A question for girls of TSR (any insight would be appreciated)

I'm a 24 year old guy I've been told I'm good looking but I'm also painfully shy.

When I go about my business during the day i.e. go to uni, go to the shops, see friends etc I often notice the following:

- A girl will notice me
- She will immediately look away and adjust her clothes, fix her hair, or flick heir hair
- Sometimes take a second look (sometimes not)

Would you consider this an indication that they might be interested in me? Also, would it be appropriate to try and say hello to them even if at that stage we are just strangers to eachother?

I just don't want to bother anyone ya know.

Any advice would be appreciated and thank you in advance

The issue is that this is what you see and sometimes the mind can play tricks on us. Can sometimes make us see things that are not there. So we can not tell you if for sure this is happening and the girls think you are attractive/ get flustered. But if what you are saying is for sure correct, then yeah, seems like they do find you attractive.

This is a way you could go about it: smile at her if you notice her looking. If she smiles back and does not give you a WTF look, then that is your green light. Say something more casual than hello like, "hi, you alright?"

If she just answers normally then looks away nonchalantly, then she is not interested. if she looks at you like you are a crazy, then yeah also means she is not interested

Do not be scared to initiate convo, though. A lot of guys do this already, you will not be doing something out of the ordinary. You have nothing to lose. They might just think you are being a friendly stranger too, especially if you approach them respectfully as opposed to cat calling.

Many times it really does work out, trust me. Just go for it

Thank you for the response. However, how is starting conversation like this different to being weird or creepy? I don't want to come across that way or bother anyone. Also, surely it will be obvious that I have some interest if I start a conversation with one of these girls. It won't freak them out?

The issue is that this is what you see and sometimes the mind can play tricks on us. Can sometimes make us see things that are not there. So we can not tell you if for sure this is happening and the girls think you are attractive/ get flustered. But if what you are saying is for sure correct, then yeah, seems like they do find you attractive.

This is a way you could go about it: smile at her if you notice her looking. If she smiles back and does not give you a WTF look, then that is your green light. Say something more casual than hello like, "hi, you alright?"

If she just answers normally then looks away nonchalantly, then she is not interested. if she looks at you like you are a crazy, then yeah also means she is not interested

Do not be scared to initiate convo, though. A lot of guys do this already, you will not be doing something out of the ordinary. You have nothing to lose. They might just think you are being a friendly stranger too, especially if you approach them respectfully as opposed to cat calling.

Many times it really does work out, trust me. Just go for it

Reading back on what I wrote below, I sound so egotistical. But I am just describing my experiences to you with other guys, so you can get an idea of what they usually do with girls. And sorry in advance for the essay:

There so many nuances to it. It becomes creepy when you force the conversation, follow the girl around even when she looks uninterested, and maybe just popping up out of the blue -- though I have had guys do that with me a few times and I did not mind, even if I was not interested. I am genuinely giving you the least creepy way. To give you an example of what a guy did with me, I was in the middle of a female clothing store, he walked in and told me he "digs my vibe" and kept on forcing a convo. It was fine at first (and ofc this depends on the person), but I got annoyed when I kept on looking away and he kept on trying to continue the convo. So maybe as a general rule, if the girl looks busy, not the best person to approach. I was once on a phone call walking and a guy stopped me, interrupted me mid-way, and kept on persisting. That is also annoying because it is obvious that I am preoccupied and that there is someone on the line with me. These are examples of when it gets bothersome. But otherwise, it is completely fine.

If you were in a situation similar to the ones you have described in your OP, I promise you, trying to make eye contact and smiling is great because it can act as an indicator for you if the girl is OK with you approaching. That removes your fear of her finding you creepy and weird. And even is she isn't interested, it is not a big deal at all, because it is fairly common for a guy to go up to a girl or try.

For the freak them out part, it depends on the girl at the end of the day. But usually, nope. You can make it short and sweet and then ask for her number. If she is not interested, she will make excuses, or say she has a bf. I like it when someone asks me and when I respond with an excuse they understand and go away. Let her go if she does that, do not force anything. What I am trying to say here is, you can give her the free option if she is freaked out. But you are only considering the worst-case scenarios here. Many times approaching a girl does work and many will not freak out if they also find you attractive. But even if it doesn't work, it would be just a small interaction in her day and it will not affect her too much. Nor should you. Seriously not a big deal at all.

