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I cheated without knowing

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*For context, I'm talking about a scenario that happened this time last year and away from risks with covid.*

Last year I was at a house party and my boyfriend took me to bed as I was getting tired. He said he'd stay with me a while.

I was woken up by kissing on the back of my neck (like how my boyfriend does) and thought it was quite hot we were at a party about about to have sex (totally outside my comfort zone). I remember him whispering, asking if I was ok to have sex/I was able to consent and I said yes. We had sex not facing each other for the first time.

Turns out, it wasn't my boyfriend and rather someone at the party who just happened to have a similar build to him. I was mortified and so upset, but I kept it to myself all this time. I'm still with my boyfriend, and we were long-term even before this event. I love him and would never want to hurt him. I have two girlfriends who told me not to say anything because it would cause unnecessary pain as I didn't seek to cheat.

I'm convinced he's the person I will get married to (I'm not some dewey-eyed school girl, we're talking late twenties).

Would you want to be told? / Would you say something?

When you discovered that is not him, did you keep having sex with that guy at that moment? Or you didn’t continue ??!

Reply 21

Anonymous #3

Original post by Anonymous

When you discovered that is not him, did you keep having sex with that guy at that moment? Or you didn’t continue ??!

Really?? That's the question you ask? Are you going to ask next if she was wearing a short skirt? Get a life.

Reply 22

Anonymous #5

Original post by Anonymous

Really?? That's the question you ask? Are you going to ask next if she was wearing a short skirt? Get a life.

Because if she was enjoying that while she knew that isn’t her boyfriend, then I guess she needs to tell him the truth !
But if she stopped that guy and didn’t continue then it’s not cheating
So it depends about her feelings at that moment

Reply 23

Chopinnocturne31

Original post by Anonymous

I think its pretty clear she stopped when she realised it wasn’t her boyfriend

Reply 24

Anonymous #3

Original post by Anonymous

https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/rape-and-sexual-offences-chapter-3-consent

Sexual Offences Act 1956
The Sexual offences Act 1956 contains no statutory definition of 'consent'. Juries must be told that the word should be given its ordinary meaning, and that there is a difference between 'consent' and 'submission'.

Lack of consent may be demonstrated by:

The complainant's assertion of force or threats;
Evidence that by reason of drink, drugs, sleep, age or mental disability the complainant was unaware of what was occurring and/ or incapable of giving valid consent; or
Evidence that the complainant was deceived as to the identity of the person with whom (s)he had intercourse.
A boy or girl under the age of 16 cannot consent in law, (Archbold 2004, 20-152).

Consent should be carefully considered when deciding not only what offence to charge but also whether it is in the public interest to prosecute. Sometimes consent is given, or appears to be given, but the law does not treat it as effective consent.

The law does not allow a person's consent to sexual activity to have effect in the following situations:

where the person giving consent did not understand what was happening and so could not give informed consent, for example in the case of a child or someone suffering from a severe mental disability;
where the person giving consent was under the relevant age of consent.
These two situations are different. In the first, the apparent consent is not treated as real consent because the person consenting did not understand enough to give real consent. This is a question of fact. In the second, consent is real as a matter of fact but the law does not allow it to count.

Where the victim has consented in fact but not in law alternative offences may be appropriate. Examples include incest or unlawful sexual intercourse (in the case of a female victim) or, where consensual intercourse with a male under the age of consent, the offence of buggery.

Sexual Offences Act 2003
The Act sets out the offences requiring the prosecution to prove absence of consent at sections 1-4. They are:

rape;
assault by penetration;
sexual assault; and
causing a person to engage in sexual activity.
In relation to these offences a person (A) is guilty of an offence if she/he:

acts intentionally,
(B) does not consent to the act, and
(A) does not reasonably believe that (B) consents.

Statutory definition of consent
Section 74 defines consent as 'if he agrees by choice, and has the freedom and capacity to make that choice'. Prosecutors should consider this in two stages. They are:

Whether a complainant had the capacity (i.e. the age and understanding) to make a choice about whether or not to take part in the sexual activity at the time in question.
Whether he or she was in a position to make that choice freely, and was not constrained in any way. Assuming that the complainant had both the freedom and capacity to consent, the crucial question is whether the complainant agrees to the activity by choice.
The question of capacity to consent is particularly relevant when a complainant is intoxicated by alcohol or affected by drugs.

In R v Bree [2007] EWCA 256, the Court of Appeal explored the issue of capacity and consent, stating that, if, through drink, or for any other reason, a complainant had temporarily lost her capacity to choose whether to have sexual intercourse, she was not consenting, and subject to the defendant's state of mind, if intercourse took place, that would be rape. However, where a complainant had voluntarily consumed substantial quantities of alcohol, but nevertheless remained capable of choosing whether to have intercourse, and agreed to do so, that would not be rape. Further, they identified that capacity to consent may evaporate well before a complainant becomes unconscious. Whether this is so or not, however, depends on the facts of the case.

