidden evil within the island. I would recommend layering this with "vision of red and yellow" as it gives the impression of evil due to the color connotations that remind us of fire. Maybe the noun "cry" makes us think of babies and this further presents him am vulnerable to hidden dangers

Hope this helps :smile:

I hope this helps

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