I’m 19 and a second year at Uni. I think my desperation for a relationship stems from the fact that I’ve never really been able to form a genuine bond with people. Since beginning my life in education, all of my “friends” have either been acquaintances, or toxic, so I’ve never really experienced what it’s like to deeply care about someone and have someone care about me in return. Considering it’s been near 15 years, I doubt this is something that will change and even now I’m in a pretty miserable situation.
I always feel a very petty and intense jealousy when I see girls with their boyfriends. This morning there was a couple by the bus stop and the guy was looking at his girlfriend with such adoration. It sounds painfully corny but I wish that I could love someone like that.
Guys have never really shown an interest in me. I’ve been asked out before, half the time by random guys on the street and another half as pranks, which severely dampened my confidence. I think it’s maybe because of the aura that I give off. I’m not a naturally happy person. I usually have to fake smiles just to seem like I’m not plotting to kill someone. I also think it’s because maybe they can sense that im desperate, but I can’t help it. When I’m around guys, it’s like I just tense and start acting differently. It’s an automatic thing, so even forcing myself to “act natural” would be very... well, forced in itself.
What can I do about this? I know that a relationship isn’t everything. I understand that there are plenty of relationships that do more harm than good. But I’m so lonely right now.