In cases similar to Bree, prosecutors should carefully consider whether the complainant has the capacity to consent, and ensure that the instructed advocate presents the Crown's case on this basis and, if necessary, reminds the trial judge of the need to assist the jury with the meaning of capacity.

Prosecutors and investigators should consider whether supporting evidence is available to demonstrate that the complainant was so intoxicated that he/she had lost their capacity to consent. For example, evidence from friends, taxi drivers and forensic physicians describing the complainant's intoxicated state may support the prosecution case. In addition, it may be possible to obtain expert evidence in respect of the effects of alcohol/drugs and the effects if they are taken together. Consideration should be given to obtaining an expert's back calculation or the opinion of an expert in human pharmacology in relation to the complainant's level of alcohol/ drugs at the time of the incident.

Consider yourself educated. You're welcome.

Reply 25

Anonymous #5

Original post by Chopinnocturne31

I think its pretty clear she stopped when she realised it wasn’t her boyfriend

Then just forget it because it wasn’t her mistake. She doesn’t need to tell him or even to think about it.

Reply 26

Anonymous #1

Thank you for your responses. I hadn’t considered it in the way some of you have highlighted. I couldn’t sleep and ended up telling him in the night. He straight away used the word some of you are using and is here for me. I’m feeling a bit in shock but wanted to say thank you for your help. I’m not going to engage in this thread now while I get my head around it but know I have that support in place. Thank you.

Reply 27

Anonymous #3

Original post by Anonymous

You made me cry. Sending you an enormous and corona-appropriate virtual hug. That's not an easy thing to discover you were a victim of. Take time to process and seek counselling if you need to. Your boyfriend sounds wonderful. You did the right thing to tell him.
When your head's in the right place, maybe you could show him this thread. And if you want to take this further - and it is entirely your call - have a read of the legal stuff I posted earlier. I know a little bit about it for various reasons I won't post here. You can DM me if you want to talk further (I think you can - I'm fairly new here and still don't know how DMs work).
Good luck with everything and don't let this taint your life x

Reply 28

username5404466

Original post by Anonymous

Also you shouldn't have drunk so much

How dare you.

It's ok to assault someone because they've had alcohol then, is that your view? A woman is a slut because she has sex with her boyfriend (like she believed) in a public setting? What's wrong with you? You've been reported.

Think about how your words will effect other people. OP and more. If it's negatively then you shouldn't comment at all. Disgusting.

Reply 29

Anonymous #7

Original post by Anonymous

I'm sorry to break it to you hon but this isn't cheating, it's rape. Having sex with someone without their proper consent is sexual assault and as this monster got into bed with you when you were sleeping and started physically assaulting you, and you didn't know he wasn't your boyfriend, that is categorically an assault.

Hard to know how this is rape. The guy sought consent and poster says she clearly remembers giving it. The mistaken identitiy is her fault because she failed to check properly.

Reply 30

Chopinnocturne31

Original post by Anonymous

Hard to know how this is rape. The guy sought consent and poster says she clearly remembers giving it. The mistaken identitiy is her fault because she failed to check properly.

You’re going to have to take another look at the law. You’re wrong. And he didn’t have consent to get into bed with her, nor did he have consent to kiss her while she was asleep

Reply 31

username5326522

He touched you without your consent, that's sexual assault. Report him

Reply 32

owlknightdragon

Original post by Moonlight rain

He touched you without your consent, that's sexual assault. Report him

she just said "i remember giving consent"

Reply 33

username5326522

Original post by owlknightdragon

she just said "i remember giving consent"

Yeah, that was for the sex... But right at the beginning, he was kissing her and that was before she consented

Reply 34

owlknightdragon

Original post by Moonlight rain

Yeah, that was for the sex... But right at the beginning, he was kissing her and that was before she consented

i dont think that classifies as "sexual assault"

Reply 35

Chopinnocturne31

Original post by owlknightdragon

i dont think that classifies as "sexual assault"

It does. She was asleep and this random guy came into her bed and started kissing her neck. Anyway being deceived about who they were having the sex with is also sexual assault

Although I don’t think we should be arguing about this anymore. OP needs time to process this, so this thread should probably be closed and we should not be discussing this any further imo

(edited 3 years ago)

Reply 36

username5326522

Original post by owlknightdragon

i dont think that classifies as "sexual assault"

What Chop said.

Reply 37

owlknightdragon

Original post by Moonlight rain

What Chop said.

what?

Reply 38

Serene Dreams

Literally what kind of person sees a sleeping stranger and decides to assault them????? I can't believe I am reading this.

Reply 39

Hoodlum123

Original post by Anonymous

Hard to know how this is rape. The guy sought consent and poster says she clearly remembers giving it. The mistaken identitiy is her fault because she failed to check properly.