Reading back on what I wrote below, I sound so egotistical. But I am just describing my experiences to you with other guys, so you can get an idea of what they usually do with girls. And sorry in advance for the essay:

There so many nuances to it. It becomes creepy when you force the conversation, follow the girl around even when she looks uninterested, and maybe just popping up out of the blue (not smiling or initiating eye contact, following her to a shop) -- though I have had guys do that with me a few times and I did not mind, even if I was not interested. I am genuinely giving you the least creepy way. To give you an example of what a guy did with me, I was in the middle of a female clothing store, he walked in and told me he "digs my vibe" and kept on forcing a convo. It was fine at first (and ofc this depends on the person), but I got annoyed when I kept on looking away and he kept on trying to continue the convo. So maybe as a general rule, if the girl looks busy, not the best person to approach. I was once on a phone call walking and a guy stopped me, interrupted me mid-way, and kept on persisting. That is also annoying because it is obvious that I am preoccupied and that there is someone on the line with me. These are examples of when it gets bothersome. But otherwise, it is completely fine.

If you were in a situation similar to the ones you have described in your OP, I promise you, trying to make eye contact and smiling is great because it can act as an indicator for you if the girl is OK with you approaching. That removes your fear of her finding you creepy and weird. And even is she isn't interested, it is not a big deal at all, because it is fairly common for a guy to go up to a girl or try. She might just feel flattered.

For the freak them out part, it depends on the girl at the end of the day. But usually, nope. You can make it short and sweet and then ask for her number. If she is not interested, she will make excuses, or say she has a bf. I like it when someone asks me and when I respond with an excuse they understand and go away. Let her go if she does that, do not force anything. What I am trying to say here is, you can give her the free option if she is freaked out. But you are only considering the worst-case scenarios here. Many times approaching a girl does work and many will not freak out if they also find you attractive. But even if it doesn't work, it would be just a small interaction in her day and it will not affect her too much. Nor should it affect you. Seriously not a big deal at all.

Well it's good to know that I wouldn't really be bothering anyone, and I would agree with you that this is quite nuanced as is dating in general in my opinion. I'll give it a try and see what happens. Funnily enough, I mainly smile at older women (in a completely platonic way) because I see them as kind and warm and try to avoid eye contact with women I find attractive. Where I live (a small town in Australia) I think the smile thing can be interpreted as simply friendly. However, we'll see how it all goes.

Oh, you are from Australia? Yeah, I can imagine how it may be different in a small town and the possible cultural differences. I do not have much experience with small towns, but I would say then the key would be maybe with lingering eye contact to see if it is OK to approach? Maybe others will disagree with me and just be like, "approach her and start a conversation goddammit" lol, and they may be right. But considering you seem shy, I know it feels better to have some form of a system where you can know if it is appropriate to approach.

But I know it is easier said than done since you are saying you can barely make normal eye contact, let alone lingering. Not to play armchair psychologist, but to me, it seems like the reason for this may be a strong fear of rejection? If this is the case, maybe ease yourself into it and try to think more logically than emotionally. Our minds sometimes paint rejection out to be this big thing, as a survival mechanism, but it really is not. By exposing yourself to this slowly and gradually it will become so easy. I had a phase where I got some bad social anxiety, so I started to slowly force myself to have random conversations with people and baristas and all that. It helped majorly and now I am mostly over it. Not that I am saying you have social anxiety, just telling you that it is not a hopeless case and exposure, as well as considering the worst-case scenario and de-catastrophizing it helps.

I hope that helped. And I wish you the best of luck. You got this

Yes, I'm from Australia, but I've studied in the UK hence my account on this website. I'm not sure if the "just approach her bro" thing is for me, I'd want to be sure that she's interested, and by the same token be sure I'm attracted to her.

Yes, I'm from Australia, but I've studied in the UK hence my account on this website. I'm not sure if the "just approach her bro" thing is for me, I'd want to be sure that she's interested, and by the same token be sure I'm interested in her.

I think you're right in saying I've some fear of rejection, as we all probably do. However, I think my bigger fear is that I'd be going against common etiquette and making others uncomfortable by hitting on strangers. I don't want to be lumped together with the weirdos and creeps but because everyone is so different I feel it's an inevitability some girls might categorise me that way, which freaks me out.

I do get the impression from some girls that they want to be approached by me but I also get a very strong "leave me alone" vibe from girls who are possibly jaded. The variety in potential responses is pretty extreme, so it makes me a little concerned that I might be considered as weird.

Just realised you edited, sorry again for the essay (what is up with me and the egregious verbiage today ):

Hmm, if your senses are correct - sometimes they can be distorted by the illusion of the mind due to anxiety or whatnot - then that is great. I would judge depending on the vibe, as a start. Approach the girls with a more friendly aura. Sometimes our gut instincts can be accurate. The stark differences may not be because of you specifically. They are at times ultimately meaningless. My friend gives off a very “leave me alone” vibe when we are out no matter who is around her-- but it isn’t because she has a strong opinion on the men within her vicinity, but instead because she is used to people hitting on her (in a rude way) and is in a relationship. Also, some girls are just stuck up/ not friendly will give you closed body language. Do not approach the girls that fall within this category to be safe. That way you will really lower your chances that the girls you approach will categorize you in that lump with the weirdos and the creeps.

And look anyway, try to imagine yourself going through the worst-case scenario, which again won't necessarily manifest if you play your cards right. You approach a girl, she gives you a weird look and categorizes you as a weirdo for 5 seconds. So what? She will forget about it in an hour and even how you look like. She will go on about her day, and most of her thinking will be centered around her life/worries/responsibilities, not a guy that smiled at her and tried to make convo. To her you are just a speck of dust. A few days from that she will completely forget. You are not asking her to marry you ahah, you are just smilingand try to make convo. If someone overreacts to that, then they are the weird ones lol. What is also great is that your town seems friendly and open, so I am sure the people there will be more inviting in general to have a convo/ be approached.

Look not to be sappy, but like is about taking risks, right? It would be so dull to just want to stay in the comfort zone, especially when the repercussions of your fear are not even that big at all, and especially when you think about it and detach yourself from the situation. Sometimes you need to let loose, put yourself out there. If she rejects you, laugh and continue on with your life. Remind yourself so many others that are not categorized as creeps most of the time do this. It is attractive when a guy is confident and carefree. I know, so much easier said than done, but really think about it. What do you have to lose?

Thank you for your help so far, it's been really helpful and it's kind of you to offer your time .

So I'm assuming I ask for social media or phone number from one of these girls and then we can hang out and just take it from there and see where it goes?

Also, would it be unethical to do this sort of thing with multiple girls at once do you think? For example, be hanging out with a girl I met going about my day but also be hanging out with a girl I met from online dating etc. I wouldn't mind if they are seeing other guys it's not like I own them or anything lol i.e. if we are ever going to be serious I would want them to be sure that I'm the right one and testing the waters with other men might be a good way to find out.

Also, would it be OK to see these girls if it's just for something casual, physical, or short term as long as I'm sincere along the way? Like it might turn into something more serious but I'm quite afraid of commitment but need to meet people somehow ya know? Surely they will know of the generalisation of men as chasing many girls at once and being commitment-averse?

I've got this interest in seeing several girls at once and then possibly down the line committing to my *favourite* (I know this sounds awful), but I also want to be a good person and not hurt anyone. Again, I'm painfully shy and I'm only recently coming out of my shell, so I'm really not sure about the ethics of any of this or how it might work in general. I'm just trying to balance my desires with being good and honest.

No problem at all (:

Yes, exactly.

Not unethical at all. I think you cross the boundaries of ethicality when it is a monogamous relationship. But before that, it is completely fine, and they might be doing the same, DW. Exactly, You wouldn't mind, and they probably do not either. That is totally reasonable.

Yes, I think so. How are you thinking about expressing sincerity? If you are looking for something casual, then I can see that going more smoothly. But if it is purely physical, maybe getting to know them over coffee may be a bit misleading for some? I wouldn't worry too much at first when you are getting to know them. Just as long as you are honest, especially if it progresses with one of them.


Nope, it does not sound awful at all. Girls do this too. I get that, and it is admirable that you are trying to get out of your shell, it is not always easy. It is very ethical as long as you are honest and do not mislead.

update:

I went to a bookstore today and saw a cashier who I've found staring at me a couple of times (I go there often) and I find her attractive for sure. I went up to the counter and freaked out and decided to approach a male cashier instead. The girl cashier seemed a bit miffed and adjusted her clothes/hair, then when I was discussing the book I was looking for with the male cashier she whispered aloud to herself that she loved that author.

I was going to make conversation with her but felt it would be too awkward and that I was reading too much into it, so I went home.